Allowed to message a married man?

BUT its not you i would be mad at if i found out. its my tw@ of a husband, i would also be able to tell if it was just friendly talk every now and then or if it was crossing my boundary between friendly and emotional/flirty

Personally i wouldn't like my husband doing that BUT i also know my husband wouldn't. To me its just opening up chances for something even if just emotional.

No worries, I know what you mean now too :)

It's really difficult in these situations and I myself am married and I have male friends, some married some not, but having being in a position where a woman was really crossing the line with my DH a few years ago, I always try to help in these threads. X

Oh I see. Thanks for clarifying. Yes, if a friend started telling me personal things they should be telling their partner then I (single) would step back - not to encourage my friend to talk to their partner, but because (as you say) it would indicate they felt more able to talk to me about such things than their partner.
But this doesn't mean that I (single) can't share my own personal things with a close (married) friend.

I interpreted 'last thing at night' less literally i.e finally sitting down at 11.30pm and having time to catch up with messages, not the actual last message sent before you go to sleep. I see what you mean now.

I mean personal things he should be discussing with his wife, not the usual I've had a bad day crap.

And by morning and night, yes that is a boundary if they are the first person they are thinking of first thing and last thing if your married. It's getting into emotional affair territory along with all the above I said.

Texting first thing in morning and last thing at night

I often catch up with friends last thing at night (male and female). I presume they've got their phones off/silent if they're in bed.

If the friendship is all above board why would I differentiate between married friends and single when deciding what time of day to text?

Offloading personal things/getting close etc

Within a friendship I don't regard sharing personal issues as offloading (which has a rather negative feel), but just a normal part of a friendship.
e.g. How are you?
I've had a tough week actually [insert events]
Why is that crossing a boundary if the person is married?

Combining offloading and getting close seems a bit strange; they are too different things.

Having been through this recently with a woman clearly and hugely crossing boundaries with my DH, don't be her

Its absolutely fine to have male friends, and who are in relationship/married but -

Don't Cross boundaries

For context with boundaries, I mean:

Texting daily, multiple messages
Texting first thing in morning and last thing at night
Sexual related chat or banter or comments
Disrespecting his wife totally
Sending photos of each other to each other
Offloading personal things/getting close etc

A chat now and then, when its none of the above is fine.

No, OP, you are not allowed to message, smile at, compliment or otherwise likely engage with anyone who is married.
They are fully committed to one and only human being they are tied to, never allowed to fancy anyone else and must be content in their situation.
Otherwise BS - do as you want to do.
😁

Chat to his wife, next time you’re at one of these meetings if you feel uncomfortable about that, then that’s your answer

I honestly don’t know. My DH has two female friends he’s known since school and they message in this way. But I’be also become friends with them and there’s no trust issue there at all. Weirdly I think I’d be more concerned if it was someone he’d just met like in your situation, but I don’t know why.

I think this depends on the boundaries in his relationship which you obviously don't know anything about and so therefore it is his responsibility to draw the line about what is acceptable or not not you aslong as your not flirting with him etc.

Was your DH regularly sending any one of them more in depth messages and memes though?

theres a big difference between occasional texts arranging play dates etc and regularly texting. Memes smacks of “o saw of this and thought of you” which personally I never send to any of my friends who are guys.

Why do you think the other mums are glaring at you?
That would be odd, for all of the women there to have suddenly taken against you.

I have done this with a male friend, again whilst the children were in a class together. Also took the children out together some holidays whilst partners were at work.
The key thing was that my dh know and his dw knew. Everyone knew about it and everyone was fine about it, We are also friends as individuals and as couples, and I'm very good friends with the wife, more so than him.

But at no point was it a secret.
And at no point did it reach the point of needing to ask 'would your wife be happy with this' or either of us needing to state that 'I'm not doing anything wrong.'

