Should DDs boyfriend be allowed to stay in the holiday home

Well maybe it isn't a precedent then. If the rest are all boys likely they won't be particularly interested in the house as will follow where their girlfriends / wives go longer term. I know I would have always steered holidays with my family rather than dhs as it felt more familiar and he was always happy to oblige.

I must say I am assuming that dd is the oldest of the 'children' and first to come across any such scenario.

Personally I would morally struggle to say yes to someone who needs somewhere quiet to study (when it's really a preference as previous posters have suggested) and at a later date say no to someone else who really needs a place to stay for a fixed period for whatever reason including family breakdown.

Obviously if they let the DD's boyfriend stay alone, it will be difficult to say no to any of her other friends. Or any of their other children's friends/boyfriends. It's hardly a stretching of logical thinking.

Firstly there's no evidence that any of these "other friends/boyfriends" have shown any interest in going to their friend's parents' holiday home by themselves. Secondly it's not difficult to say no, because "DD's boyfriend needs a quiet place to be alone to study" is a fairly unique scenario that I imagine won't be replicated. Thirdly they let their own friends use it so if DD's friends are trustworthy, it's not exactly a disaster scenario if they also request to use it.

And as I said upthread, a small mistake can easily lead to costly damages.

When you put it like that why do we ever let friends into any of our houses.

What details do you need regarding precedent? Obviously if they let the DD's boyfriend stay alone, it will be difficult to say no to any of her other friends. Or any of their other children's friends/significant others. It's hardly a stretching of logical thinking.

I agree that 'trashing' is dramatic (and squatters!). It implies that he's going to be having wild parties, or I don't know, orgies, which is impossible when he doesn't even know anybody else there.

However, it doesn't mean that he'll take good care of the place. And as I said upthread, a small mistake can easily lead to costly damages.

Good manners and charm in public has no bearing on how meticulous someone is in their everyday life when left to their own devices.

Also, OP believes that DH is trying to 'push him out' based on a 10 minute conversation, which I find quite dramatic

Not nearly as dramatic as her husband thinking he'll trash the place or the fear of "precedent" (based on no details at all) all over this thread or the poster who asked about squatters rights.

IMO the DH concerns in general and his attitude towards the BF are related, but separate issues. The OP is trying to compensate for the latter by 'showing him kindness'.
Also, OP believes that DH is trying to 'push him out' based on a 10 minute conversation, which I find quite dramatic. He's allowed to dislike his daughter's boyfriend for 'shallow' reasons as long as he keeps his mouth shut. We don't know what exactly was said. Maybe OP is right. Maybe not.

IMO OP's making such a monumental fuss over a 20 something's boyfriend of a year that she doesn't live with. Of course she could marry him (I married mid-twenties myself) but it's hardly guaranteed. It also doesn't give him a more 'trustworthy' status as opposed to, say one of the DC friends, which @mrsplum2015 alluded to.

I'd have more support for OP if they were long-term partners, living together. That would be churlish to deny. But not this.

Also @viques good point. I'm also polite and charming but that doesn't mean I can keep a place in great condition. Quite the opposite actually. Easy to mask among other people, or on a family holiday but I doubt I could keep it up for 3 weeks.

If the boyfriend has any self-awareness he'd probably decline the offer and study in a library anyway!

Your DH’s objection seems to be quite prejudiced in some way and it might be worth getting to the bottom of that for DD’s sake if this boyfriend is serious enough you think they may get married one day.

I do think there are a couple of things that may make this different from your BiL’s friends -

1. Your DD is much, much younger than your BiL with much less life experience and also, at 24, still on the young side with many of her friends probably also on just the young side. We know brain development is still skewed toward impetuousness until 25+. So, no, her approval of a friend to stay may not be quite the same as BiL’s approval. Though, obviously, I don’t know your DD at all, this is just going on her age.
2. Three weeks is a long time. You don’t have anyone going out at the moment, but it puts a dampener on anyone’s last minute desire to go and not for just one weekend or anything. It wouldn’t be unreasonable not to want that sort of precedent to be set by a friend of the family.

I don’t think either of those two points mean you or DH or BiL should necessarily be against the BF going, I don’t think they’d put me off in the circumstances. I’m just pointing out that they aren’t unreasonable concerns. Your DH, though, appears to have unspecified concerns and that seems like a recipe for hurting his relationship with his DD.

