Neither parent wants to live with their child fulltime what happens?

^^This in bucketloads. F**king hell. How sad. Poor kid. They’d be better off in fostercare than with either their ‘natural’ (but really lacking in natural instinct) parents who resent looking after them. They’d probably treat a dog better.

It's very depressing that whatever situation a woman is in, she must put others first. It can be an extremely relentless, stressful and shitty life being a single parent. I have two and am one.

Even on the verge, or having an actual breakdown, women must put children first because no one else will. She is thoroughly shamed for even suggesting she isn't happy and is screaming inside about her unjust situation.

But it's easier for the father, the child and the rest of society if she just goes along with it all without protest and allows the death of her soul. If she's smiling, it's even better. What a good mother.

@Nanny0gg Precisely, I completely agree, so there should be sanctions in the form of some sort of legal recourse.

In some cases, decent parenting needs to be incentivised, and I would hazard a guess a stick rather than a carrot would be considered more appropriate.

I also realise, someone who is mentality and emotionally deficient may still not understand the damage they inflict.

Enormous problem to solve.

But you can't force an unwilling parent to be a decent parent

So the child still loses

Whilst she rightly wants him to step up and be a proper parent he is clearly not going to.

So how can she bear the thought of leaving her child with him?

Yep, there are "underlying issues with the child" - namely, his parents

They do but whether the parents are together or not doesn’t necessarily dictate if they will get one. You can have a lot of crap male role model dads who are still with their child’s mum. And good role model dads who are separated from the mum.

Equally a child can have good male role models who aren’t their dad.

I think girls need a good example of what a man should be like in their lives too, including to help them make the right choices of partner (if they are straight) or just of men to have in their lives.

So yes you’re right but it’s complicated!

A 10 yo is NOT on the verge of not needing childcare.

My son is 15. I work full time with the normal holiday allowance ie working most of the school holidays. It has been HARD. Year after year of really stressful school holidays shuttling him about to sports camps or similar.

It's not just a couple of weeks of muddling through with say a 12 yo whose a bit bored over the holidays...it's many, many weeks, year after year.

It's getting better now as he can get the bus into town (we live rurally) and is more independent, but it is hard for lone parents with no support. And I have a very flexible job, and a level of seniority which means I can mange my own time give or take.

Yes, they do, and lots of them are very good schools. We have one near us.

I'm actually not against boarding and we might send DC boarding for a few years in the future, but boarding is an inappropriate option for a child in this situation imo. Firstly, boarding schools are not therapeutic institutions and, although children from difficult backgrounds do end up there, the staff are not really qualified to help them appropriately. Boarding school staff, although usually very good at their jobs, are an extremely poor parental substitute. Second, the type of child boarding works very well for imo is a confident, extroverted, independent child with secure parental bonds who is looking to get something in particular out of their boarding experience - often access to particular sporting and educational opportunities. Boarding should be entirely the child's choice and not forced on them by parental circumstances. Third, 11 is too young imo.

Thank you @crackofdoom for making sense. Everyone attacking the mum whilst going oh well, the dad is shit but never mind need to really question why they think it's ok for one parent to fuck off but the other is an evil specimen who deserves to be sterilised. Spoiler; it's sexism.

We demand women put their needs below everyone else's yet don't hold men accountable for anything. The mum here is clearly fucking knackered but instead of being furious at a society that lets men get away with being deadbeat trash, the anger is directed at a woman desperate for help

Do state boarding schools exist?

@AspiringChatBot this is why I feel there should be legal recourse, not necessarily jail time for the reasons @CrispieCake pointed out as children need both parents. Unless a parent has died there is no excuse for the NRP to opt out because one has decided it’s rather hard.

Haven't read the full thread but your op is heartbreaking

On the flip side - I have a situation in my extended family where a dad of two children, aged 2 and 4, moved abroad to work for an NGO for a year and kept on moving, never came back. The mother eventually filed for divorce, the dad set up automated child support payments but after a couple of years of Christmas and birthday gifts appearing in the post, lost all direct contact with the children. The mother was able to care for them financially but wasn't really able to focus 100% on being the sole parent - there was a nanny, several au pairs, summer camp, stepdads, and lots of holidays with (maternal) grandparents and aunties.

The dad has recently reappeared and wants to be "in my children's lives" again. The children are now 17 and 19 - the older one really wants a relationship but doesn't/can't trust the dad, the younger one is polite but completely disinterested, says dad is a stranger and that's fine. But both of them are absolutely furious that their mother "let" this happen, that she didn't fight harder to force the dad to maintain some kind of relationship with the children.

So when I read this, I don't necessarily see a mother who doesn't or love her child, but perhaps a mother who is desperate to do everything she can to do the right thing for her child. (And yes, it is very wrong that this is visible to the child.) Reading your follow-ups, I suspect that your hunch is correct and that she will eventually cave in and essentially be a single parent and harshly judged for whatever she does and there will be no negative consequences for the dad. The child is, unfortunately, going to be hurt no matter what.

@@Lovethistimeofyear what?

This happened to my BIL. He ended up in children's homes, never fostered. You can see the effect it has had on him throughout his life, although he's a lovely guy.

I couldn’t give a fuck about empowerment when it comes to my kids. They are my children and I would do ANYTHING for them.

I certainly wouldn’t use my child to make
myself feel empowered.

This thread is depressing to read.

i could be this mum. Completely burnt out. Two kids to look after an ex that disappears for months at a time. The unfairness grates on you. These men that want children and then realise it’s hard work so they just walk away. Off they go living their blissful child free life, holidaying, furthering their careers as no childcare to consider, doing the bare minimum but taking credit for their amazing children. I get it. I can relate to the mum. Meanwhile poor mum is the unpaid labour barely getting by day to day.

Men get away with just walking away and it’s wrong. There are no repercussions other than some inadequate maintenance payment.

I don’t believe social services would get involved unless there are other concerns - residence disputes happen every day and SWS cannot get involved. They don’t have capacity or a legal basis for being involved.

I believe that school have made a referral due to the emotional impact on the child.

If a parent abandons their child they can and should be charged. Unless there is more information that you are withholding.

SWS don’t accommodate children for no reason and nor should they. I am not minimising your relatives stress - however if someone is struggling to the point where they cannot continue to care for their child, usually family would be approached to support / scaffold. And this could lead to further assessments being undertaken.

The poor child 😔

My mother was a criminal psychologist and she has always said if you take a child away from its parents (or parental role) they’ll never recover

i think she’s 100% true.

I sort of agree.

It's difficult... People say things like "how can they not want their child?"

But there are lots of fathers who don't want their children, or don't want them more than EOW, and tbh we're largely cool with that. So long as they pay CM, they're seen as ok.

There were some interesting statistics which I saw on here once about what happens to children when a parent goes to prison. If the father, they mostly stay with the mother. If the mother, they usually end up with family members other than the father or in the care system.

Is there a grandparent or aunt who would be willing to take in the child? Even if too far for the parents to visit.

@MumblesParty 👏well said!!!

This is one of the saddest things I've read on here. How can they not want to be with their child full-time?! I really hope this poor child doesn't end up too mentally damaged from this. Bastards.

@Anxiouslump agreed, there should be legal recourse for shitty parenting, and that doesn’t start with the RP who steps up, ending up at breaking point.

I will say it again, this thread has laid bare so must of the lip service that gets spouted on here about empowerment - this thread has blown that apart, clearly mothers are no more empowered than they were 59 years ago.

Depressing as fuck, and this shit is supported by woman too it seems.