Is the chat frequent and instant? If so then it's not about the innocent topic you're talking about, you're fooling yourselves Constant contact and wouldn't be welcome by his DW., no matter the subject matter.
If you message, then he answers then no contact for a few days until hobby day that's fine. It's how I chat to DC's friends' parents.

I imagine many are the people that only answer the front door if they are expecting someone i.e quite strange (MH and ND aside obv).

I think most people would agree that texting/ calling someone married is isn’t inherently wrong, it depends on the content of the communication in question. I think the best way to answer this question is to put yourself in the wife’s shoes: would you be happy if your own husband were texting/ chatting with another women the way this guy is doing with you?

Removed double post

Judging by the number of posters who said they’d have an issue with even harmless communication I am not surprised at all that people wouldn’t tell their partners about it. What a horrible foundation for a relationship when there is no trust.

I have to say it’s daft that some people think that only single women are a threat. If their husband is that way inclined it could be a married woman he cheats with.

Indeed. When I became single I had more than a few 'taken' men try it on.
It opened my eyes to what fuckers some men can be.

Me: "Does your wife know you've asked me to go to the cinema with you?"
Fucker: "No, she doesn't understand me"

It always blows my mind on here how many people have issues with their partners having friends of the opposite sex. Provided there is good communication, trust, clear boundaries, and respect, then this should be fine. Men and women can absolutely be friends - the question is whether or not he’d be happy to show his wife the chat. If not, then there’s a problem.

I had something similar and I drew back as well because of hostility from my males friend girlfriend and in the end I kind of felt sad about it as a few years later he died by suicide. It’s something that plays on my mind occasionally, but I know i did the right thing and me being friends with him wouldn’t necessarily have changed how he died.

I have to say it’s daft that some people think that only single women are a threat. If their husband is that way inclined it could be a married woman he cheats with.

In my friends case, there was a girl in our social circle who was engaged that had a crush on him (she told me) and openly flirted with him but yet it was me who was singled out for jealousy by his girlfriend and I just saw him like a brother. We see it in here so often about peoples husband leaving them for a married woman or a married woman who is cheating.

Similarly if a woman is accepting of her partner having female friendships only based on how unattractive she feels said friends are, it’s daft because so often the OW is not necessarily any more conventionally pretty and also some women would be surprised at their husbands tastes. Eg, men who are with slim women and claim that’s their type and end up cheating with a plus sized woman

illicit urges 😂that made me chortle

yes cleaely talking about football and sending random gifs makes all womens' knickers spontaneously combust

If you're just talking about your DC, I don't see the problem. DS' BFF's dad is the main contact we have for their family as he's the one overseeing lift clubs and sleepovers and general arrangements. He's the one I bump into when I drop DS off or who picks up BFF here, and he's the one who turns up at school events so he's the one DH and I chat to. Our whatsapp chats are mostly around logistics with brief segues into the odd other thing that's vaguely related.

Personally, I think any relationship that develops too quickly into constant messaging is a problem - not just between men and women. I'd be a bit nervous if I got chatting to another mum and then suddenly was in a constant dialogue with her on whatsapp. Not because of sex, but it suggests someone who has problems with boundaries. Friendships develop and evolve over time. You don't go from not knowing someone at all to constant chit chat.

So in the case of DS' BFF's dad above, as we've only known each other for about a year as the boys are new to secondary school, this is fine. Maybe in 5 years time we'll all be best buddies, who knows. Seems unlikely to me, but you then one of my very good mum friends is someone who when I first met her I found a bit odd. I'd never have guessed how much time we'd subsequently spend together 5 years down the line!

A disturbing proportion of Mners think its Letting the Door Open to Illicit Urges. Or something.

I find it somewhere between hilarious and alarmingly reactionary. Especially when you consider what a high percentage of Mners self-describe as lonely and friendless, it's pretty weird that they are incapable of viewing the opposite sex in anything other than a sexual light. Men are just people, too.

The idea that you should keep text communication with a man to group chats is like some weird 21st-c version of chaperonage.