It seems an unnecessary responsibility to put on someone who already has ADHD, because looking after someone else’s property is stressful, remembering to keep it secure, making sure you keep it reasonably clean, not breaking or damaging stuff etc. I also think if you are studying you have enough to think about without without the additional stress of carting all your revision materials to another place. He would be better off using your dds flat which will be familiar territory, with access to libraries etc if he needs them.

French squatter's right?

Les gens qui se squat?

Quelle horreur

I wouldn't.

It sounds a bit unnecessary and I probably wouldn't be keen either.

Why are his own parents not helping him?

I am probably with your dh that I wouldn't be keen for all sorts of reasons and setting precedents would be one of them. Your ds or nephew could then say that he wants a friend who is homeless to stay for a month and it becomes unfair to say no to that situation.

Friends of the owner is one thing but friends of owners children another. Especially in the teenage and early adult years where they can be unpredictable.

He's going out there to study for 3 weeks, why on earth would your DH think he could 'trash the place'? Your DD will be going out on weekends so it seems unlikely that he'd be doing any damage and presumably they'd pay for and arrange the cleaner when they leave? I think your DH is being unreasonable - does he not like the boyfriend?

Is your DH willing to tell your DD himself that he doesn't want her BF using the house? Is he jealous of their relationship? It seems he's willing to risk alienating her for no good reason.

I was thinking this too. Years ago we let DD's bf borrow our caravan for a week with his brother. He left it clean and tidy. He's our SiL now.

@CamiLous

well he doesn't have to, he can agree with you!

Do you usually let him decide things & just go along with it?

@BreakfastAtMimis

so what?

it's a family holiday home, if no one's using it, it's daft to have it empty gathering dust. The 'kids' & their partners should be enjoying it.

as long as they leave it tidy & sort the cleaner out!

So many mean spirited people on Mumsnet. Awful.

Also @CamiLous as a person with ADHD myself, going 'feral' wouldn't be my main worry. It would be doing something completely stupid. Like leaving a tap running that floods the place, or key in the lock/door unlocked leading to it just swinging open.
All of which I have done! Especially when I was hyper focused, studying (as he no doubt will be). I am in a dreamworld. I'm lucky to have escaped unscathed or had people to clean up after me but you really don't know how careful he will be alone! It doesn't take very long for a small thing to turn into a disaster.

Maybe that's why I don't trust others, I don't trust myself either lol I have lost countless keys, purses, wallets etc and done even more stupid things.

My DH's parents were well off.

Had they seen my family situation with their own eyes they'd have had me penned as the 'could do better'. I was working in a chippy and DH had just joined the police.

As it turns out they welcomed me with open arms and never once judged me. 25 years later and I out-earn DH.

From what you have said, there is no reason for the BF to not stay. And if his disdain for the BF is showing, your DD will see it clearly.

I think you're taking the 'approval' process too literally. This isn't some government document that needs sign-off from an approved senior person, either your DH or his brother.
Rather, they each inform the other as a courtesy. No matter what you think of your BILs friends as part-owner he'd also be stung if he invites someone who trashes the places or whatever, so it makes sense for you to trust his judgement.

In this case, BIL hasn't 'approved DD's boyfriend'. He just says it's OK to stay, as he would any other guests of your DH whether he knows them personally or not. Because it's your DH's judgement of the situation he trusts. Not his own! Why would he object unless he knew something negative about the potential guest?

But your DH doesn't want him there so it makes no sense to say that 'BIL approved so it's OK'.

Maybe you're right. DH doesn't like the guy for other reasons. But me personally, I don't trust easily and this isn't a situation I'd allow. No matter how sensible your daughter is, she's still a young woman, they've only been dating a year and don't live together. I wouldn't go solely by her judgement of him.

Again, not a hill I would die on. If you wish to do so, because you think your DH is unfairly judgemental of this young man, fair enough.

What does he want to do? Present a united front saying no?

Id just say I'm fine with it, BIL is fine with it, if you have a problem you need to speak to DD yourself.

Suspect he will back off if he cant hide behind another adult!

It's obviously bollocks and BIL will be there at points as well so he's hardly going to have long to be feral

Oh for goodness sake. This place is insane.

your DH is nuts. The chance of his daughters long term adult boyfriend “ trashing the place” is just about zero.

it would be a nice thing to do to offer him somewhere quiet to study and he is someone your daughter loves presumably. Whether or not she marries him is neither here nor there. She might. She might not.