Allowed to message a married man?

It really depends. If the messages are something that you'd be quite happy for your respective partners to see, then it's surely fine? I've messaged men before and it never occurred to me that it was an issue. We never even thought of crossing any lines. It was all friendship (and my DH did know about them and even met some). I suppose this is an issue couples have to decide among themselves. If anything starts to feel like it's getting too intimate or close or your feelings are changing, then I would definitely back away.

It’s slightly different, but I have lots of male colleagues who are friends. Occasionally, there are flirty blokes in work environments who are married but it’s not the 90s anymore, the boundaries are different.

Regarding parents, at primary we had several youngsters only ever picked up by dads. Some mums would not interact, but I never saw a difficulty

Would you want your husband to be having this friendship ?

I think knock off the gif and hobby stuff and stick to business re the boys and footie or whatever and is OK. its the drift into other things in texts thats an issue - it just presents opportunity as such. Chatting on the side lines is fine in a group just not off on your own etc

What?? There's nothing wrong, in principle, with an exchange of texts in this situation. It's not women's fault that men have a habit of turning innocent text conversations into something pervy and gross. As long as it's a conversation that you could happily have in front of your respective spouses, I don't see the harm. She can always block him if he turns out to be a wrong 'un.

This makes sad reading. I am an expat (it can be lonely!) and have really bonded with a dad from school over running. We often run together but we’ve since become good friends. We spent the day together in another city doing touristic things and having lunch (after a race) and he took me to a concert recently (his wife couldn’t go). Our DSs are both ND and we bonded over this too. We chat on WhatsApp a lot and send gifs etc.

There are 15 years between us and I’m fairly attractive and I do worry a lot about the optics and what the other school parents might think because he’s a good friend and I don’t want to lose a good friendship, and there is honestly not even a hint of anything further or inappropriate. He’s also friends with my DH and they go on dads nights out etc but never one to one stuff like we do. I really really hope his wife or the other school parents don’t find our friendship inappropriate.

If you have to ask the question, you already don't feel right about it.

No, you're not doing anything 'wrong', but you could be opening up a whole big can of worms and I wouldn't even think about going there.

Some women are totally ok with their husbands/male partners having female friends. Some are not. If your husband/partner is the kind of man who is incapable of having a platonic friendship with a woman, and basically has no interest in communicating with a woman unless for sex, then frankly I can see why you'd be worried about him messaging a woman. But I can't see why you'd be in a relationship with him.

The 'If you're worried it might be seen S inappropriate then you obviously know it is inappropriate.' line isn't true imo. It's perfectly possible to think it's fine to have a platonic friendship with a man while being aware that some other people wouldn't think it's ok.

Yes, didn't you get the memo? Me neither, apparently. I message men regardless of their marital status, clearly because of my misunderstanding that messaging about the weather/the price of coal/some random thing going on in my life was not equivalent to sending them photos of myself in my underwear sucking my finger.

If someone I'd met at DS's football training messaged me and said they felt they shouldn't be texting me because it might hurt my husband's feelings, I would think they were a complete loon.

Sorry, what? Is there a rule somewhere that I have to check a marital status of a person before contacting them? Unless you are sending him nudes, I think it is perfectly fine to message a person who is in a relationship with someone else.

I’m always puzzled how many people on this site are categorically against their husbands/ male partners maintaining friendships with women. If this was the other way around everyone would be up in arms about the man being controlling. It’s just really weird.

Or he's simply texting someone he sees at his child's football training.

Totally wrong unless his wife knows which I very much doubt!

Slowly slowly catch the monkey. He's testing the waters .

Just tread carefully. When replying to his messages, you have to imagine his wife reading every one (which she may well do). Don’t put kisses, don’t talk in code, I’d be very wary if I were you.

This. I don't choose my friends or acquaintances according to their marital status, and that's the same whether they're male or female. One of my newer male friends is someone I met on the sidelines of DS's football. He was married when I met him, then divorced, now dating -- but I fail to see why any of that is of any significance, tbh. I'm married. I'm not looking for sex.

This is so bizarre. Either it's a platonic friendly chat with someone you get on with at football, or you know there's an attraction in which case you wouldn't chat to him. Being honest which is it? Then act accordingly.

I think at the point a man is being asked does your wife mind us speaking I'd expect him to back off as that's fairly odd.

As long as you both keep within boundaries and you can honestly say it's just a friendship then it is fine. If you get the impression it's potentially not from him or he ever oversteps then stop.

Lots of pp wouldn't like this kind of casual communication between their partners and members of the opposite sex as you can probably tell from this thread. That doesn't automatically mean you are doing the wrong thing.

If you have to ask whether what you are both doing may cause a problem, then there is your answer.

If you had a partner OP, and your partner asked to read the messages between the two of you (or this guy’s wife asked to see them)- would you honestly be able to hand your phone over and say ‘yeah of course’ and have no worry at all they might not be happy about them? If YOU were the wife- would you be fine with it?

I have married male friends who I text from time to time, and I would be fine with anyone seeing the messages, it wouldn’t enter my head to consider if it was ok, as they are clearly platonic friendships.

As PP have said- if you have to ask and it’s something that’s worrying you- I think you know it’s not ok.

GIFs, not gifts. They're little moving pictures.

I did say to him his reply was im not doing anything wrong

This seems key but I just cannot
work out clearly what it means.

what did you say to him? Is texting ok or is it likely to be hurtful to your wife?
and he replied that he isnt doing anything wrong?

what were you talking about for you to ask if the messages would upset his wife?

A lot of it will depend on who is doing the leg work in their relationship. If he is the one with lots of free time to do his hobbies, wife keeping family life ticking over it could be an issue.
If his wife doesn't feel like she is doing the grunt work of the marriage and her husband loves her regardless it's probably fine.

DH isn't keen on my friends male or female. He does worry I like them more than him I think or at east have a better time. I know he loves me and our marriage so I am not worried when he has a drink with female work mates ( it's quite female heavy in management too so inevitable) despite working away most
y . He doesn't really have friendships outside of work circles and relies on my friends locally/socially.
However my friends make and female see the dynamic and are careful not to overstep. Chat in real life in full sight of others is different from txts and WhatsApp's and mis communication and oversharing are problematic.

The vast majority of men, IME, can't be arsed to chat like this unless there's something in it for them. So I'd shut it down, keep it in the group chat.

The OP says 'one of the other dads' which made me think they were implying they are also a dad.

Tbf, the OP isn't particularly well written so the "other" could easily just be a confusing extraneous word.