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Original poster

Ostracised by group of friends - blaming the Childminder

137 replies

springyellowrose · 08/04/2024 19:33

I met my friend ‘Janet’ at the GP surgery when our daughters were babies. Janet’s daughter a few months older.
I was new to the neighbourhood and Janet introduced me to a lot of mums.
I used to be invited to regular outings, coffee mornings, afternoon teas, picnics, birthdays, play dates, nights out without children etc etc

Fast forward Janet goes back to work full time and one of the mums becomes Janet’s (unregistered) childminder.
Nothing changes except I only meet Janet at the weekens / her days off. I still hang out with the group.

Fast forward the other day when some of us go to a trip to the museum by coach organised by the church.
The childminder is there with her own child and Janet’s daughter. All good.

Janet’s daughter is being potty trained. On the way back she needs to go to the toilet but no toilet in the coach. I was sitted on the other side of the corridor, paralel to the childminder. I offered a nappy she refused. All good. All the time she is comforting Janet’s daughter and encouraging her to hold.
The the girl asks for her pacifier. The childminder says no as the pacifier is only for sleeping time.

We get back to the church and the childminder takes the girl to the toilet immediatelly. Happy ending. Phew! No accidents.

Fast forward the following week and Janet is at mine for a playdate. We get talking about the trip to the museum and she comments what a great job the childminder is doing with the potty training. I agree. The Janet says that the childminder is so attuned to her daughter’s need that she even offered and gave the girl a pacifier to add some comfort and take the girl’s mind off the urge to wee.

I must have made a confused face, Janet asked me what was wrong.

I explained I was right there and told my version of the story. Janet said that it was weird as she is not very strict about the pacifier. Then she said she would ask her daughter what happened.

We changed the subject and playdate carried on as normal.

Fast forward a few days, I realised I was removed from the whatsapp group and the childminder and the majority of other mums removed me from their FB and IG.

My friendship with Janet remains the same but I am not ready to ask her or the few mums who didn’t ‘cancek’ me if they know / heard anything… or if Janet comfronted the childminder or heard her daughter’s side of the story (and how reliable can a toddler’s story be)?

Feeling lonely now but I will start working soon so I will have less time to meet anyway, but it is just sad that I’m now out of the group and god knows what is the gossip circulating about me.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
GardeningIsNotMe · 11/04/2024 12:42

Whatifthehokeycokey · 11/04/2024 09:38

O my life, are you completely stupid?! Of course you are allowed to leave your children in the care of their grandparents. Mine are at their grandparents at this very moment. And my parents did do a one day child first aid course, actually, because they wanted to.

What you're not allowed to do is employ your parents, paying them to look after your child, unless they register as childminders. Bloody hell.

Edited
Show quote history

No I’m not stupid. I have my GC twice a week. Their other GPs have them once a week and, occasionally, DIL’s friend has them. Only I hold a CRB and First Aid Certificate.
So bloody what if OPs friend leaves her child with her friend. The mother knows her friend doesn’t hold a First Aid Certificate. She’s happy to leave her dc with her friend as are thousands of other parents. If the child needed resuscitation or to be medically examined she will do as everyone else does. Call 999 in an absolute emergency where she will be talked through resuscitation. Or in case of suspected fractures or head injury she would take the child to a&e That’s what A&E is for Accidents and Emergencies!

Anyone is capable of putting a plaster on a cut or bandaging a bleeding wound to stem the blood from a gash until medical assistance is gained.

It’s not your child the friend is leaving with a person who doesn’t hold a First Aid Certificate. Friend is not bothered why are you?

Whatifthehokeycokey · 11/04/2024 09:38

GardeningIsNotMe · 10/04/2024 22:17

All parents take note. Dont ever leave your DC in the hands of their GP’s. The chances are the GPs won’t be up to date with child CPR. I’m sure most GPs won’t be sad to not be the first choice for (free) childcare.

You decide 😉

Show quote history

O my life, are you completely stupid?! Of course you are allowed to leave your children in the care of their grandparents. Mine are at their grandparents at this very moment. And my parents did do a one day child first aid course, actually, because they wanted to.

What you're not allowed to do is employ your parents, paying them to look after your child, unless they register as childminders. Bloody hell.

EerieSilence · 11/04/2024 08:36

I always stayed away from cliques based on motherhood. It's a toxic cesspit and secondary school yard with bullies all and over again.
Your mind will soon be on more important things so don't worry.

