To throw DD's things in the bin!

That's not true though and someone always says that on these sort of threads.

Honestly, having lived in enough shared houses, it's clear that the slob adults were slob teens whose parents pandered to them and let them live in filth for fear of hurting their feelings.

Hopefully OP's daughter won't be yet another adult-child who cannot pick up after themselves and expects everyone around them to do it for them.

No because that would have got me a smack in the head, and I haven't forgiven her for the physical abuse either.

I think there are three separate issues here.

One is the “sanitary” clutter, like papers. The second is the unsanitary stuff, like food which can attract insects, and broken glass. The third issue is stealing your things.

Unsanitary stuff needs to be gone ASAP, for the wellbeing of both your daughter and the rest of the family. Go ahead and take back everything she’s taken from you. The “sanitary” clutter is trickier, especially if she paid for it (Shein and such) with her own money.

i have ADHD, and although I never left bloodstained underwear lying around, I had huge amounts of clutter and dirty dishes in my room as a teenager. ADHD or not, keeping things organized is a life skill that everyone needs to learn.

I’d give her a set period of time - probably two weeks minimum - to get the non-rubbish organized. Anything that doesn’t get put away leaves the house after that time period, and if she doesn’t want it to leave in a rubbish bin, she’s in charge of making other arrangements. Food in her room and stealing stuff result in consequences from now on.

I think you are getting a hard time here, i agree with you. A few clothes on the floor, a few cups fine, but leaving bloody stained knickers around the room is horrible and dirty, and broken glass is a hazard! I don't think you are being unreasonable, you are at the end of your tether and rightly so.

There is a clear lack of respect for you, taking your possesions without asking, ruining your makeup, using all of your perfume, taking laces out of your trainers etc. She's 16, she knows what is right and wrong. You've tried the gentle approach and asked her many times, talked about and it's not worked. I don't blame you , she needs to learn a lesson. I wouldn't throw it away yet, give her the opportunity to sort though it and clean her room , otherwise it goes in the bin.

I don't think YABU for feeling angry, upset and disrespected. But could you have taken a different stance? Chucked all dark clothes into one bag, lights into another. Give the room a quick spruce and change bedding. So when she arrived home you could have a calm chat along the lines of. I know you're stressed with upcoming exams. Thought I'd give you a nice place to study. Can we keep things tidy? 5 minutes a day alarm for a tidying blitz of the room and... your washings sorted in bags ready for you to stick in wash.

Maybe then calmly advise her that you'd noticed several of what you believe yo be your possessions broken, used up etc and it would be nice if she could replace those at somepoint in the near future.

Honestly. Ignoring the situation won't help her in the long run, surely she doesn't invite friends over?

You sound like you've been pretty tolerant so far.

I wouldn't throw it away. But I would tell her what youve done, tell her to clean what is in there and then give her one bin bag back at a time that she can sort through and put away until her room is clean. I would offer to help her do it.

...but had you been stealing your mum's things?

This is unusually bad. Any chance there's a reason? I doubt she wants to live like this. Is it possible she's not actually able to get her act together?

Personally, I'd leave the shit hitting the fan until after her exams. Nothing has worked so far. Getting angry won't help either. It'll just cause a lot of drama at a time when calm is needed.

This is nothing to do with domestic goddesses. That's ridiculous, it's about respect for a house that is not hers yet. When she owns a property herself she can live with bloody knickers and broken glass.
And the same would be said to any "strapping young man" too.🙄

My mum knew I was under a lot of stress during exams and she would say to me, you go relax , im going to clean your room, she would change sheets, do all washing , set everything up for me and I would then sit and study ...

What im saying is that, that allowed me to get my As.

I wasn't good at tidying but as I grew up I got better.

I wouldn’t throw her belongings out, but I would tell her they are confiscated until she can prove she doesnt live like a slob. A messy bedroom is one thing, but broken glass and stained knickers is another. Thats unhygienic and dangerous.

Sounds like she just lets it build up then can't deal with the sheer mess, but ultimately, she can't carry on like that. Nicking and using /ruining your stuff is appalling. She has zero respect. OP hasn't mentioned nd, so are we assume she isn't? She can't carry on destroying glasses etc. Immediate ban on anything such as crockery and glasses going upstairs. I certainly wasn't allowed to take food up. She can have a water bottle.

She needs to go through the bin bags. You need a lock on your door, OP, although that's extreme. Try taking her nice trainers /make-up etc. It isn't hers to take.

As an aside, does she not care about the child labour/Shein thing?

These threads make my teeth itch. There is something about a load of women getting hyper about a teenage girl not being ‘neat and tidy’ enough. God the collective angst 🙄 - no wonder women are still in a domestic dark ages… yes broken glass, plates and mouldy food is one thing - give her a good old fashioned bollocking like you would a strapping son and tell her the wifi goes off until she bloody well brings them down and puts them in the appropriate places. But otherwise let her space be her space. Plenty of years to be the perfect Stepford Wife yet…

I feel you op I'm having exactly the same issue with my dd17.
Last week I went in there removed all the rubbish and plates etc. sorted her clothes so I could wash them all has had no idea what was clean or dirty not did she.

Guess what a week later the room is a pig sty yet again. All the clothes I washed are all over the floor and not in the wardrobe.

I've tried lots of things over the past few years but nothing makes her want to tidy up her room. Banned friends coming, took away privileges etc

Other neurodiversities are also avaliable.

I retrieved everything that was mine andthen proceeded to get a load of bin bags and throw everything that was broken, dirty, clearly not given a shit about in bin bags.
There are 5 full bags which are waiting to be put out for rubbish.

That's not her 'possessions' Unless you think she wants the bloody knickers, dried up make up and broken glass back

My 12yr old's bedroom is a lot like you describe (no broken glass I hope) and she is always very reluctant to tidy it. I've showed her how to do it, done it for her on occasions, helped her to do it etc. She always reverts back to the same messiness very quickly, wich ends up spilling out of her room and onto the landing, into the bathroom, trailing down the stairs etc. She wont close her door so that the rest of us don't have to look at it because she's too scared of being "alone". So now I give her a week to get it done bit by bit herself or I will be going in there with the black bin bags and doing it myself. She's at an age now where she doesn't want me in her room touching her stuff (although she too is perfectly happy to help herself to anything of mine she fancies without asking!) and she'll eventually get it done herself as she knows I'm serious about doing it myself while she's at school as I've done it before when she continued to ignore my requests past the deadline.

It might be her room but having it in that kind of state is no good for her or anyone else in this house, when she's running late for the school bus because she can't find her tie or left shoe, when she can't find her favourite top or toy we are the ones who get screamed at/blamed and I'm, not having it!

Since when is being a slob and a thief a sign of autism?

I have autism, btw, an ‘official’ diagnosis.

My mum did exactly what OP has done when I was young and it has had absolutely no impact on our fantastic relationship. It did make me start having a bit of respect though.

And bloody knickers?

What's the excuse for taking the OP's things and ruining them?

If your room was like that, it was in no way 'broadly tidy'

If it wasn't then it's not the same situation

Support?

If she got it back it would be because I tipped it all over the floor!

Don't tell me she doesn't know exactly what she's been doing