Should I have been a bridesmaid?

She sounds like a bridezilla 😆😆😆😆, I think you should be starting to feel relieved you weren't asked anytime now😆

Yanbu to feel hurt by her choice but I wouldn't let it ruin your friendship, there could be a whole host of reasons why she chose others.
My lifelong best friend didn't choose me as a bridesmaid, I didn't even go to her wedding, she had a small private wedding guests and invited 2 other friends instead but at the time we had drifted apart and hadn't seen each other for a few years as she was travelling and I was settled with a house and partner. I invited her to my wedding evening party but not the main day, it was just where we were at the time, funny enough she then bought a house in the same street as me and had a family and we then spent many years being incredibly close and even holidayed together. She was my closet alley during my divorce and subsequent depression.. the bridesmaid I did have I'm no longer in contact with. friendships change over time,

Sorry OP, it sounds like she just isn't that into you !
Don't bring it up with her and see where the friendship goes naturally.

I certainly would not be going on a foreign hen do spending all that money and I think it will leave you even more hurt,honestly I would be really thinking about the expenses of the wedding itself, make some excuse and go on a nice holiday, send your best wishes though

Of course your feelings are valid, but I can honestly say, hand on heart, that this would not have bothered me. I hope you will still support her on her big day.

Her feelings are very reasonable.

Friendships change over time. I got married nearly 10 years ago and had 5 bridesmaids, if I was picking today then I probably would only have three (or if I had 5 it wouldn’t necessarily be the same 5). I’ve been a bridesmaid for two of mine, one eloped but I wouldn’t have expected to have been picked if she did have a traditional wedding. The other I reckon would just have family bridesmaids (and if she had non-family I wouldn’t expect to be picked at this stage in our lives).

No big fallouts, nothing dramatic, I don’t think any less of the bridesmaids I may not pick now but our circumstances have changed. We now live a good few hours away from each other, a couple have kids which has made meeting up more challenging. We still have a great friendship when we do manage to meet up/chat and it feel like old times but we’re just not the same people we were 10 years ago when we were fresh out of uni. It’s a shame but I’ve also made some new, wonderful friends due to change in jobs, life circumstances etc that bought us into each others orbit. If things stayed the same forever maybe I wouldn’t be as close with them and that would also be a real shame.

I think it’s natural to be a bit upset as I think this is a really common experience once you get to your later 20s/30s and beyond that often isn’t talked about. Friendships in the media are often framed as your childhood or young adult friends are your friends forever friends when for many of us that sadly isn’t the case. You never know what will happen in the future though (I’ve recently got back in touch with somebody I was good friends with at school but then we lost contact, we’re now back in vaguely the same area, at a similar stage in life and it’s been lovely getting to know her again!).

Basically, I’d try not to take it personally. It’s likely nothing you or her has done but one of those timing questions in life. Chances are she may well feel awkward about it herself and doesn’t know quite how to navigate the situation. People are clumsy and don’t always get things right. By posting on mumsnet you’re no doubt going to get a load of bridezilla comments as nothing upsets posters on here like a wedding, try not to let them influence you too much - you know your friend better than anyone on here.

It's about her, not you. Maybe she realises you won't have time to play a full role? She could be a bridezilla - maybe you dodged a bullet. Three different hen events including a week abroad, expensive activities, the other hens paying for the bride? It's not unusual nowadays. No thanks.

Are you sure she doesn't have some sort of role in mind for you? Doing a reading or something? Just seems weird that she didn't talk to you like she did your mutual friend

This is a great post, and just about sums it up. I have lots of long standing friends and none of those relationships have been the same throughout, they all ebb and flow. In one instance, a really good friend and I didn’t see each other or have any other direct contact for 20 years - nothing acrimonious, just life, taking different paths. We randomly reconnected and are now as close as we were 20 years previously.

Eugh 4 is quite a few. From my own experience it makes you feel like you didn't make the cut and wonder how far down the list were you. Its a shame as I think this sort of thing makes people less close. Its awkward as fuck knowing she was one of the special people you chose but it wasn't reciprocated.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to feel hurt at all. If I consider my similar sounding friendships and in particular my 3 friends who were bridesmaids at my wedding I would feel the same.

Yes it's her choice of course but I would have expected some sort of acknowledgment from her as to why you aren't a bridesmaid as you had spoken about in the past. As you say, I wouldn't bring it up with her either but a drink / call just the two of you to say 'I know we spoke about it but this is why I can't / have chosen not to' would have been nice. I know people get so wrapped up in their own weddings but they don't (shouldn't) lose all sense of empathy in the process.

So I would feel the same as you. Sad and confused but still being happy for her and wanting to maintain your friendship.

I don't know what the answer is other than to just get through it/ smile and wave.

I would also (if you can face it and her future friendship is important to you) suggest you go for a lunch/ night out/ dinner together over the next few months with no one else there to reconnect your friendship. It might come out that night.

I'm not suggesting this as a reason to get your answer. You may not get one but at the very least hopefully you will have a good night / reconnect if that is what's needed.

I remember being jealous of the girl down the street when I was 7 because she was asked to be a bridesmaid at a wedding of people I did not know and she was 13 and therefore unbelievably grown up and glamorous in a fancy dress.

You can be a great friend without wearing a dress for one day. It’s a strange measure of a friendship in my eyes. I have a few close friends whose weddings I was not invited to and I don’t mind at all. I have even more close friends who are not married and have no intention of becoming so, and we all fulfill important support roles in each other’s lives without any need for titles or hierarchies or performative roles that mean nothing in day to day life. In traditional weddings men don’t have to pick out their friends in this kind of favouritism. Bridesmaids are young single childless girls or very young women or none of the traditions make any sense.

The fact I’m not a bridesmaid has brought this shift in our friendship to light that I was previously unaware of and I would just like to know why and if it’s something I need to change

As I'm sitting here right now I'm very close to losing a dear friend of 30+ years. Not to an argument but to that cruel bastard cancer. I can not imagine a world without her, but here we are.

But honestly our friendship had highs and lows; out lives took very different paths. Sometimes there was more effort on her part and sometimes it was on mine. But I will be forever grateful for the bond we maintained and consider it one of the great privileges of my life that she never gave up on our friendship.

I guess my point is that sometimes you have to play the long game in relationships. You are hurt but that doesn't mean you two won't be close again. Sometimes extending a little grace to someone is the right thing to do. And she may return the favor somewhere down the road

As far as I know bridesmaids should be unmarried and chief bridesmaid could be married .

This is a shame. Traditionally bridesmaids were just that, unmarried, no children. Maids. Primarily because they had no responsibilities. No children. No partners. They could be there for just the bride.

I would not necessarily rethink a friendship. But I probably would rethink the effort I put in.

I really dread this happening to me ans rhe rejection i would feel. It kind of did happen to me once, but I know she was closer to the people she had chosen.

How many bridrsmaids has she chosen? And did she acknowledge you wouldn't be one to your face? 😒

Traditionally I believe bridesmaids weren't married, maybe it's as simple as that? She's assumed you know that and therefore wouldn't have been expecting you'd be a bridesmaid.
I have to say the time I was BM for my sister it was quite a lot of work! Maybe she assumed you wouldn't have time.

The same friend who didn't have any of our close friendship group from uni (4 of us) as bridesmaid also made me cry when she posted that she was going to visit her best friend in X a number of years ago. One of our foursome had long fallen by the wayside but I thought the three of us were tight after 40 years.

I have just had to accept that both of my friends still love and care for me, but they are closer to each other than they are to me. I introduced them to each other....