Rosestulips · 11/04/2024 08:33

Urghhh you’re better off without this group of petty school girls.

they are bullies, the unregistered childminder got caught out and didn’t like it

Original poster
springyellowrose · 11/04/2024 08:29

Sparrow7 · 11/04/2024 08:17

What makes you so sure that they removed you because of this dummy incident? It seems so trivial? Could there have been some mistake?

It is not trivial when you bust a childcarer lying to a parent (in my opinion).
Perhaps the childminder will feel watched or whatever if I still come to the group activities. As for the others, who knows what they heard about it all, but if the childminder lied to Janet a such stupid lie about Janet’s child, I don’t doubt she could spin bigger lies about me to the other mums. The other mums were friends with the childminder before I came to the group so I understand why they would believe her.

OP posts:
Original poster
springyellowrose · 11/04/2024 08:24

@Sparrow7

because there were no other incidents?
all was fine and normal before and during the trip to the museum and we exchanged photos and messages in the group but I did see anyone after apart from Janet

After my playdate with Janet, I noticed the group whatsapp was quiet - then I realised I had been removed. I realised that some people unfriended me on FB and the same people stopped following me on IG and removed me from their IG following list.

They did not block me in whatsapp though as I can see their photos still, but I didn’t message any of them.

OP posts:
Sparrow7 · 11/04/2024 08:17

What makes you so sure that they removed you because of this dummy incident? It seems so trivial? Could there have been some mistake?

Original poster
springyellowrose · 11/04/2024 08:08

@RandomSunday

I’ve decided to let it go and will not talk to anyone about it

Also I’ve been very busy preparing to start my job - buying new clothes, home office furniture / sorting out my spare room - changing routines, settling my child in childcare (I will use a mix of a small private nursery and grandparents) and both are not exactly in the neighbourhood (but close and convinient enough) so there is no point trying to salvage any connections here.
I still have good relations with mums who didn’t unfriend me and Janet but avoid talking about other people and their kids and since I’m not hanging out with the group anymore that is easy.

If there is more to it, I dont know and frankly dont care.
It could be a massive misunderstanding but I have no energy or inclination to investigate and I’m turned off because of their behaviour anyway so I’m glad I’m out of that group

OP posts:
RandomSunday · 11/04/2024 00:11

Do you have an update after speaking to Janet Op? I can’t see why your conversation with a friend would lead to a fallout out with your friends. There’s more to this story than a a childminder and a dummy.

GardeningIsNotMe · 10/04/2024 23:27

jannier · 10/04/2024 23:19

Are you so blaze about nursery staff, scout/guide groups, swimming teachers, creches in gyms, etc having first aid, insurance and being suitability checked or is it just illegal childcare that don't need to worry?

Show quote history

The parent in this case chose to leave her child in the care of her friend. Why would I have concerns around a parents decision? Furthermore why would you?

Should all GP’s deny their DC’s requests to care for their GC, while they work, because they don’t hold a First Aid Certificate?

Anyway getting back to the thread I can’t see OP’s conversation around the childminder to her friend as anything other than a normal conversation between two friends. Can you?

jannier · 10/04/2024 23:19

GardeningIsNotMe · 10/04/2024 22:17

All parents take note. Dont ever leave your DC in the hands of their GP’s. The chances are the GPs won’t be up to date with child CPR. I’m sure most GPs won’t be sad to not be the first choice for (free) childcare.

You decide 😉

Show quote history

Are you so blaze about nursery staff, scout/guide groups, swimming teachers, creches in gyms, etc having first aid, insurance and being suitability checked or is it just illegal childcare that don't need to worry?

GardeningIsNotMe · 10/04/2024 22:17

Whatifthehokeycokey · 09/04/2024 22:31

The law is quite clear about this (assuming they're in the UK):

You must register as a childminder if all of the following apply:

  • the children are under the age of 8
  • you look after them for more than 2 hours a day
  • you look after them in your own home
  • you get paid to look after them - including payment in kind

You do not need to register if you’re:

  • a nanny
  • a tutor
  • a babysitter and if you look after the children between 6pm and 2am
  • a family friend and if you look after the children less than 3 hours a day
Edited
Show quote history

All parents take note. Dont ever leave your DC in the hands of their GP’s. The chances are the GPs won’t be up to date with child CPR. I’m sure most GPs won’t be sad to not be the first choice for (free) childcare.

