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Original poster

Allowed to message a married man?

170 replies

Starman81 · 08/04/2024 08:22

Looking for some honest opinions on this recently my son joined a football team which he is really enjoying im also new to the area so one of the other dads came over and chatted we talked at games briefly and at drop offs to the training but the other day he messaged out with the group chat just regarding an issue with my son since then we gadge exchanged messages between us gifs that kind of thing he mentioned he has a wife other kids etc We have some similar interests so chat about that aswell as the team we have chatted on the phone Is this ok or is it likely to be hurtful to his wife? I did say to him his reply was im not doing anything wrong but im just not sure I’ve never met his wife he seems to be the one who takes their son to matches etc I enjoy talking with him but certainly don’t want to cause problems

OP posts:
therealcookiemonster · 08/04/2024 12:48

surprised at the number of people saying this is not OK?

it really really depends on the individuals and situations

if the msgs are flirty of course its not OK

otherwise general friendliness... what's wrong with that?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 08/04/2024 12:46

If your husband were to read all the messages, would he be happy - do you have anything to hide ?!
If his wife were to read all the messages, would she be happy - does he have anything to hide ?!!!

if no to both above, then why this post...

Linedbook · 08/04/2024 12:43

I have a few married men I talk to in groups. Occasionally I might have something to ask one of them specifically, but tbh, I almost always do that in the group too. Not because there's anything wrong, but to keep boundaries and avoid misunderstandings.

If you're asking, you know it's not OK IMO

TheCatterall · 08/04/2024 12:42

If the chats remain primarily about your children, their hobbies and the autism signposting etc with very little conversation about day to day adult stuff (hobbies, shopping and life etc? Then I wouldn’t worry too much. I always work on the proviso - would I be ok with the whole of the WhatsApp group/community etc seeing this conversation? If there is nothing that makes me winch and think I’d rather they didn’t see that comment etc - all good.

flyinghen · 08/04/2024 12:39

Chatted on the phone?

You already know this isn't right, you need to put a stop to it.

CharlotteBog · 08/04/2024 12:37

Starman81 · 08/04/2024 12:19

I get that I’m single at all the fundraising nights etc and i do feel i get glares from the other mums when he talks to me It is kind of unfair im just there for my son Perhaps i should just keep to myself and other mums and not talk to the menfolks 🤷🏼‍♀️

Edited

Why are the other Mums glaring at you? That's very, very strange and would suggest there is a suggestion (either obvious or pathetic gossip) that there is more than friendship.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 08/04/2024 12:33

I would be careful, as this man may be targeting you for an affair - saying you have a lot in common - what, more than his wife? I would be suspicious of that for a start

Tallula7 · 08/04/2024 12:29

Put the shoe on the other foot....

diamondpony80 · 08/04/2024 12:27

Come on, what do YOU think? Surely you can put yourself in the shoes of the wife and come up with an answer.

PersephonePomegranate23 · 08/04/2024 12:22

Unless things have taken a suggestive tone, then there's nothing wrong with it at all. If the tone becomes at all suggestive, you close it down and stop further direct contact.

whiteboardking · 08/04/2024 12:20

Gosh I'm involved in my kids sports and have a few parent mates male and female I chat to by WAp etc Always about the sports etc but I've never thought I can't chat to someone just cos they are a man or woman who happens to be married. I guess if anyone checked the chats they'd see it was all just innocent chat about the teams etc

Original poster
Starman81 · 08/04/2024 12:19

I get that I’m single at all the fundraising nights etc and i do feel i get glares from the other mums when he talks to me It is kind of unfair im just there for my son Perhaps i should just keep to myself and other mums and not talk to the menfolks 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
CharlotteBog · 08/04/2024 12:17

I also drew back from a friendship with a married man, who was my ex from 30 years ago. He told me he didn't want his wife to know we were chatting. I wasn't having any of that so just stopped talking to him.

CharlotteBog · 08/04/2024 12:16

I am a single woman. I can assure all married/partnered men that any sort of communication with you does not mean I want to have sex or break up your marriage.
This is one part of being single I don't like. I have to consider what other people might be thinking about these things.

I did have to draw back from a friendship with a man when his girlfriend became jealous (I took the stand that his relationship took priority over our friendship even though she was wrong). She was jealous of him having any friends that were women. He's no longer with her and I was able to resume the friendship. He's engaged to a woman I am also friends with and everything's fine.

Original poster
Starman81 · 08/04/2024 12:15

No not at all I don’t know him

OP posts:
Rewis · 08/04/2024 12:13

Do you fancy him?

Original poster
Starman81 · 08/04/2024 12:11

Nothing inappropriate has been said I only asked that as my last partner was very strick about me speaking to anyone so i wanted to check she knew The chat is about my boy who has autism and some options that were available to help him progress It was all perfectly innocent I think tho i will maybe just go through the coach in future

OP posts:
Sartre · 08/04/2024 12:04

By asking this I’m assuming you have feelings beyond friendship for him? Or you’re worried the context of your conversation is inappropriate?

Messaging a married man is not inappropriate in itself, I do it all of the time and I’m also married. I’m the only female in our department now and I’m close friends with two male colleagues who are both married so we do message one another. I don’t fancy them and I’d be happy for my husband to read the messages so that’s how I know I’m not doing anything wrong. It’s only wrong if you know you’ve crossed a boundary.

Mothership4two · 08/04/2024 12:03

Starman81 · 08/04/2024 11:57

Your right im not at all i didn’t have much schooling due to my mother i have been fending for myself since a young age Sorry for the confusion ☹️

I got the gist of what you were saying. Please ignore unnecessary comments.

WannabeMathematician · 08/04/2024 12:02

And removed a second duplicate!

WannabeMathematician · 08/04/2024 12:02

Removed my duplicate post

WannabeMathematician · 08/04/2024 12:01

What was he supposed to say when you asked him if this was hurtful to his wife? Was there any acceptable answer?

Nottherealmama · 08/04/2024 12:01

Probably not a popular opinion but a factor is if you're attractive or not. His wife isn't going to be pleased if he's suddenly friends with a woman he's likely to fancy. Someone a bit frumpy, she probably wouldn't care. That doesn't mean that she doesn't trust him and he'll cheat but theres no way on earth she would be ok with that. It also depends on other factors, such as does he have lots of casual friendships with both men and women, or are you his first new female friendship in a while. If you're feeling the need to question it, you're probably in the wrong.

dontdropthefuckingquiche · 08/04/2024 12:00

.,?!
These are all freely available to use on your keyboard.

It might help with people reading your posts.

Original poster
Starman81 · 08/04/2024 11:57

Your right im not at all i didn’t have much schooling due to my mother i have been fending for myself since a young age Sorry for the confusion ☹️

OP posts: