Neither parent wants to live with their child fulltime what happens?

I 100% get this! It's bloody hard on your own! I'm a single mum of 4! My eldest has ADHD and is being assessed for ASD he has challenging behaviours and there has been times that I have felt exactly like this his dad hasn't been on the scene since he was 6 he's now nearly 14 I've suffered with depression and anxiety and I've had soo soo much shit going on with him in the last few years to the point I messaged his bio dads sister to get his dad to call me but all he said was i can have him when he's 18!!! Made my blood boil! Yeah when all the bloody hard work has been done you useless prick! It makes me soo angry that dads can just walk away and see them when they want too yet us mums have no choice we sacrifice our lives, our time and our happiness because we have too be mum 24/7 I know your friend wouldn't put him care it's a cry for help and she is desperate for the father too step up and I know she loves him so these comments your getting from people slating her as a parent ignore because I totally understand where she is coming from as I have been in this situation. It's bloody hard! Mentally draining and emotionally tiring. I wouldn't know what to suggest hun because I have 4 children and their dads are just as useless as this one and don't want too have the kids anymore than they do. I just wanted to put my comment here to say she's not alone with how she feels and I totally understand why she is feeling this way! She should be proud of herself doing it for soo long on her own and managing the house and work also! She needs reminding she's got this 💪🏻 and she's doing great! 😊 and that it will get easier 😊

Poor little love

Child will be messed up within a year. Poor child.

What does the child want? Hes ten so can clearly speak his mind. Foster placements are hard to come by and Social services will not want to fund a placement when there are two perfectly capable (albeit selfish and lazy) parents who can care for their own child. This will be explained to the parents. What a bunch of ridiculous time wasters, like Social services dont have enough to manage at the moment. This was a private arrangement im assuming, both parents should have to hire a solicitor and take it to family court. Once they have to pay privately to sort their own issues they will quickly come to an agreement. OP please talk some sense into them for the sake of that child- he will be able to view all records when older and see how his parents behaved!

No, they are both neglectful parents.

Nobody is saying that the mother is worse than the father. Merely that both of them are shit.

And that the child is extremely unfortunate to have not one but two crap parents.

I don't think it's best for children to have a 50-50 set up. Who would like to have to keep picking up their lives and shifting home, two different bedrooms and desk spaces, two sets of house rules, in and out of access to their friendship group like the hokey cokey. It might suit parents just fine, less so if they had to do it themselves.

And thinking about it, there is such a shortage of foster parents and so little money in councils, due to Tory cuts, thresholds are so high to support the most vulnerable.
Children in risky homes have to stay because there is little other choice.

These adults are not going to be supported easily to hand over their child (who if it happened could even be moved out of the locality for a foster placement). Most likely would be a ‘kinship care’ arrangement where a family member fosters the child.

As adults, none of us, issues/safety excepted, should be able to give our child to a council to take care of. We make a choice of responsibility when we have children.
That does not exempt men who get an easy ride quite often. Walk away, see the child if and when it suits and pay little or no maintenance. My ex, full-time, working professional, paid maintenance that didn't even cover our DC’s dinner money, never mind anything else teenager needed.

Plenty of mothers don't want 50/50, lots of threads on here with women who are distressed about the father going for 50/50. Is it best for the child? Well I suppose that depends on many things. Not all women are going to be happy if they have to have 50/50.

How many times has the response to a man wanting 50/50 been that he is just trying to minimise what he has to pay?

If school and social services are involved I don't believe this child doesn't know what is going on.

This poor kid doesn't stand a chance. She'd be old enough to understand that she isn't wanted at half her age. Regardless of the fairness of it I just couldn't be friends with either of these people without telling it to them straight how much they're screwing up their innocent child tbh. Just horrible.

I didn't mean to have a go at you, I was only putting my indignation at the situation in context!

Sorry for any offence. If it helps, I always see that as MN's eye-roll emoji, not smirky. And it was my expression at what this poor kid's awful parents are doing. I realise that wasn't clear. Apologies again 🙏

Agree with this.

50-50 repsonsibiity for childcare and earning.

No such thing as child maintenence any more, would save a ton administering and trying to enforce.

This is a red herring. Trying to get the Dad to step up is one thing, dumping a child somewhere they don't want to be and refusing to collect them is another. If roles were reversed and the resident Dad had dumped his kid on a feckless mother I'd be calling him out too just as harshly. Because the child needs to know you've got them, no matter what.

Taking a stand for empowerment is not what this is. Being angry with the other parent and harming the child to punish him with the inconvenience of his presence? That's shit human behaviour, whatever sex you are.

A child goes into foster care because the parents have split and the mother thinks the childcare arrangement is unfair-fuckin hell I’ve heard it all now. I don’t doubt it’s a shitty hand she may have been dealt but she should keep him with her at all costs.

Poor child. I simply can't imagine how awful it must be for them to know they are unwanted by both parents. Having one neglectful shitbag for a dad is bad enough, but mum joining in tips it over the edge. I hope you have explained to the mum the extreme damage she will do to her child's self esteem by this selfish behaviour.

