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Original poster

To feel sad about having to go back full time to work

31 replies

MLC2017 · 07/04/2024 23:09

So me and my DH have been together 13 years, married for almost 9 and we have a 6 year old who came home to us through adoption at 16 months. I currently work part time 22.5 hours, which I increased when my Dd started school from 18.5 hours. Since January I have picked up an additional temp contract making my work week 32.5 hours. This has just been extended until the end of May. I have the opportunity to step up come September to full time, there would be some flexibility to allow me to wfh after school pick ups etc. financially we are just about afloat without the additional hours I am doing but we have a large chunk of debt that we are trying to clear. We decided for this reason and the fact that we don’t have a huge support system and my DH also has football, additional commitments and work a fair distance from home that we wouldn’t be able to go through the process again to have another child as originally planned last year, something I’ve come to terms with. Now I have the opportunity to go full time, I feel very torn and sad about this. Financially we would benefit hugely from the opportunity, but I am largely responsible for the childcare around school, and the main bulk of the home, as well as responsible for finances and arranging all childcare and child activities when not at school. I feel worn out already with the extra ive been doing and I feel like I’m already being torn apart with guilt every time I miss something. My DH things I’d be silly not to go for the full time role, but I don’t think he’s getting the full implications, and only thinking about the financial aspect. I feel a little like I’m being cheated out of the opportunity to be at home with my DD for a little longer, but at the same time, the financial stress we have had in the last year is something I also dread going back to once the extra hours are gone. I’m also surrounded by a lovely group of friends who are amazing, but seem to manage much better, have nicer tidier houses, and work less, and I guess I feel sad that we don’t seem to be able to cope.

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Original poster
MLC2017 · 08/04/2024 18:55

Startingagainandagain · 08/04/2024 10:37

Can you see this as a temporary change only so that you can clear your debts? then you could back to working less hours (by the way 32.5 hours doesn't sound part time to me...).

There are always a lot of 'martyrs' on these threads who tell you they work 60 hours while raising several kids and always look immaculate...The reality of course for most of us is different.

If you think you can do it all and won't be able to cope with combining more hours with your other responsibilities then be honest with yourself and your partner. You might be able to find other ways to save.

Thanks, my current contract is 22.5 hours (hence part time) but I picked up an additional temporary role until May for an extra 10 hours a week. The new role would be a more permanent move to 37.5 hours a week, so not a huge amount more than what I’m doing now. I think I’d just had in my head that a few months of hard slog and I could drop back down. Although the extra ive earns has gone straight to clearing a debt, there have been things that we hadn’t anticipated that have eaten into how much of a debt I could make. As I’m sure everyone feels there’s always something else that either breaks and needs fixing/ replacing!

OP posts:
Original poster
MLC2017 · 08/04/2024 18:49

ThisTealZebra · 08/04/2024 09:52

You’re being an little entitled and lazy. Loads of people work, it’s life

Edited

I’m not sure id class myself as lazy! I do work, and have always worked. If I was not working and refusing despite financial stresses I may understand your comment

OP posts:
Original poster
MLC2017 · 08/04/2024 18:43

Bel43 · 07/04/2024 23:21

Have you worked out exactly how much you would benefit after tax/NI/any other income related deductions, commuting etc? How desperately do you need that difference? Is there anything you can cut down on? I went from 3 days a week to 2 days a week when everything was feeling a bit overwhelming and it made an enormous difference. The whole family would say was more than worth it and actually didn’t notice any difference financially (although it did reduce our childcare)

Still waiting on the exact salary atm, but based on my current salary at full time it would be a considerable increase.

OP posts:
Original poster
MLC2017 · 08/04/2024 18:42

Jf20 · 08/04/2024 07:43

Personally I’d work and not be in debt, your child is in school so can’t be missing much?

I think this is my concern, my current hours are during school and allow me to still work the odd assembly and activity in when needed, by picking up the extra permanently I guess I’m worried that I won’t have the opportunity to do some of this and miss out on some of this while she’s still young.

