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Should DDs boyfriend be allowed to stay in the holiday home

62 replies

CamiLous · 08/04/2024 20:46

When DHs parents passed away a few years ago he and his brother decided to go 50/50 on a holiday home near Nice. It's near a village, quiet, close enough to Nice for day trips. It has 6 bedrooms. So DH and I have one, his brother and his wife, then the 4 kids (our 2 and our two nephews). It's not fancy but we love it, a great use of his parents money as his mother was French and hated how disconnected her sons had become!
DD (24) makes more use than anyone else. She WFH Monday and Friday, likes to ski etc. So while in summer it's in almost constant use, DD uses it as a base to go skiing in the winter (flies out Thursday after work, works Friday, dinner out, skis Saturday, home Sunday or Monday). She's been with her boyfriend for almost a year and he's been going with her most of the winter. The deal we have is DH and his brother cover upkeep and bills but when you leave you have to book the cleaner (local) and pay for that, so it's clean for the next people. DD always does it.
Over the last couple of weeks we have all made our first trips of the year, DH and I will go 3 or 4 more times, his brother similar. The kids just go when they want. We do let friends use it but no one planned until a week in July. It's in perfect condition so no concerns. It's rural we keep a small car (DD uses it for skiing) and a scooter in the garage.

DDs boyfriend is due to sit an important exam for work in May, he has 3 weeks study leave, lives in a house share. DD has offered him her flat on the days she works from the office but it is in a busy part of London so not ideal. DD asked if we would let her boyfriend fly out and spend the 3 weeks there, she'd go out Thursday night - Sunday/Monday each week, but no one has any plans to go and even if they did there would be plenty of space. She thinks being somewhere isolated would be better for his studying. He has ADHD easily distracted etc.

DHs brother is fine with this, he said he may be out with his wife for a week of it but will be quiet and considerate etc.
DH however is unsure, he thinks it's a really bad idea. We'd need to get some things in order like insurance. But he knows the house well, knows the area better now and I'm keen to help.
DH thinks we don't know him well enough and what If he trashes it.
Frankly we don't his brothers friends but he doesn't object to them staying so it seems odd!

AIBU thinking we should let him go out and study, this may be the man DD marries and showing him some kindness may work in our favour!

OP posts:
WarningOfGails · 08/04/2024 21:34

I agree with saltinecrackers, DH’s brother is part owner & therefore can (with DH agreement) have his friends there. It’s not the same as DD having her friend there as she isn’t part owner.

saltinecrackers · 08/04/2024 21:31

OP if I understand correctly his brother owns half the house - what gives you the right to object to his friends? Saying you won't allow them is saying you don't trust his judgement, to allow his friends, into his house.

Your daughter doesn't own the house so her judgement isn't relevant here.

Personally I wouldn't allow it no matter how nice the boyfriend is. It's too long for him to be there on his own, they've only been dating a year, and it sets an uncomfortable precedent. What if your kids friends/partners etc all start asking to use it on their own?

Anyway I don't think this is a hill to die on, if your DH is against it. After all, it's just a 'nice thing' to do. Unlike, say allowing BF to be there with your daughter.

BTW the BF is lucky to be in London which has so many beautiful, quiet free study spots. I have ADHD too, went to uni and did professional exams it was so nice studying in old libraries.

This really isn't necessary in the slightest.

CamiLous · 08/04/2024 21:31

Restinggoddess · 08/04/2024 21:30

Is there such a thing as squatters rights in France?

Just asking - sometimes we ignore gut feelings at our peril.

Can you explain the relevance?

OP posts:
Restinggoddess · 08/04/2024 21:30

Is there such a thing as squatters rights in France?

Just asking - sometimes we ignore gut feelings at our peril.

CamiLous · 08/04/2024 21:30

LaPalmaLlama · 08/04/2024 21:29

Fair enough but balance that against setting a precedent you may not want to- although your previous post mentions fmyour BIL’s friends so maybe that’s not an issue.

We allow close friends to stay already.

OP posts:
LaPalmaLlama · 08/04/2024 21:29

Fair enough but balance that against setting a precedent you may not want to- although your previous post mentions fmyour BIL’s friends so maybe that’s not an issue.

CamiLous · 08/04/2024 21:24

LaPalmaLlama · 08/04/2024 21:22

In principle it’s fine but I’d worry about setting a precedent- suddenly DH’s brothers kids friends want to use it sole use same thing right? If the current deal is that it’s immediate family plus guests only then it is a departure and one you need to all be comfortable with.

Also the study thing is slightly bollocks. People living in central London have revised for law and accountancy and CFA exams forever. I’m living proof.