Put your snidey smilies away.

At the point I started typing my question, there were very few responses and not much info from the OP.

If there had been medical or behavioural issues then perhaps respite or something might have been something to consider.

OPs updates show it's something else entirely but, not being psychic, I didn't know that.

Happy now?

She loves her DC more than anything in the world but is under a hell of pressure and feels that dad could step up more given he lives so close

Does she? Both sound awful tbh.

I understand doing everything for your child and how frustrating that is, I am in that position myself. But I would never EVER allow my child to go into Foster care because I just one day refused to do anything else for them in some sort of attempt to make their rubbish father step up.

Of course its shit when one parent doesn't do what they should be doing and I do completely understand how difficult it is as the parent who does everything. But know how shit my child's other parent is, I would never refuse to have them back. Its the child that will suffer.

I don't know how any mother or father could simply refuse to have their child back in that situation 🤮

Quick rundown:
I live with my partner whilst my adult son (23) lives alone in my house a few miles away. He is a uni student and pays me minimum rent everytime he gets his student loan. I pay for rest of bills. He is very difficult to live with.
my daughter (22) lives 100 miles away at uni also. Her and her brother do not get on AT ALL. She comes back for a few days during breaks and stays in my house with her brother. Yesterday he had a massive meltdown because she used ‘his’ bowl. I spent N hour calming him down, I’ve never seen him so upset. He said she’s impossible to live with. I honestly can’t see how, she speaks her mind but so does he. They both say I treat each differently - if I’m being honest I get on much better with my daughter, and it breaks my heart to see her upset. She says she feels she has no home when she comes back from uni. She can stay with me and my partner for. Few days here and there but his flat is very small. ( I can’t swap with my son as it’s too far from our work and also it’s against our tenancies). I am torn in all directions and affecting my mental health.

The dad's hardly a disney dad if he has them EOW and half of the school holidays. He's paying fair maintenance through CMS.

Definition of Disney daddying imo. "I'll have my kids when it suits me but god forbid their presence should actually inconvenience me in any way".

Of course it's Disney daddying to refuse to actually care for your child.

And? I had assumed it must be something extreme. It's not though.

Yes, absolutely crazy. A very high percentage of non resident dads do it every day, but that a mother wants to stop picking up the responsibilities the dad should take is absolutely unthinkable.

It goes very much with the stereotype that gets so many women to baby sit for the single dad to help out in the very meagre time he spends with his children, while a poor woman that wants the dad to help more is seen as “disgraceful”.

Having said that, it can also happen to dads who are resident parents but there are not many of those around.

I feel sorry for the kids but I don’t think the RP is asking for anything outrageous, they are the NRP’s kids as well after all. I’m sure however that the NRP doesn’t want to cover his half so is happy to punish kids and RP to keep the status quo.

"So a father can see his kid 4 days a month and 6 weeks during the holidays, pays the CM minimum and he is a hero." @PyongyangKipperbang I never said he's a hero.
I have friends who do 50:50, sounds ideal. My ex does a night every other weekend and a night in the week, would love him to have them more but my dc like the arrangement and I want them to be happy. My dp has their dc full-time as their mother did exactly this and refused to have them back. When she fancied having them back as suited her the dc children were so traumatised by it they wanted to stay with their father. No propaganda, just lived experience.

You can't insist though. You can't force someone to step up and be a better parent, and you certainly shouldn't dump your child on someone who doesn't want them.

I've been there and I get it, believe me. Anyone thinking of having children should be prepared for the fact that for various reasons they could end up raising those kids on their own. I do it, and it can be pretty tough but it's my responsibility, and also a privilege in some ways, I'm the one who gets to experience the love, and the closeness, the pride, hopefully with the next generation too.

This poor kid has two parents who were apparently unprepared for what life might throw at them. Imagine what he's feeling right now, and he'll remember it for the rest of his life. It's a hell of a game of chicken to be playing.

Says who? SS won't label her. They'll be looking for a parent willing to parent and be interested in the child being looked after properly by either mum or dad. I don't think she's being brave at all tbh. I think she's throwing her toys out of the pram.

The dad's hardly a disney dad if he has them EOW and half of the school holidays. He's paying fair maintenance through CMS

Wow, the propoganda really did its work on you didnt it?

So a father can see his kid 4 days a month and 6 weeks during the holidays, pays the CM minimum and he is a hero. But when Mum says "Enough, time to step up and actually be her father" she is the one in the wrong?

you make a commitment when you have children

So how come only one of those parents has actually stepped up for the childs whole life and done that?

I feel sorry for the kid too. But mostly for the mother because when this doesnt work, as Disney Dad will not give in, she will be the one castigated.

Further.....the sad part is that she is being very brave by forcing him to blink first and unfortunately when he doesnt (as it sounds like he wont) she will be labelled the neglectful parent but not him.