OP posts:
Original poster
MLC2017 · 08/04/2024 14:59

Thanks everyone! Just to address a couple of points, my husband referees so does financially benefit from football, although it is a bit of a win win for him as he enjoys it. We have spoken about him dropping some bits and helping more which he agrees to, I guess I’m just nervous that that won’t necessarily happen as he says, ( we have had a few conversations over the years). Finances isn’t the sole reason for us not adopting again, we both said we would like more but we didn’t want a big age gap between them and we know we weren’t ready yet. I appreciate all the comments of support, I’m aware I do need to suck it up a bit!

OP posts:
Rememberthereasonswhy · 08/04/2024 12:41

I think the point is that the costs have to be weighed up carefully as working ft ( in op’s case just a few more hours than she is already working) is sometimes not always a saving in every area of life.

Jf20 · 08/04/2024 12:22

WonderingWanda · 08/04/2024 09:44

I waited till mine were secondary age, after school and breakfast clubs cost loads round here and it didn't make any financial sense really. If you do go full time you will need to fight hard to redress the the home life balance, get your dh to take on a bigger share of cooking cleaning and childcare. Possibly even factor in the costs of a cleaner and more ready meals or hello fresh...this may help your dh realise that actually it makes no financial sense you going back full time yet.

If you feel this strongly about it and can afford any way to avoid doing it then I would. Of course people cope with ft but it is a hard slog with no family support around.

Are you really advising a woman in debt to bump the costs up so she can make a case not to work? They can do appropriate levels of chores each in the related free time they have, and should work together to clear the debt. Not start buying expensive meals and get a cleaner,so she doesn’t need to work more.

how manipulative and irresponsible.

Rememberthereasonswhy · 08/04/2024 12:04

WonderingWanda · 08/04/2024 09:44

I waited till mine were secondary age, after school and breakfast clubs cost loads round here and it didn't make any financial sense really. If you do go full time you will need to fight hard to redress the the home life balance, get your dh to take on a bigger share of cooking cleaning and childcare. Possibly even factor in the costs of a cleaner and more ready meals or hello fresh...this may help your dh realise that actually it makes no financial sense you going back full time yet.

If you feel this strongly about it and can afford any way to avoid doing it then I would. Of course people cope with ft but it is a hard slog with no family support around.

^^ This exactly! So many blokes only appreciate the things that go in to running a home smoothly for everyone when they are not happening anymore! Make sure that you point out all the things that will not be done when you go back to work ft op and make sure your dh knows that he will be picking up half of the slack.

Jf20 · 08/04/2024 11:52

Startingagainandagain · 08/04/2024 10:37

Can you see this as a temporary change only so that you can clear your debts? then you could back to working less hours (by the way 32.5 hours doesn't sound part time to me...).

There are always a lot of 'martyrs' on these threads who tell you they work 60 hours while raising several kids and always look immaculate...The reality of course for most of us is different.

If you think you can do it all and won't be able to cope with combining more hours with your other responsibilities then be honest with yourself and your partner. You might be able to find other ways to save.

Really? I’ve not seen one on this thread, did you not bother reading?

Startingagainandagain · 08/04/2024 10:37

Can you see this as a temporary change only so that you can clear your debts? then you could back to working less hours (by the way 32.5 hours doesn't sound part time to me...).

There are always a lot of 'martyrs' on these threads who tell you they work 60 hours while raising several kids and always look immaculate...The reality of course for most of us is different.

If you think you can do it all and won't be able to cope with combining more hours with your other responsibilities then be honest with yourself and your partner. You might be able to find other ways to save.

Quethemusic · 08/04/2024 10:30

Of course YANU to feel sad about it. There's a lot going on in the primary years and obviously you do miss a lot if you are working f/t, unless you have very flexible working. Then you still have a home to run. Looking back I'm very grateful that the col just a few short years ago was low enough for me to work p/t during those years. I did have a small sideline that brought in extra income. If you have any skills that could be an option instead of f/t work in one job. Personally though I think 32 hours is plenty when you're doing all the childcare and running of the home.

