Neither parent wants to live with their child fulltime what happens?

We had a child in our school with this. The parents couldn't agree and both refused to act in the child's best interests. They ended up in care until one parent cracked and took pity on them. Bit by that time, both parents were required to do ExTENSIVE hoop jumping to get child back - paperwork, meetings constantly, parenting courses, etc. It was so sad, because essentially mum wanted dad to either have child more or pay more (totally reasonable) but he said no.

A 10 year old on drugs?!!

People are saying that the mother is a disgrace because she is allowing her very reasonable desire to share caring responsibilities to impact on the wellbeing of the child, which is not acceptable.

The OP said that Social Services are involved "because of the arguments" and because of a referral from the child's school. Schools do not make referrals to Social Services, and Social Services do not get involved, when a child's parents are simply exchanging emails about contact arrangements.

The OP has also stated very clearly that neither parent wants to live with the child full time and, as a concerned relative, she is now asking questions about foster care.

Perhaps you don't find any of the above at all concerning and the Social Services involvement/relatives discussing foster care options is all part of your "normal". However, for many people, those aspects of what the OP has shared are massive red flags that indicate that neither parent is prioritising the wellbeing of the child here.

Personally, I think it's incredibly naive to assume that a 10yo child won't have picked up on any of what's going on in this situation. They will almost certainly be aware of at least some of it, and that's heartbreaking. But even if we set that aside and assume that the child is blissfully unaware of any of what has gone on, what kind of parent would want their child to spend half of every week living with someone who has made it abundantly clear that they really don't want them? I couldn't do that to my child, could you?

Asking the child's father to step up and do his fair share is fine. Allowing the child to suffer the consequences when the father fails to do so is not. And that is why people are saying that the mother is a disgrace.

The father is a disgrace too, of course. That goes without saying. But two wrongs don't make a right, and ultimately, in this situation, both parents are failing an innocent child. You can defend that all you like. I think it's abhorrent.

@Tandora read the OP again. The mother has literally refused to pick the kid up and bring them home, saying it's the father's turn to do fulltime care.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the mother wanting to share caring responsibilities with the father

then why is everyone saying mum is a disgrace?

The issue is that neither parent wants to take responsibility for the child, and in the mother's attempt to make the father step up and take and do his fair share, she is making the child feel unwanted

you’ve entirely made this all up as far as I can tell. Yes there was a referral to social services, but OP hasn’t clarified exactly why.
OP has said mum is asking for 50/50. OP has said that arguments over this are (as far as she is aware) over email and not in front of child.

It's unfathomable, isn't it? I can't imagine how any parent thinks that this is reasonable simply because they want to make a point.

The mother is being completely unreasonable to punish her child for having a useless father.

Clearly the father is most at fault in all this but sadly there is no way of forcing him to step up.

Why on earth did the mother do all the running around while the child was staying with his father? She needs to put boundaries in place and stop martyring herself. But ultimately she needs to focus on what's best for her child and that is living with her, obviously.

Is the existing contact arrangement court ordered or was it agreed informally?

They need to do mediation if they haven't yet.

The child is not going to just shrug it off and say, oh well, mum has built up lots of credit in the parenting account over the last ten years
This makes me choke with sorrow for the poor kid. Just looking at my 6yo, the thought of him for even a second thinking we don't want him is horrendous. It's just awful.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the mother wanting to share caring responsibilities with the father. Nobody is saying that, so please stop twisting the narrative to suggest that this is what people are suggesting.

The issue is that neither parent wants to take responsibility for the child, and in the mother's attempt to make the father step up and take and do his fair share, she is making the child feel unwanted, to the extent that the school has had to make a referral to Social Services.

The fact that mum has spent the last decade caring for the child doesn't mean that it's going to make the rejection any less painful for the poor kid now that she can no longer be arsed. The child is not going to just shrug it off and say, oh well, mum has built up lots of credit in the parenting account over the last ten years, it's fair enough if she has had enough now and no longer wants to contribute.

