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Original poster

Ostracised by group of friends - blaming the Childminder

137 replies

springyellowrose · 08/04/2024 19:33

I met my friend ‘Janet’ at the GP surgery when our daughters were babies. Janet’s daughter a few months older.
I was new to the neighbourhood and Janet introduced me to a lot of mums.
I used to be invited to regular outings, coffee mornings, afternoon teas, picnics, birthdays, play dates, nights out without children etc etc

Fast forward Janet goes back to work full time and one of the mums becomes Janet’s (unregistered) childminder.
Nothing changes except I only meet Janet at the weekens / her days off. I still hang out with the group.

Fast forward the other day when some of us go to a trip to the museum by coach organised by the church.
The childminder is there with her own child and Janet’s daughter. All good.

Janet’s daughter is being potty trained. On the way back she needs to go to the toilet but no toilet in the coach. I was sitted on the other side of the corridor, paralel to the childminder. I offered a nappy she refused. All good. All the time she is comforting Janet’s daughter and encouraging her to hold.
The the girl asks for her pacifier. The childminder says no as the pacifier is only for sleeping time.

We get back to the church and the childminder takes the girl to the toilet immediatelly. Happy ending. Phew! No accidents.

Fast forward the following week and Janet is at mine for a playdate. We get talking about the trip to the museum and she comments what a great job the childminder is doing with the potty training. I agree. The Janet says that the childminder is so attuned to her daughter’s need that she even offered and gave the girl a pacifier to add some comfort and take the girl’s mind off the urge to wee.

I must have made a confused face, Janet asked me what was wrong.

I explained I was right there and told my version of the story. Janet said that it was weird as she is not very strict about the pacifier. Then she said she would ask her daughter what happened.

We changed the subject and playdate carried on as normal.

Fast forward a few days, I realised I was removed from the whatsapp group and the childminder and the majority of other mums removed me from their FB and IG.

My friendship with Janet remains the same but I am not ready to ask her or the few mums who didn’t ‘cancek’ me if they know / heard anything… or if Janet comfronted the childminder or heard her daughter’s side of the story (and how reliable can a toddler’s story be)?

Feeling lonely now but I will start working soon so I will have less time to meet anyway, but it is just sad that I’m now out of the group and god knows what is the gossip circulating about me.

OP posts:
Sparklfairy · 09/04/2024 16:10

springyellowrose · 09/04/2024 16:00

It is so funny - the posters that are adamant I displayed a dramatic face on purpose…

Do you never move your eyes / eyebrows when you hear something confusing?

Or are you just used to not show emotions?

Or maybe you are not very apt at reading body language / facial expressions so you think you are immune?

Ah, is it botox maybe?

Don't worry about it OP, I have no poker face either. Every single thought in my brain may as well be emblazoned in red letters on my forehead Grin

I can totally picture myself in the same scenario. I'd have tried to keep schtum but my eyebrows would have automatically shot up when I heard the lie no botox here

Original poster
springyellowrose · 09/04/2024 16:04

PlasticOno · 09/04/2024 15:40

Yes, that would be my response. Obviously, concerns about a small child’s care being inadequate would override all else, including being ostracised by a group, but nothing indicates that the OP was concerned about the childminder’s care of the child.

All that ‘I couldn’t hide my expression’ stuff just sounds like self-justification from someone who couldn’t help interfering on a triviality that has blown up in her face. It’s a cautionary tale on not intervening unnecessarily on a trivial issue because they can’t not ‘have their say’.

Show quote history

I must have made a confused face, Janet asked me what was wrong.

Very different than ‘I couldn’t hide my expression’ - these are your words not mine.

If you think a childcarer liying for a mother is trivial than it is your opinion.
I think it is a huge red flag - and this one especifically - so unnecessary.

OP posts:
Original poster
springyellowrose · 09/04/2024 16:00

It is so funny - the posters that are adamant I displayed a dramatic face on purpose…

Do you never move your eyes / eyebrows when you hear something confusing?

Or are you just used to not show emotions?

Or maybe you are not very apt at reading body language / facial expressions so you think you are immune?

Ah, is it botox maybe?

OP posts:
PlasticOno · 09/04/2024 15:40

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/04/2024 15:31

If I had any concerns about the care provided (which the OP did not) I would have told my friend immediately (which the OP did not).

In terms of some trivial comment about when the child was given a dummy, I would not say anything to undermine my friend's confidence in her childminder, or cause conflict between them to no good end whatsoever.

