To throw DD's things in the bin!

'Bin bags are traumatic'

'In the time it took you to collect the things you could have tried it for her's

FOR HER!!! Her mess and mum has to tidy. I feel like this thread is a parallel planet of shit parenting advice for entitled kids. No wonder young adults can't cope with the expectations work/uni place on them if they aren't expected to clean up after themselves.

I have a ds like this. I was messy as a teen, but fuck me, he's something else. He's nd and I suspect I can see where it comes from, but it's not a get out of jail free card; he will, presumably have housemates one day.

We also work fucking hard to pay for the house he enjoys living in, so my argument is that he can at least put banana skins in the bin and not shove unwanted food behind his bed. He also destroys things and leaves the detritus.

I have tried being kind. I have shown him his to tidy up. I have provided storage solutions. I have literally stood in his room and told him what to do, one step at a time. He once spent a whole day in there, when he could have tidied it in 10 minutes. I'd confiscated his phone already.

I get the overwhelm; I get the paralysis, but there is also a part of him that cba and I'll be dammed if I'm spending what little free time I've got tidying his room. I can cope with the mess, to an extent, but it's when clean clothes I have just washed and sorted end up in the pile with food crumbs and rotting fruit that I lose my shit; the room gets sorted and we re set. He will hoover, when directed, but I've caught him sitting there, with the hoover just suckibg air and burning electricity.

meh. did you read the description?
if you think this is a whine about a few things not being put away rather than bloody (literaly) knickers, filth, and broken glass all over the place (plus she's ruined some of OPs things) then your reading comprehension needs brushing up pronto.

I totally understand your frustration, but try to keep things calm until after her GCSEs. I tutor year 11s, they're all cracking under pressure right now. Also, when you do address it, try to do it in a non confrontational way as much as possible. If you go on the attack she'll go on the defence and you'll get nowhere. Sit next to her and discuss it as a joint project of how you will improve the situation together.

What does ‘being a girl’ have to do with it?!

It’s funny, generations of 16 year olds have gone through all the same stresses. Often including much worse -world wars, general strikes and serious poverty. Never mind the generations of 16 year olds who were out working full time jobs and potentially living completely independently. They mostly seem to have been able to manage some basic self respect and respect for their belongings and home.
Why do we have such low expectations of our kids nowadays?

Wtaf?! Scared to parent your child. Unbelievable

I have a gross teenage boy so you have my sympathies.

If I was feeling generous I'd help her to sort it out. I don't mean doing it for her but assisting with decluttering and giving the room a deep clean.

Maybe you shouldn't have to but it's what I'd do.

What's with the name calling?

You must be joking. Support for what?? Being a filthy, dirty pig??
She's doing GCSE's, means her brains, hands and sense of cleanliness have left ?
Give her an ultimatum to get it cleaned or you are cleaning and throwing everything.

Jeez this place sometimes. Assuming that MH issues are the problem when OP's daughter is a lazy little dirty toad!

Seriously a 16yr old needs to be taught how to put their clothes away, trash in bin, cups etc in the dishwasher!

OP ive done this a few times with my boys, tbf it wasnt as bad as youve described, but it worked. And if they dont put their clean clothes away, i dont do any washing until its put away.

These are lifelong issues they have to dealt with and doing it for them all time is not the solution - in fact it just makes them lazier!

Good luck and let us know what happens, fingers crossed its the shock she needs.

YANBU.

A 16 year old “child” is also a 16 year old young adult that can legally go out to work and make a baby. They are also old enough to understand the difference between untidy and a health hazard.

There is a difference between her room looking like a jumble sale and walking through broken glass and mouldy food. The first is a clatty little beggar and I would let it slide. The second, broken glass, mouldy food items etc is disgusting, dangerous, unhealthy and attracts vermin.

You say you have thrown away BROKEN
and UNUSABLE items. If this is all you have thrown away then I wouldn’t feel bad. As for your own stuff, I would be locking it up and charging her for anything that is damaged.

16 year olds all want to be treated like adults, they need to behave like adults. Parents need to forgive, forget and make allowances now and again but not be walked all over and treated like dirt.

Or....
How has she time to have a spotless room when she's studying for GCSEs AND working part time?

Jesus wept. But we'll done on adding to her stress. Am sure the time spent sorting out those binbags will be time well spent. Until you're on here in a few months whining she didn't spend every spare hour revising and for some reason seems to resent you and barely tells you anything.