This is not about what's fair between the parents. It is about the wellbeing of the child.

This. It’s a bloody disgrace.

@Rickrolypoly

absolutely.

If I think of all of the couples I know, every single one whose partner is a rubbish dad was a rubbish partner long before children arrived.

Every one of those women ignored all of the very obvious red flags.

Why can’t they have the child 50/50?

I would tend to agree with this to be honest, certainly on a personal level from just observing friends etc. I know 3 or 4 couples where the man was a useless man child before kids and marriage but the behaviour was overlooked/tolerated for a number or reasons. Kids then come along and actually it's not that the man changes, its that he doesn't change. However, now the behaviour is highlighted due to the addition of kids/work and all the extra stress that brings.
Certainly not suggesting that this is always the case but it is something I have seen first hand!

Anyone without a severe mental health condition who forces their own child to feel unwanted is a disgraceful and bad parent.

The father has been and continues to be a disgraceful and bad parent.
The mother was a decent parent, but has recently become a disgraceful and bad parent.

They are both adults. There is simply no need to let either off the hook.

Most people do not change so radically after having children that their lack of engagement or interest should be a shock.

Not all, but most.

Given a reasonable about of time in a relationship before having children most people’s true characters are discernible.

most crap dads can be spotted before pregnancy occurs if women have our eyes open

I'm interested in how this poster has come to this conclusion.

Many of us are lone parents ourselves. Yes, I judge anyone who doesn't want to care for their own child, male or female. Doesn't matter if you've done it all yourself or not.

I'm not. Life is tough, we have to take personal responsibility. If we (including myself in this) make bad decisions we have to take responsibility for this.

Your ex might have been one of the men who turned out to be crap only after kids but most crap dads can be spotted before pregnancy occurs if women have our eyes open

Regardless of how many red flags there may, or may not, have been, you're still blaming women for men's behaviour.

I think that on an individual level this is awful and feel very sorry for the child involved but the reality is that a major factor in upholding the very very shoddy treatment of RPs (usually mums) is that shit dads are basically playing a game of chicken with their children's well-being and 99% of the time women 'blink first' and put the kids needs first. If more women refused to blink perhaps as a society we would move towards legally enforcing things like splitting the costs of childcare or making maintenance reflect the actual amount it costs to raise a child.

Unfortunately while this happens children will suffer, ideally society and legislation would move towards this now to avoid that suffering but change rarely happens that way. Only when women as a collective stop absorbing the damage caused be feckless men will society demand that they must be less feckless. Again though the children will suffer and the women rather than the men will be blamed.

Again for the people in the back... nobody is absolving dad of his responsibility. It isn't a competition of who is the shittier. The fact is that whoever is right or wrong there's a kid in the middle of this who's probably going to grow up so fucking angry and disillusioned with the world that they can't function. As a parent you sometimes just have to grow up, stop point scoring and get the hell on with it otherwise a screwed up child is the consequence

Tbf eow and half the holidays isn't doing "fuck all"

And it's not that the predatory men are necessarily that clever, it's just that they have a predatory nature, they are drawn to situations that they since they can exploit, they are drawn to people who are soft / weak /naive/ vulnerable.
It's not a strategy they have formulated because they are clever, it's just instinct, they have predatory instincts.

one issue I think is that by the time we have the life experience and maturity to recognise a wrong un we are too old for babies 🤷🏼‍♀️

Ain't that the truth!!
Looking back there was no way for me to understand how I was being exploited at the time, I was too overwhelmed and people just didn't think like that back then. The things that I now understand and see so clearly- there was no pathway for me to reach that understanding at the time.
'Life has to be lived forwards but can only be understood backwards'

God this post has just made me so angry. I'm disgusted at so many posters thinking that the mother is as bad as the father in this situation. He has done fuck all for a decade whilst she has done EVERYTHING yet now that she wants equal caring responsibilities she's as bad as him?!? How, HOW??

No wonder so many people struggle in silence until they literally break, because if this is what happens when you ask for help, fuck me.