Neither parent wants to live with their child fulltime what happens?

No, it applies equally to both, as I have already stated numerous times on this thread.

The fact that the father won't step up doesn't make it OK for the mother to say that she isn't going to step up either. Both are equally responsible and both are equally in the wrong. Both should 100% be prepared to step up and compensate for the other parent's shortcomings, if that's what it takes to care for the child, because none of it is the child's fault.

I can't see why people are struggling with this. If your child's father is a waste of space, why would you want your child to pay the price for that? If the father doesn't give a shit, it's no skin off his nose if the mother decides that she isn't going to give a shit either. The only one to suffer is the poor child caught in the crossfire.

Does prepared to parent alone only apply to the mother then? As the father here certainly doesn't feel that way

My DDs dad was a waste of space and refused to have them much and tes I did feel resentment over it.

SS will not easily accept care of the child. They will try to support the parents to understand their legal and moral obligations.

Why would you assume that?

This is true, he has been involved.

But he is also a shit father if he is refusing to take the child when his mother says that she no longer wants him.

Both parents should be willing to have their child 100% of the time if the other parent can't be arsed. It isn't good enough for either of them to say, this is how much I'm prepared to do but I'm not doing any more.

They are both 100% responsible for the child. Ideally, they should be able to share this responsibility 50/50, but if one person won't, the other should step up. That applies equally to both the fathers and the mother.

Fully agree. But I don't agree that this man is a sperm donor father. He's active and involved, though clearly less than 50%.

So why did the OP present it so differently?

You can put whatever spin on it you like, but I'm not getting that from the OP's posts.

From what she said, this isn't a case of mum having a mental health crisis and suddenly finding that she can't cope.

It sounds like she asked the dad to have the dc for a period while her house was being done up, enjoyed the freedom that this gave her and decided that the old arrangement wasn't "fair" so she didn't want to go back to it.

Of course, if the OP comes back with a massive drip feed about mum having a mental health crisis, then we can reevaluate. But if that were actually the case, why wouldn't the OP just say this in response to a direct question? She was asked about mental and physical health conditions and she responded to say that there was a physical condition. Not sure why you would extrapolate from that to conclude that mum is experiencing a mental health crisis?

I think lots of people are assuming mental ill health because they can't imagine any other circumstances in which they would decide that they no longer wanted to live with the child. But I have seen little evidence of this in the OP's posts to date.

It's very "my child can fit in with my life" parenting.

Whereas most women have to make sure that their lives fit in with their children.

I can understand this mum's fury but it's not ok to behave in a way that impacts the child.

@Medschoolmum

The mum has been looking after the child for 10 years with very minor input, something must have changed mentally for her. People rarely just wake up one day and decide to not parent anymore. To me it sounds she is in crises with her mental health.

This!

Any loving parent would think if the CHILD's interest before their own. It may be in the mother's interest to have more child-free time and for the father to step up, but it's most certainly horrible for the child to feel unwanted by both parents. I can't imagine doing this to my beautiful daughter. Her emotional well-being and not 'sticking it to my useless ex' is my main concern.

So what will happen to this poor child

Yes a father should step up

We sadly know many don't

If he doesn't surely the mum will

And as the child gets j to teens he will reliese what a knob his dad is

You hear all the time about parents using their children as pawns in their own battles. I think this must be the ultimate example of that.

I have already acknowledged that, if the mother has had some sort of mental breakdown which means that she is unable to care for the child, then clearly, she needs support.

But I don't have the impression from the OP that this is the case. She was asked a direct question about whether the mother had mental or physical health problems. She responded to say that mum has a "physical condition". No further details and no mention of mental ill health. She has mentioned that the mum feels "under pressure" and she also mentioned that the mum "may crack" but it isn't really clear as to what this means.

The OP also outlined very clearly near the beginning of the thread that the mother was doing this because she feels that dad has all the fun and that the old arrangement was unfair. That really doesn't sound like a description of someone who is facing a mental health crisis to me. It sounds like someone who is frustrated and using their child to make a point.

