To throw DD's things in the bin!

What exactly do you think throwing her stuff away will achieve apart from making you feel like you have won. And doing it while she is at work is a bit shitty.

Is she neurodivergent? Suffering with poor mental health or stress?

Bin bags isn’t the solution and is pretty traumatic tbh. Does she even know how to clean, have you ever taught her? In the time it took you to put her stuff in bin bags you could have tidied her room. She won’t still be doing this when she’s 25, it is just a phase because I daresay right now is a very stressful time for her.

I know there’s a train of thought - their room/their mess/let them on with it but my view is - my house which myself and DH paid for, you have a lovely bedroom to yourself, a warm comfortable home, a loving family - have respect and keep your room tidy. Not immaculate but certainly not a total mess.

It’s something I’ve always insisted on with my teenagers. Laundry in laundry basket. No meals eaten in bedroom. Any cups and glasses brought downstairs daily. Rubbish in bin, not on floor, etc.

We might have had the occasional battle about room tidiness but it hasn’t affected our relationship or emotional scarred them.

Put her stuff back op. Taking your things is unacceptable, but there was was no need for you to join in.

You need to put a lockable door knob on your bedroom door OP. It'll stop her helping herself.

As for her room, you do need to just shut the door on it all.

All mine have gone through this stage as teens. Those with own homes now are extremely clean/tidy

Those still at home are more mindful

All of them look back fondly on the times I've gone in with bin bags. We laugh about it now.

Conversation + plan needed. I was a bit like this but not to this fairly extreme extent (ND). My mum didn’t really consider storage solutions.

1. How can we improve this untenable situation (together)? Throw a limited amount of money at it. I’ve just bough AuDHD DS1 a 5x5 Kallax and his room has been spotless ever since. Maybe a feature wall as well?
2. Could you have a ‘joint spruce’ once a week followed by a treat e.g. Starbucks?

She's studying for her GCSEs and working a part time job. She sounds like an okay kid to me. Perhaps offer to help her tidy up her room? Throwing her stuff away will drive a wedge between you.

As a one off I would gut it for her.... get through the GCSES.... this is not the time to piss her off

Make it nice but keep minimal

Then speak to her and layout expectations. Once exams are over and it's a mess again then lay in to her

’Why don’t my adult DC ever visit’

I think you need to figure out what is going on with your daughter. Maybe she’s just a slob but probably not. My mum would hit the roof over my room when I was the same age. It wasn’t anywhere near as bad but I was depressed and so tidying my room was the last thing on my mind and was basically an impossible task. My dad used to tell her to just shut the door on the mess and I was so grateful to him for that. If there’s stuff that can cause a health issue then by all means clear it away but I think you need to figure out why she doesn’t care about herself enough to look after her space.

She’s doing her GCSEs. She’s going to be really stressed out at the moment. She’s also still holding down a part time job alongside that. Sounds like a great 16 year old. I know my house gets messy when I’ve had a particularly busy week at work. You are holding her to unfair standards and I really feel sorry for her. Why don’t you have a conversation with her? Take her for a Starbucks when she’s finished school one night, and gently but firmly bring it up then that you are feeling exasperated by how messy her room is and say it cannot continue. Treat her like an adult. That would be my advice. It will go a long way.

Exactly this. I still remember my mum doing this when I was 15 and I was broadly tidy. I just hadn't tidied at the precise time she said. It was an immature reaction on her part.

You'd be much better off talking with your DD.

What a dirty little toad!

you did the right thing!

In the future (my tip) is to pick EVERYTHING up off the floor, get the brush and get everything from under the bed and Dump it all on the bed. Then clean and hoover around it.

confiscate phone/ipad

return it only when the room has been tidied.

rinse.repeat

YABVU. Way to ruin your relationship with your daughter. This kind of thing will stay with her forever. I would be rushing to put it all back right now if I were you. You are the adult, and she needs your support.

I'd be furious too, I'd also be worried about the lack of self care going on.

There is a fine line though between having rules you expect her to stick so and the consequences of breaking them. They should be proportional.

Is there a rule/consequence about her room?