If she wants something back, she can go through the 5 black sacks and take the item out but bloody knickers, that’s grim. I would put my foot down about the personal stuff that she’s wrecked - they should be replaced like for like. Until she gets the cost of things she’ll never understand the value of anything.

Remain calm when she finds out.

You have my sympathy OP. My DD is 15. Her room can get quite messy. Cotton pads that’s she’s removed make up with and towels covered in fake tan are my favourite things. Unless she has a cold - then it’s snotty tissues 😭. She has to tidy it the day before the cleaners come in or they don’t clean it and - conversely - she quite likes it being all tidy. Her washing doesn’t get done if she doesn’t put in the basket and put it away afterwards.

I would be raging too. As long as you’ve not thrown anything away I think you’re all good. She can have each bag back when she’s sorted the previous? And next time you can’t see the floor the bags come back out?

I read something on here a while back about introducing big baskets into teen rooms. One for dirty clothes and one for stuff that you’ll put away later. So that things at least look manageable. And no crockery in bedroom. As for your stuff - you shouldn’t have to put a lock on your door. Does she get an allowance? If so then I wouldn’t pay it whilst she’s taking your stuff?

I was a gross teenager, my parents told me to clean and tidy but never told me how. It all just built up and up until I didn’t even know where to start. My sister was very kind and helped me be ruthless in getting rid of stuff, decorating and cleaning the room. I was so much better with a fresh start and now my house is the cleanest of everyone I know (sometimes a bit messy though). The broken glass is definitely a step too far though.

Personally I would ignore until after exams then do a massive blitz over the course of a few weeks, help her choose a new rug, new bed sheets and things she will be proud of and want to take care of. When it gets to the point where you don’t give a shit it can be hard to come back from without a fresh start and then you can really see how gross you were

I have heard putting little piles of black rice around the room pretending there are mice/rats can be motivating for cleaning.

It does sound pretty bad but I don’t think you should have put anything that isn’t broken into bin bags. This is exactly the kinda thing my mum did. She would bin my things. Pull all my drawers n wardrobe out onto the floor, go thru all my personal stuff. I can so clearly remember just sitting in amongst all the mess with all the shit she had then pulled out on top of it just sitting crying overwhelmed by it and also getting shouted at for whatever she had found thst didn’t please her like little notes of teenage chat me n my friends would write each other. I literally had no privacy. Maybe ur daughter feels this way ?

What utter bollox. She needs to learn about being tidy, self care, hygiene.
Wushu washy platitudes mean absolutely nothing and gains nothing.

I must be living in a parallel universe.... bedroom strewn with dirty clothes blood stained pants, broken glass and other detritus and most people are saying it's fine and understandable due to her working and studying for her GCSE's and she sounds like a great kid...
I'm always hearing 'raise your bar/standards' on here. I suppose 16 year old are exempt then. This disrespectful behaviour is bloody rank. Pretty sure the OP has much more on her plate than to clean up after her skanky daughter.
If you all think this is acceptable I hate to think what sort of homes you live in.

I don’t support smacking but I would hit the room if my boys took DH’s or each others’ stuff.

Is this a widespread issue? I would never have dared just go and take my DM’s perfume or makeup.

So, if she wants to have a “relationship” with her daughter she has to allow her walk all over her, use her things and destroy them, damage the house and the things in it and make no effort to live like a semi-responsible human being?

Unbelievable!

Interesting, my ADHD sister was like this. Her flat is cleaning but cluttered now.
I am ADHD and lean towards being clean and tidy or I can't relax
DD is ADHD and can be a right messy monster. I draw the line at food items and we have an amnesty box where she and DS put their stuff and return to dishwasher weekly, no questions asked. Start with this. Then she needs to learn how to sort her own washing. My DS is 15 and washes and dries his own clothes! I still do his school shirts with the whites but other than that he's learned the "easy care 40 and washing pods" thing isn't too hard.

Stealing my things I'd definitely tackle first. If she's got £ to spend at Shein, she needs to replace your things she's nicked, otherwise then you will go through her room like you did when she was 7, and tidy it.

Give her the chance, try to educate and set deadlines, with consequences if they're not met. Yes it's her own space but unsanitary living is a step too far

I didn't know how to keep things tidy when I was a teen, no one taught me and I have a neurodiversity that makes organising really hard. My parents definitely didn't pander to it. They punished me by throwing things at me, hitting me, dragging me downstairs by my hair, told me i was worthless, none of which helped me learn to keep space clean.

I got A's and A*s at GCSE. I still had to pull my weight and keep my stuff clean, tidy and not be a slob.