Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my mum she needs to tell me the full story or my cousin will be my MOH

134 replies

Asioella · 08/04/2024 13:07

Hi all,
So I'm getting married next year, I've been back and forth on who will be my MOH between my cousin and a long time friend. My cousin and I grew up together, went to
School together you name it . We drifted around age 16 but message regularly, meet for lunch/brunch once a month or so etc.

My mum is one of 3 sisters, they were all very close, one aunt never had children the other is the mother of my cousin. My aunt who never had children passed away 2 and a bit years ago at just 60. She had married well and made alot of money in her life so her estate was large. Her husband had passed just 16 months earlier and had no relationship with his family. They paid for both my cousins and my education, including uni. They loved us dearly. When she passed her estate which after IHT, gifts to charities and money for friends was left to be equally divided between me and my two cousins. It was no small amount, we have all been able to buy property in London.
My parents were the worst off of the 3 sisters, a modest by nice house, mortgaged but certainly not the freedom the others had.
I believe my mum was expecting her sister's money to be split 50/50 to her and her sister rather than straight to my cousins and I. I think my mum believes that my aunt is the reason this happened and that some persuading may have happened as this split leaves her children much better off and my aunt is mortgage free with a holiday home so has no need for it.
Since my aunt passed my mum and other aunt haven't spoken at all. My mum is furious with her but won't tell me why she thinks persuasion happened and why it matters! My parents don't have much left on their mortgage and I've told them once I've bought somewhere I'll give them as much as I can from my inheritance.
I told my mum yesterday that I might ask my cousin to be my MOH and she told me if that happens she won't come to my wedding. I said I will need more info to make that decision but I love my cousin.

AIBU to think my mum is being a little crazy and unless she can give me more info to have my cousin as my MOH?

OP posts:
Pocketfullofdogtreats · 08/04/2024 14:22

Your DM is being very selfish. I wonder if this behaviour will get worse as the wedding draws closer. Best to nip it in the bud now and firmly tell her that your cousin is being MOH unless you are given very good reason why she shouldn't. Give her a time limit - tell all by the end of April, or shut up and accept how it's going to be, kind of thing. The only kind way of dealing with a family wedding is to smile and nod, while your DM seems to be making a drama.

Rickrolypoly · 08/04/2024 14:19

It a shame that people get so worked up like this over money. I don't see it as she favoured your aunts kids at all. You and your cousins are all individuals and she split it 3 ways evenly. If you had a sibling then it would have been split 4 ways.
I cant imagine fallout out with my sister over this. Really such a shame.

Londonrach1 · 08/04/2024 14:18

Keep your inheritance and have your cousin as you moh. Don't let your mum keep abusing you like this.

GingerIsBest · 08/04/2024 14:16

Your mother is being very unreasonable in expecting you and your cousins to pay the price of some feud she won't even tell you about.

I do have some sympathy for her though - if she has always struggled a bit financially, to see 2/3 of the estate go to the other family, one that needed it less anyway, was probably a bit of a blow. I mean, she has no right to complain - people can leave money to whoever they like and it does rather sound like your aunt had an equally good relationship with all three of her nieces/nephews - but I can understand the hurt.

BruFord · 08/04/2024 14:13

I agree with PP’s. Disagreements /fallings-out of previous generations don’t need to be perpetuated, you have your own good relationship with your cousin.

I’m currently building relationships with my cousins that were previously stymied by our parents. Just because they don’t get on doesn’t mean that we have to continue the rift.

HowToSaveAWife · 08/04/2024 14:08

"That's your choice to make mother." And repeat as necessary.

Your wedding, have who you want. Unless aunt held a gun to other aunt's head to sway the will, I'd say your mother is being ridiculous. And money-hungry.

Have cousin as your MOH.

And keep your inheritance.

iamtheblcksheep · 08/04/2024 13:23

Spend all the money your aunt gave you on a house. Your mother is being greedy and manipulative. This is why your aunt probably bypassed her. She wanted YOU to have the money not your parents.

Have a lovely wedding. I hope your cousin says yes to being MOH.

toomuchfaff · 08/04/2024 13:22

Your DM is being absolutely unreasonable to think she can command what happens on your wedding for reason of her own feud you know nothing about. Your life (and wedding) cannot be dictated by the arguments and resentments of ancestors.

MsPavlichenko · 08/04/2024 13:15

Regardless of what information she has you’d be ridiculous to not do what you want at your wedding. Your DM threatening not to go is abusive behaviour. Don’t engage with it.

Your aunt’s money was hers to leave, your mum had no rights to it. Your offer to gift her some is very generous. Get on with planning your wedding and your future and don’t get involved in something that will ruin your relationship with your cousin and possibly other family members. Leave that to your mum.