RedHelenB · 08/04/2024 10:28

Gensola · 08/04/2024 07:43

You’re not having a second child because your DH has FOOTBALL?! Is he Harry Kane? Because if not, you already have two children 🙄 what a selfish man

Growing up doesn't equal having kids. Dh stepping up to his responsibilities now is another discussion.

Hereyoume · 08/04/2024 10:05

Gladespade · 08/04/2024 08:21

Can you not read? She’s working 32.5 hours.

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And?

ThisTealZebra · 08/04/2024 09:57

KoolKookaburra · 08/04/2024 06:05

Your DH is going to have to give up football. He needs to pick up more housework

But he is working and earning most of the money - surely he should have a little reward.

if they both work full time maybe.

ThisTealZebra · 08/04/2024 09:52

You’re being an little entitled and lazy. Loads of people work, it’s life

WonderingWanda · 08/04/2024 09:44

I waited till mine were secondary age, after school and breakfast clubs cost loads round here and it didn't make any financial sense really. If you do go full time you will need to fight hard to redress the the home life balance, get your dh to take on a bigger share of cooking cleaning and childcare. Possibly even factor in the costs of a cleaner and more ready meals or hello fresh...this may help your dh realise that actually it makes no financial sense you going back full time yet.

If you feel this strongly about it and can afford any way to avoid doing it then I would. Of course people cope with ft but it is a hard slog with no family support around.

DGPP · 08/04/2024 08:26

If you have flexibility for school pick ups then it sounds like a great role to me. We both work FT with no family support and more children than you have. It’s not easy but can be done. Your DH does have to pull his weight though so that’s the first conversation I’d be having. But with that level of debt I’d work FT no issue

Gladespade · 08/04/2024 08:21

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Can you not read? She’s working 32.5 hours.

Hereyoume · 08/04/2024 08:17

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"If he was more successful in his job"

That goes both ways. If the OP was more successful and stepped up, earned more money, her DH could stay at home.

Uncooperativefingers · 08/04/2024 07:44

You can feel sad, but I think YWBU to not take the full time job. You have a "large chunk of debt" to clear. You need to make sure your DH picks up more stuff at home though

Jf20 · 08/04/2024 07:43

Personally I’d work and not be in debt, your child is in school so can’t be missing much?

Gensola · 08/04/2024 07:43

You’re not having a second child because your DH has FOOTBALL?! Is he Harry Kane? Because if not, you already have two children 🙄 what a selfish man

Meadowfinch · 08/04/2024 07:40

Not unreasonable to feel sad, but it sounds like it is necessary. Personally, I hate being in debt and would go back just to clear that.

Also as a single mum I do everything anyway. Work full time, pay mortgage, care for ds full time, and have done since ds was two. It's not that difficult. You'll get very good at planning and booking things like holiday clubs as soon as reservations open.

One suggestion, you will feel much less tired if you can improve your fitness now. Try going for a run a couple of days a week or building up time at a gym. It really does help.

Bumpitybumper · 08/04/2024 07:31

I can't believe anyone has voted that YABU. Of course you are allowed to feel sad that you have to work FT for financial reasons and lose out on time with your DC. It may be a financial necessity and something you have to do, but that doesn't mean you have to be happy about it. This world has become so obsessed with money that people are beginning to lose empathy for people that want to do very basic things like spend more time with loved ones.

I agree with other posters that your DH will have to step up more. Either he needs to look into opportunities to increase his earnings so you can continue to use the hours you're not working to focus on your child and the house OR he must start doing his share of childcare and domestic work.

Mimrr · 08/04/2024 07:22

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She already works nearly full time at 32.5 hours and does the bulk of the child rearing and drudge work while he gets to enjoy non work hobbies by the sound of it.
I think your comment doesn’t apply to this situation. Yes sounds like they need her to work full time for financial reasons but that means he will have to do 50% of everything else. Or she’s a ‘walking servant’ or whatever else fits your strange analogy.