Show quote history

Yes, that would be my response. Obviously, concerns about a small child’s care being inadequate would override all else, including being ostracised by a group, but nothing indicates that the OP was concerned about the childminder’s care of the child.

All that ‘I couldn’t hide my expression’ stuff just sounds like self-justification from someone who couldn’t help interfering on a triviality that has blown up in her face. It’s a cautionary tale on not intervening unnecessarily on a trivial issue because they can’t not ‘have their say’.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/04/2024 15:31

jannier · 09/04/2024 13:36

What would you have said if the illegal childcarer was a proper childminder and not a friend?

Show quote history

If I had any concerns about the care provided (which the OP did not) I would have told my friend immediately (which the OP did not).

In terms of some trivial comment about when the child was given a dummy, I would not say anything to undermine my friend's confidence in her childminder, or cause conflict between them to no good end whatsoever.

BarbarasRhabarberBar · 09/04/2024 15:19

I think you're getting a hard time here. You haven't involved yourself or gossiped. You've just said something in passing which is completely normal and it's been blown into god knows what! All seems crazy to me but not your actions. I hope your friendship with Janet remains.

ABwithAnItch · 09/04/2024 14:41

SherbetDips · 09/04/2024 07:51

Because she’s done nothing wrong. 😂

Show quote history

So lying and ostracising someone isn’t wrong? The OP did nothing wrong.

jannier · 09/04/2024 13:44

springyellowrose · 09/04/2024 10:29

Ok
So the childminder looks after Janet’s daughter in her own house, not Janet’s house.
Hence I used the word unregistered - I know the difference between a CM and a nanny and yes we are in the UK.

She is very open about it and even takes some other kids ad-hoc and on weekends, although Janet is her fixed client during the week.

Everyone knows and nobody cares and I will not report.

Let's hope the child isn't injured or become ill in her care then.
A child has to the age of 21 to sue for any injury or harm so if she trips and is scared, falls from a swing etc or is admitted to hospital social services can become involved who would deny their child compensation for a life changing injury by lying for the illegal childcarer if something happened?

Whatifthehokeycokey · 09/04/2024 13:39

I'm struggling to see what the other side of the narrative is here. What has the "childminder" said to everyone to make them all block you from social media and delete you from the chat? "Springyellowrose" has been spreading lies about me/ shit stirring?

I would definitely be asking why I'd been kicked out and what people were saying.

jannier · 09/04/2024 13:38

Noyesnoyes · 09/04/2024 02:07

Exactly this and being unregistered it's probably cheap!

Show quote history

Doubt it many illegals around me charge more

jannier · 09/04/2024 13:37

Chocyaddict · 08/04/2024 21:44

I’m more concerned about the use of an unregistered childminder. It is illegal. Please report this to your LA/Ofsted. There is a reason they are not registered! Huge red flag.

Yep, uninsured, no training probably no first aid

jannier · 09/04/2024 13:36

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/04/2024 21:09

It all sounds like a fuss about not much, but I wouldn't have told Janet that her other friend lied to her. It was such a trivial thing, and I can see why she and her other friends thought you were being spiteful and making trouble. Also I can picture the face you were making, and I feel there was an element of "I know something you don't know...ask me! Make me tell you!" and enjoying tattling.

Edited

What would you have said if the illegal childcarer was a proper childminder and not a friend?

hookiewookie29 · 09/04/2024 13:28

Think I'd be more concerned that she was using an illegal, unregistered childminder who will have no insurance and possibly no fist aid training......

Original poster
springyellowrose · 09/04/2024 13:04

Jf20 · 09/04/2024 12:13

I really can’t see why you involved yourself in this. Who cares if she said she offered it or the child asked. The point is the pacifier helped her. All this she lied stuff is so dramatic and unnecessary and the fact apparently you can’t control your face.

i doubt you’re being ostracised as you pointed out what actually happened, it’s the fact you felt the need to. I’d not ostracise you, but id definitely side eye you and feel you were incredibly petty

the girl never had the pacifier at all

OP posts:
MarilynSays · 09/04/2024 12:54

You are an honest person, I would've appreciated you telling me that. However the silly people that have blocked you realised that you are too good for them! Let them go. Rise above it and find new friends xx

TomeTome · 09/04/2024 12:45

PennyPickles60 · 09/04/2024 12:44

Your conversation with Janet sounds like a normal conversation between two mums.