You decide 😉

Whatifthehokeycokey · 09/04/2024 22:31

Concannon88 · 09/04/2024 16:11

There's no such thing as an "illegal childminder" shes doing mum a favour by babysitting and people refer to her as a childminder. Nothing untoward

Show quote history

The law is quite clear about this (assuming they're in the UK):

You must register as a childminder if all of the following apply:

  • the children are under the age of 8
  • you look after them for more than 2 hours a day
  • you look after them in your own home
  • you get paid to look after them - including payment in kind

You do not need to register if you’re:

  • a nanny
  • a tutor
  • a babysitter and if you look after the children between 6pm and 2am
  • a family friend and if you look after the children less than 3 hours a day
hottchocolatte · 09/04/2024 21:08

This sounds an extreme and slightly nasty reaction by them. I'm not sure why it was a big deal at all although I suppose the issue is you essentially called her out for lying.

All the PPs asking why you couldn't have just not said anything, I think are harsh as I can imagine saying what you did but then I am autistic and things are black and white for me. Why couldn't Janet have left it, if it wasn't a big deal?

jannier · 09/04/2024 20:45

springyellowrose · 09/04/2024 19:01

@Chocyaddict
The childminder is open about not being registered - everyone knows. Janet knows.
It is not a secret.

Sure it is on the parents to make their own choices?

There are other registered childminders in the neighbourhood, who also know and hang out with the group sometimes.
They can report if they want.

The real childminders are in breach of duty themselves. The whistleblowing requirements have recently been updated

Noyesnoyes · 09/04/2024 19:16

springyellowrose · 09/04/2024 19:01

@Chocyaddict
The childminder is open about not being registered - everyone knows. Janet knows.
It is not a secret.

Sure it is on the parents to make their own choices?

There are other registered childminders in the neighbourhood, who also know and hang out with the group sometimes.
They can report if they want.

You are absolutely right! It's the parents choice and risk to take, let them deal with any fall out.

Axx · 09/04/2024 19:09

It's not that deep. No need for you to stick your beak in.

Original poster
springyellowrose · 09/04/2024 19:01

@Chocyaddict
The childminder is open about not being registered - everyone knows. Janet knows.
It is not a secret.

Sure it is on the parents to make their own choices?

There are other registered childminders in the neighbourhood, who also know and hang out with the group sometimes.
They can report if they want.

OP posts:
Chocyaddict · 09/04/2024 18:36

springyellowrose · 09/04/2024 10:29

Ok
So the childminder looks after Janet’s daughter in her own house, not Janet’s house.
Hence I used the word unregistered - I know the difference between a CM and a nanny and yes we are in the UK.

She is very open about it and even takes some other kids ad-hoc and on weekends, although Janet is her fixed client during the week.

Everyone knows and nobody cares and I will not report.

I’m not sure why you wouldn’t report this. As @jannier (and others!) have correctly stated there are so many more concerns about them being unregistered than lying about a dummy. They will not be insured if something goes wrong, probably don’t have first aid training, might have a terrible criminal history (or somebody they live with), might be a safeguarding risk to children, they are not regulated so nobody is monitoring them… the list is endless!

KomodoOhno · 09/04/2024 17:22

If you lie about little things you lie about big things.I know it's hard to find childcare but no way could I be comfortable with this.

AntiHop · 09/04/2024 16:36

You've done nothing wrong. I'm glad you're still friends with Janet. The other mums are being petty. That must be upsetting to you.

jannier · 09/04/2024 16:22

Concannon88 · 09/04/2024 16:11

There's no such thing as an "illegal childminder" shes doing mum a favour by babysitting and people refer to her as a childminder. Nothing untoward

Show quote history

An illegal childminder is someone caring for an under 8 for more than 2 hours from their home for financial reward .....and there definitely is such a thing.
That person will have no insurance for injury the child sustains or causes, will invalidate their own house insurance and car insurance if they use it, (will be operating as an illegal taxi too), the adults in the property will not have been adequately vetted...even if they have a work based DBs...they won't have any training on working from home with children....even teachers transferring have to attend different courses....they may well not have any first aid training.
If you look at child accident statistics you will see how likely a child is to have an accident and if that is life changing the childs family will have to sue the carer who may then lose their home they also risk being sued themselves as the child becomes an adult.

Cuckoochanel80 · 09/04/2024 16:22

Been there but they're not your friends if they do this so easily without speaking to you. Just move on.

OnigiriJones · 09/04/2024 16:22

Urgh. Some of the responses here! Ridiculous. You were honest but as you’ve discovered, people do shoot the messenger. I still believe you did the right thing and the bonus is you’ve discovered that these supposed “friends” are anything but. Good riddance to them.

Concannon88 · 09/04/2024 16:11

hookiewookie29 · 09/04/2024 13:28

Think I'd be more concerned that she was using an illegal, unregistered childminder who will have no insurance and possibly no fist aid training......

There's no such thing as an "illegal childminder" shes doing mum a favour by babysitting and people refer to her as a childminder. Nothing untoward