Oh no I don't doubt you can study for CFA in London. It's a matter of wanting to create the best conditions possible for him (if we can why not?) he's nervous, struggles to focus at home (3 house mates with various shifts and constant noise). Sure he can use libraries or DDs flats but we can also do one better - so why not?!

OP posts:
LaPalmaLlama · 08/04/2024 21:22

In principle it’s fine but I’d worry about setting a precedent- suddenly DH’s brothers kids friends want to use it sole use same thing right? If the current deal is that it’s immediate family plus guests only then it is a departure and one you need to all be comfortable with.

Also the study thing is slightly bollocks. People living in central London have revised for law and accountancy and CFA exams forever. I’m living proof.

CamiLous · 08/04/2024 21:22

@Crowgirl

But we allow his brothers friends to stay and don't know half of them from Adam!

At least we've met DDs boyfriend (lovely, well mannered, funny) and DD is just as trustworthy as his brother in vouching for someone's trust worthiness no?

OP posts:
Crowgirl · 08/04/2024 21:20

BreakfastAtMimis · 08/04/2024 21:02

Nah. He can study in a library at home.
If you set a precedent with this, you could have years of all the other kids' partners wanting a free holiday as and when.

This!

I don't get Mumsnet sometimes - or at all perhaps.

I'd be twitchy about lending a holiday home out to someone who wasn't my own good friend. There's a lot can go wrong.

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/04/2024 21:20

You really need to find out why he doesn't trust the boy. Having said that the boy is being offered a flat to use anyway so if your husband doesn't want him in his house then that's fine, it's his house!

However the relationship between him and the boy will probably be damaged.

And when I say boy, anyone under 30 as a boy!

CamiLous · 08/04/2024 21:14

Starseeking · 08/04/2024 21:13

Your DD is 24, not 12, so your DG is behaving very strangely about this. I'd ask him outright what his issue is with this potential arrangement as trashing the place sounds like an excuse (does he find it distasteful that they'll have sex in the place?!? Is he a misogynist who would be happy your DS with a girlfriend going but not DD with a boyfriend?!?)

I'm not sure it's the sex thing, DD and her BF have been out together already to go skiing all winter. I bet he's spent more nights there when added than DS or the nephews!

OP posts:
hjrl · 08/04/2024 21:13

Absolutely yes. Wouldn't even enter my mind as a question within my own nuclear family, DB is happy so that would be it.

Strange response from DH when boyfriend is someone who goes all the time anyway

Starseeking · 08/04/2024 21:13

*your DH, not DG!

Starseeking · 08/04/2024 21:13

Your DD is 24, not 12, so your DG is behaving very strangely about this. I'd ask him outright what his issue is with this potential arrangement as trashing the place sounds like an excuse (does he find it distasteful that they'll have sex in the place?!? Is he a misogynist who would be happy your DS with a girlfriend going but not DD with a boyfriend?!?)

CamiLous · 08/04/2024 21:06

BreakfastAtMimis · 08/04/2024 21:02

Nah. He can study in a library at home.
If you set a precedent with this, you could have years of all the other kids' partners wanting a free holiday as and when.

I'd assume normally they'd want to holiday with their partner ... in which case that is already allowed!

OP posts:
trippily · 08/04/2024 21:05

Your husband will alienate your daughter if he carries on this way

Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2024 21:03

CamiLous · 08/04/2024 20:57

I don't think he likes him very much but I can't think why!

So ask him.

BreakfastAtMimis · 08/04/2024 21:02

Nah. He can study in a library at home.
If you set a precedent with this, you could have years of all the other kids' partners wanting a free holiday as and when.

Riverlee · 08/04/2024 21:00

They’ve been dating nearly a year, so
i I would.

Bumblebeeinatree · 08/04/2024 21:00

How long has the bf been the bf? Is he reliable? It sounds OK but a big 'gift' if he's not well known to you and not a long term bf. Very nice to offer. I think I could study better in a garret than a holiday home near Nice.

MiltonNorthern · 08/04/2024 20:59

It's a no brainer to me. Why does he think he would trash the place?

justasmalltownmum · 08/04/2024 20:58

I think your dh is using the trash excuse as an excuse as he just doesn't want him to stay there.

CamiLous · 08/04/2024 20:57

CurlewKate · 08/04/2024 20:55

Why does he think his DD's long term boyfriend will "trash" the place? How very strange.

I don't think he likes him very much but I can't think why!

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 08/04/2024 20:57

If I was your dd I would be soooo upset about this.

Insurance? A couple of clicks, surely?