Are you sure you’ve been blocked by the other mums because of this non issue? Just ask Janet if she knows why you’ve been chucked out of the WhatsApp group. She’ll know

Honestly I think this too. It seems such a normal thing to have said.

PennyPickles60 · 09/04/2024 12:44

Your conversation with Janet sounds like a normal conversation between two mums.

Are you sure you’ve been blocked by the other mums because of this non issue? Just ask Janet if she knows why you’ve been chucked out of the WhatsApp group. She’ll know

StarvingMarvin222 · 09/04/2024 12:31

I think you were right to tell Janet the truth.
It makes me wonder why the cm lied.
It makes her to me anyway untrustworthy.

cheesedome · 09/04/2024 12:23

Jf20 · 09/04/2024 12:13

I really can’t see why you involved yourself in this. Who cares if she said she offered it or the child asked. The point is the pacifier helped her. All this she lied stuff is so dramatic and unnecessary and the fact apparently you can’t control your face.

i doubt you’re being ostracised as you pointed out what actually happened, it’s the fact you felt the need to. I’d not ostracise you, but id definitely side eye you and feel you were incredibly petty

How did the pacifier help her if the woman refused to give it to her?

Jf20 · 09/04/2024 12:13

I really can’t see why you involved yourself in this. Who cares if she said she offered it or the child asked. The point is the pacifier helped her. All this she lied stuff is so dramatic and unnecessary and the fact apparently you can’t control your face.

i doubt you’re being ostracised as you pointed out what actually happened, it’s the fact you felt the need to. I’d not ostracise you, but id definitely side eye you and feel you were incredibly petty

SpeedwellBlue · 09/04/2024 12:08

nationallampoons · 09/04/2024 01:30

This is exactly why I've avoided having mum friends. They're so bitchy

Do you avoid friendships with all women, or do you mean women become bitchy and not friendship material if they have kids, so you only have friendships with child free women?

moonlightandstars · 09/04/2024 10:35

I'm very much like you in the sense that I can't always control what my face is saying either!
I expect the childminder may have been jealous of your friendship with Janet to begin with as she also seems close to her, hense offering to childmind (or however that came to be). As for the women deleting you, good riddance to bad rubbish! If you haven't done anything wrong then it's a reflection of them, not you.
As you said, when you go back to work you won't have time to be lonely or meet up as frequently, plus you might even make different friends through work colleagues.

Original poster
springyellowrose · 09/04/2024 10:29

Ok
So the childminder looks after Janet’s daughter in her own house, not Janet’s house.
Hence I used the word unregistered - I know the difference between a CM and a nanny and yes we are in the UK.

She is very open about it and even takes some other kids ad-hoc and on weekends, although Janet is her fixed client during the week.

Everyone knows and nobody cares and I will not report.

OP posts:
Original poster
springyellowrose · 09/04/2024 10:24

bellezarara · 09/04/2024 09:45

The Janet says that the childminder is so attuned to her daughter’s need that she even offered and gave the girl a pacifier to add some comfort and take the girl’s mind off the urge to wee.

Maybe Janet was talking about other times when she has seen the CM give her dd her dummy? Did Janet really bring up the CM giving the girl a dummy on the coach?

I explained I was right there and told my version of the story.

I don’t think there was much a story but your choice of words makes me think you have made it into a bit of a ‘story’ where there was none and insist that all happened as you said it did. Maybe you felt a strong loyalty to Janet because she was your first friend in the group and wanted her to believe you and trust you above the CM?

Glad I’m out of the group but surprised too since never had a problem with any of them before.

I think the CM has felt aggrieved at being called a liar and her friends have felt they need to rally around her.

I also think if you’re glad to be out of the group then there may have been other things that have rankled, either for you or for Janet/the others.

Yes we were talking about the trip to the museum and the specific instance of the potty training skills of the childminder in the coach were there was no toilet nor a way to stop and find a toilet but there was a pacifier that was given to the girl to soothe her and distract her from the urge to wee - also this being the childminder’s idea since she is - Janet’s words - so attuned to her daughter’s needs - when in fact it was the girl who asked for the pacifier but was denied since it was not sleeping time.

Yes I was there having the conversation with Janet, I know what we were talking about.

Also yes, I’m glad I’m out of the group. Although I never had problems with any of them before, it is clear I’m not a fit.

OP posts:
Newsenmum · 09/04/2024 10:14

Poppalina37 · 08/04/2024 21:23

You've had a lucky escape!

Grown ass women removing you off Facebook.... oh please!

Yup