I have every sympathy with lone parents who want their ex partners to step up and share the load. I understand the sense of injustice and the frustration that they must feel. However, I can't ever condone taking out this frustration on an innocent child.

The child is the parents responsibility. They have to.make it work never mind all this don't want to live with them full time rubbish. Poor kid.

Exactly. This is what I don't understand. My heart breaks at the idea of my child asking to come home and me refusing out of trying to make some sort of point to their other parent. She's shit for this too.

@Medschoolmum

Factually yes the child’s needs should always come first.

But when a person is suffering mental health and at the breaking point, life does not look that black and white. I know I have been there.

I have certainly fantasised about packing a bag and thought all the scenarios through. I know logically it doesn’t make sense but I can totally relate the unfairness of it all especially when the parent isn’t dead. My kids dad is not a terrible dad so to speak if he bothered but just lazy and disinterested and puts his own needs and desires first. He presented himself very differently before children

I guess from the OP the friend does not intend to allow the child to have no home but the intention was simply trying to force a man to step up. Sadly it’s completely futile as he will not. Clearly it has all got a bit out of hand.

Then when he’s a grown man, the mother will be on here moaning she doesn’t see him, where did I go wrong , hand wringing etc etc
This a wee boy who by looks of things is not wanted, like it or not a mother should be thinking of her child ,it’s emotional abuse forcing him to prove a point to his Dad, we KNOW he should have a relationship but it’s not realistic if the dad resents him and/ or is not interested in his son at all.

As for those going on and on about the patriarchy, yes a dad should step up too but we all know you can lead a horse to water etc etc this is a wee boys life and only childhood they are expletive deleted messing up and as your a relative I’d be telling her this.

Send the poor lad there then, with a link to the "they sent me to stately homes" thread.

Yes.

The one I looked at (Royal Alexandra and Albert) is absolutely gorgeous with ponies and amazing grounds and it's only around £1K per term.

Being fair, he has the child every other weekend and half the holidays. Obviously that's not full time parenting but it's not just being a sperm donor!

There’s one near me, I know it does week boarding as someone I know had their child stay over on weekday night, assume that some kids are there 100% but not checked

Of course it's wrong that men get away with just walking away, but the solution to that is not to make it easier for women to walk away as well.

I agree that this thread is depressing, but for different reasons. I am depressed by the number of people who seem to think that "fairness" for the mother is a valid reason for treating the child like shit.

I don't dispute the fact that it's unfair if a dad abandons his kids and walks away, leaving the mum to do everything. I can see why that might grate on you, but you can't fix the situation by doing the same thing yourself.

When we become parents, we have to be prepared to accept total responsibility for our children. We cannot possibly know whether we might be left to raise the child alone, whether that's because the other parent abandons them, dies or whatever. We have to be prepared to take on 100% of the responsibility for them, and if people aren't up for that, then I don't think they should be parents. Yes, I get that lone parenting is difficult, but for the sake of the child, we may have to suck it up.

I'm all in favour of doing more to ensure that men step up and do their fair share. No argument with that at all. But I'm not in favour of women just unilaterally stepping down to do less if that means that the children are left feeling unwanted. Two wrongs don't make a right.

The child's needs should come first.

Agreed, most kids don’t want to do that. We tried it for 2 months when we first split but it became clear it wouldn’t work. We tried again last year when my ex returned from working overseas but DD is in GCSE year and didn’t want to keep moving all her books etc so she stays with me 100%.

I have sympathy for the mum as I’ve been there as a single parent. My ex sodded off overseas to work so I didn’t have EOW etc. I get she’s putting pressure on him but to the point SS are involved and her child is asking to go home? This is where I think she’s wrong. She can’t make her son suffer to force her point. Pretty soon he won’t need childcare, and he can stay home alone whilst she goes out etc. Dad isn’t going to crack so she need to bring her child home. I hope you’re encouraging her to put her child first.

Yeah, it's going to be a hell of a ride through the teenage years with the shame of rejection and the driving desire for acceptance making him incredibly vulnerable.