Neither parent wants to live with their child fulltime what happens?

as usual, the dad is a useless twat but when the mum cracks and needs help, she should be sterilised, she's awful etc. the father should be doing more here and it's frustrating that he gets to opt in and out of parenting whilst she doesn't. Yes I know it's a child and not a rug or set of teacups here but the point is that they are both parents, they are both responsible yet only one seems to be stepping up and acting like it. And as usual the woman will take the hit and sacrifice her well being as society demands that of us, never men.

I guess they could just give him up for adoption if neither parent wants to live with him.

At least if the kid ends up in foster care then everything will be completely even and fair. That's the main thing. Poor kid.

My mum used to say that you shouldn’t have children unless you’re willing to be responsible for them entirely.

I didn’t understand what she meant when I was younger but now I know: many men can’t be relied upon to do their job in parenting - either financially or practically, so don’t have a child if you aren’t willing to do it all yourself.

Well- if SS are already involved and each parent is saying they don't want the child then there is a very real risk the child will be put into permanent foster care. It's been some many years since i worked in that field but IME SS try and find a solution but if both parents are being so hopeless then they need a solution that provides real stability for the child.

So it may not be up to either of them in the end. And their fighting might turn around and bite them in the arse. Because these parents are failing their child. That is the crux of it.

Because at the end of the day it's not about the parents- it's about the child.

This is a good point. Maybe dad can pay more for childcare as the "price" of going about his life unencumbered so the mum doesn't have to work so much and can have more time with the DC.

I can understand why his mum wants his dad to have him more but surely she would prefer him to be in childcare (guessing wraparound care) than have her son in foster care. She will see him even less and it will be so damaging for him.

His dad is awful too if he would prefer his son to be in foster care than with him.

Poor child.

That poor child. I sincerely hope they are completely unaware that neither parent wants them.

The reality of being a parent is that you have to look after you child and be there for them. Most children are fortunate enough that at least one of them will do this, regardless of whether they want the other child to step up or not.

Both parents are disgusting

Ok - a slightly different perspective now @WhatWillHappenToTheDC when you say the Mum has to work so has to put the child into childcare and if Dad stepped up she would have more time with the child so it's not that she "wants rid" of the child rather that she wants extra time with them.

Both parents needs to get a grip and stop screwing their child over for the rest of their lives in their sad attempt to “win” against the other.

RP should take DC back as usual and any “fights to change the status quo should be done outside of the DC knowledge.

Both parents are an absolute disgrace.

Yeah, life isn't fair and the hard slog of raising children typically falls heavily on the mother where a relationship breaks down. But fucking hell - you have a duty not to let the shit roll down hill. That's job one.

Unfortunately the way our society is set up is that in most cases mothers are the default carers. Fathers can basically waltz in and out and choose their level of commitment.

This means that sadly the mum needs to step up. I sympathise with her feeling pissed off, but when you have children, it stops being about fairness between two adults and becomes about what is best for the children. And what is best for this boy is to be with the parent who has, up until now, been the decent, reliable consistent parent who has put him first. He has a shit dad to whom he's not a priority and nothing will change that.

I don't blame the mum for having a wobble - it's easy to see how the stress and injustice has got to her, although ideally she wouldn't have let it impact her child. We are none of us perfect thought. But ultimately she needs to get back on track, take her son back, love-bomb him and focus on undoing the damage that has been done by the adults' actions. Because this is what a decent parent would do and unfortunately her son only has one parent who is capable of being decent, even if they are not being so at the moment.

Personally, in her shoes, I'd have a go at extracting some money from him in addition to CM for essentially "making the problem go away" for him, and then use that to make life better for myself and my child. So ask for a lump sum towards childcare and other things.

I don't want to have my children full time as in I would have chosen 50/50 if given the option I didn't set out to be a lone parent but my ex won't have them so I suck it up and get on with it.

Absolutely 🥲

How horrible, that poor child.

I am a completely lone parent. No contact with DS's dad. I have ZERO help and have done everything on my own since I was 18 years old.

I would NEVER have said I didn't want DS full time. Yes it's shit when dads don't step up, yes it's unfair, but you crack on with it for your child's sake! I would rather be the one parent that my child knew he could rely on than try and point score and make him feel unwanted.

Both parents sound terrible and I judge them both.

I have two autistic children.

We changed working hours
We got a cleaner
We buy COOK food
We built a support network
We got an after school nanny
I’m on antidepressants which gave me some balance

My son goes to a special school. A trio of us formed a village - we have a WhatsApp where we can chat, vent, share tips, ask advice, we do stuff for each other. We were sick a few weeks ago - they were offering medicine runs, shopping etc.

I’m not saying you click your fingers and it’s done but when you’re in tough situations you make changes to improve things.

My life is not what I expected. I had thought I’d be back working full time, senior finance position and would’ve moved to an area I loved.

Nope. So I had to make changes. Otherwise I’d still be crying all the time.

This

I don’t see why the dad can’t step up. Sounds like the mum has done more than her fair share over the years. Maybe she thinks it’s his turn now. If you create a child, you should be prepared to support them 50/50 until they’re 18. Why is he getting off so lightly? Awful for the child stuck in the middle but you can see where the mum is coming from!

Years ago this happened to my little sisters best friend. There were 3 DC and Mum left to go off with another man leaving all 3 DC with their Dad. He said he couldn't manage them alone and all 3 got put into care. At the time they were 7, 5 and 2 years old. My sister's friend was 7. They couldn't find a foster home who could take all 3 DC so the younger 2 went to one FC and Linda my sister's friend had to go into a children's home as no FC available. My own Mum used to collect her after the gymnastics club, and take her back to the orphanage. We also had her to dinner one night a week. Her own Mum moved far away and never saw any of her DC. The father visited about once every month to begin with then over time only once every 3 months then once a year, then stopped contact. Most parents fight to keep their DC not neither don't want them. It's the ultimate abandonment.

If you're on your own with childless neighbours

Im a childless neighbour who looks after my neighbours kids for at least 1 day each weekend sometimes more because shes disabled and needs a little extra help

If you shut childless women out of your "village" without thinking you might shut yourself away from help without realising

I'd have to be in a right state to refuse to collect my child when I'd arranged to. The kid was expecting her and she didn't show? She duped the child into leaving for a couple of weeks and then said what exactly? "You can't come home"? Cruel.

As for the Dad, if he's been reliably sticking to a contact arrangement they've agreed, and flexible enough to take the kid for extra in the holidays when she's needed it then he doesn't sound like a total shit bag. The kid doesn't want to live with him either, which is important.

I appreciate burnout happens, but the kid is 10. Unless there are undisclosed behaviour issues here then that's not that hard.

I’m aware of a similar situation. Mother dumped kid on father and father dumps kid on another relative on and off when he’s had enough. The kid is a destructive feral nuisance I’m assuming caused by the mess the parents have created

Could mum move to be nearer relatives that could help?

There are various charities in my area that will provide help to parents who are struggling. Homestart for parents with under-5s, for example. Then there are a number of local charities that support single parents, families with older children, children with medical conditions, families in crisis etc.

I'm not saying that it isn't fucking difficult at all, and of course, charities sometimes have long waiting lists etc. It's shit for people who have no support.

But it still isn't right to make your own chd feel unwanted.