Allowed to message a married man?

I don't believe in a blanket statement of "married people shouldn't text the opposite gender" or anything like that.

But if the texting and phonecalls have prompted a discussion
"Is this hurtful to your wife?"
"But we're not doing anything wrong"
That's a red flag to me.

OP ignore what others are saying, this behaviour is all fine.
You are having an affair right ? This is all a normal part of it. Make sure his wife is ok with sex before you go ahead with that as well. Good luck !

They are pronounced "jifs"

It must be exhausting only seeing men as sexual objects.

No. Nobody is suggesting that sleeping in a bed with a male friend is fine. People are suggesting that it's fine and completely normal to have friends and acquaintances of the opposite sex. Is that so hard to believe?

I've been married for 20 years. Dh is in contact with loads of women, on social media and on mesages. Some are old friends, some ex-colleagues, and some involved in musical groups he plays in. They are friends/acquaintances in the same way his male ones are. Some I know well, others I don't know at all. It would never occur to me to be concerned about this unless I had an actual reason to be concerned, which I never have.

If you want to prevent your partner from having female friends, either you're old-fashioned or paranoid, or you have an untrustworthy partner who only sees women as sex objects. Unfortunately there do seem to be plenty of those around, but that doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with one.

I think if you have to ask you know the answer.

So having female friends isn't allowed for your husband unless you have control over it?

@Codlingmoths

This is the start of emotional affair territory, for sure. And whether that leads to something sexual, your guess is as good as mine in this case.
Your sarcasm gives the impression that you don't have experience of this. Or that you're simply immature or naive.
It's different when you've been on the receiving end, and innocuous texting is where it begins.

I mean, it really depends.

I'm married. Single men text me. I'm not doing anything wrong. Genuinely. DH knows we're friends and if I was messaging him and DH said what you doing I'd say messaging Bob.

But they're not the sort of messages he couldn't read. There's the odd joke about him missing me (we don't see other for months at a time) but that's about it.

If you were the wife and you read the messages, how would you feel?

Typo correction from my above post :

”His wife is lovely and welcoming but I’ve known him way before they got married “(not before they got rottener!) 😆

I have male friends and DH has women friends but these have built up over time and more organically. New to area and single I would say for sure he is having a sniff. Plus the issue with your DS was it so terrible it had to be out of the group chat.

What @Cornydogs wrote really.

I have a few male friends and dp has some female ones. I think the only issue with texting etc is when the conversation crosses a line and you start to feel like others wouldn't like it. So basically, by asking the question, I think you already know your chat has crossed a line and is no longer appropriate.

I know what you’re hinting at. Sex, you mean they can lead to sex! It’s insidious and creeping isn’t it, one minute you’ve accidentally let your eyes land on a man, the next he’s texting you, and 30 seconds later you are ripping each others clothes off. It’s INEVITABLE.

@Starman81 one of my best friends is a married man! His wife is lovely and welcoming but I’ve known him way before they got rottener. We do text - he sent me a message the other weekend asking how I was. He is a gem and means a lot to me - married men and (single!) women can be friends!

ne Is this ok or is it likely to be hurtful to his wife? I did say to him his reply was im not doing anything wrong but im just not sure I’ve never met his wife he seems to be the one who takes their son to matches etc I enjoy talking with him but certainly don’t want to cause problems

That said…are you saying you raised your concerns with him and he said “ I’m not doing anything wrong?” If so, the wording of that conversation and his reply in particular is interesting and it’s very telling that you had that conversation. I can’t put my finger on it but it just doesn’t sound completely platonic. I think you both may be aware of this? And note he didn’t outright say his wife wouldn’t be hurt.

I have married male former colleagues I still text to see how they are and share funny anecdotes etc and occasionally we meet up for coffee. I’ve never had to ask if their wives would be hurt. They would think I’d lost my mind if I asked that and would tell me I’d got the wrong end of the stick 😂

The fact his reply was “I’m doing anything wrong” kind of suggests he knows the boundaries are getting blurred.

It’s fine. Married people can talk to other people you know.

@notkeenonkiwis

All these faux naive people.
Some people enjoy pushing boundaries and wherever they are placed they will feel impelled to go further.

Some people don't want others to tell them what to do and they will dig their heels in if anyone so much as hints that it's perhaps not a good thing to do.
They'd insist that sleeping in the same bed as a male friend was "absolutely fine" and that no one should suggest otherwise

No-one has said any of that on here

I think the only times I’ve messaged other kids’ dads is about DC arrangements - clubs, activities etc. I’ve not strayed beyond that and neither have any of the dads. I think that’s best.

All these faux naive people.
Some people enjoy pushing boundaries and wherever they are placed they will feel impelled to go further.

Some people don't want others to tell them what to do and they will dig their heels in if anyone so much as hints that it's perhaps not a good thing to do.
They'd insist that sleeping in the same bed as a male friend was "absolutely fine" and that no one should suggest otherwise.

You do you OP, but don't feign ignorance. Ask yourself why you feel the need to do this?

@CarolynKnappShappeyShipwright I'm an expat too, and I know what you mean. But, having lived in small gossipy places in both sides of the Channel, I know that the local curtain twitchers are going to be making up salacious stories about you (and everybody else too) regardless of your actual behaviour, so you might as well do what you want. When DS was a baby, back in the UK, I actually had a nosy neighbour who WFH ask me point blank if I was having an affair with my Dad (to be fair, she didn't know he was my Dad) because "he always comes round in a suit in the middle of the day [i.e. when then-DH was at work] so of course I just assumed..."! I was aghast, because I would never have dreamed of monitoring her comings and goings like that, and if I'd seen men arriving at her house I would have thought nothing of it. Basically, if you worried what that kind of person thought, you'd be too scared to do anythin or talk to anybody.

In my experience they reveal themselves very quickly and you can just ignore them from then on. I think people know in themselves if there's an issue with what they are doing. A good rule of thumb is, would I do this in front of my partner? If not, then you shouldn't be doing it.

Come to think of it, when my DD was having speech therapy in a group for an hour and a half every week for a while, one of the Dad's and myself used to go for coffee at a local cafe while the class was on. We had to do something and we were too far away to go home. My DH knew about it and didn't care. Sounds like most people would have a problem with this. Sometimes men and women can just communicate socially over mutual kid interests.

In some ways I agree. But I think we all know there are people who use these messages to test the water/ put feelers out. Even if they just enjoy the attention, even if it is via messages x

Second this…. Even if the jokes etc start innocent etc, it’s very easy to step into inappropriate territory x

He sounds like a chancer. Men who are above board wouldn't persuade you they were 'doing nothing wrong' (so lets carry on) if you expressed concern. Why would they bother? You'd mean no more to them than any other take it or leave it acquaintance.

It's fine in general to make friends with a married man.

However when the conversation gets to the point of -

"Would your wife be OK with us talking like this"

"I'm not doing anything wrong"

Then it's not OK imo.