To throw DD's things in the bin!

This thread makes me really appreciate my parents. I struggled in so many ways as teen, but I knew I was never judged. I wasn’t always easy, but I never felt ‘less than’ or shamed.

It's her room she is responsible for that mess.

However ..... she shouldn't be taking crockery and your items into her room.

I'd go for locking her out of the places she takes things from and leaves things lying around and broken from.

Have a cupboard she can access plastic plates and cups from in the kitchen (lick breakable stiff away) and she will need to wash them up to use them again.

Teenagers tend to learn when they can't do as they please rather than being told to do the opposite of what they want!

This is lovely of your dad. And so true. Self-esteem, neurodivergence. It’s not normal to be this much of a mess - it’s a symptom

Same here but by my dad. I must have been about 6 and my brother 4 if not younger. We shared a room and I remember things being thrown out of the room and smashing. Lots of shouting, swearing and banging. My eldest isn't far off the age I was at this time. It's a hard circle to get out from and not repeat. My daughter was struggling with the layout of her room and tidying, I've decorated it this week and given her much more storage. I'm hoping that'll help but I know I'll need to help her with maintaining some sort of tidiness. However if she were 16 like OP and there was a health hazard there I'd probably be much harder verbally.

If the dog had cut its foot on the broken glass who would be responsible for the vet bill? The bedroom sounds like a H&S hazard and way beyond acceptable general messiness.

Doing a few exams is not an excuse for living like a slob. And it does not really take much time and effort to keep one room tidy.

Being very, very messy is one thing. Choosing to live in squalor is quite another and I’d assume she’s either struggling emotionally somehow or she’s just bone idle lazy. My DM was always on my back as a teenager to keep my room clean and today, and would say I can live like a pig if I want to when I move out. She gave me basic standards to live by, and your DD should at the very least keep the room clean even if it does look like a tornado has ripped through it.

When I flatshared in the past I lived with three different women who lived in absolute squalor in their bedrooms. For two of those I had to enter their bedrooms when there was a gas leak emergency (different flats/times) and I seriously felt physically sick, one of those rooms I put my trainers in the washing machine afterwards as the floor was so disgustingly filthy. The gas men on both those occasions said such a state is more common than you think.

Slightly off point but I work with grown adults like this! They do not tidy up after themselves or look after anything.

The point I would like to make is when rodents and pests start to infest your home the impact will be wider than DD's bedroom. The whole family/household will suffer and the financial costs will be yours.

I understand your frustration - I too have thrown things in the bin and don't regret it.

A future decent human being who will hopefully not grow to resent or fear me.

Never said it’s acceptable to live in a mess - there are ways and means and throwing a child’s belongings into a bin bag is inappropriate no matter what.

HTH.

Seriously? What kind of parent are you? Let me guess- the ‘do what you want/ disrespect others belongings/ the space you occupy in MY home / basic human expectations of reasonable behaviour ‘ kind? Are you raising a future decent human being or an entitled selfish arrogant one? My mum (god rest her) told me if my kids don’t resent my rules at least once then I’m an ineffectual parent- OP I have 100% sympathy for you. You ANBU- stand your ground x

Hi, I'm a ND person and recognise some me of what's going on here. I don't know if this young person is ND, but if anyone is reading this and has ND family members who find cleaning and tidying excruciating, do check out a brilliant app called Dubbii. It takes you through how to do things around the house, breaking them down step by step to make them less overwhelming. People get into messes very often because of overwhelm and other executive dysfunction issues. Shaming someone who is struggling with keeping things tidy and orderly is ineffective and causes pain all round. There are ways to help someone who is struggling, firmly but kindly.

Now is not the time, wait until she has finished her exams and then tell her that she does not take your things and the room stays clean., if not there will be no more money, lifts or favours from you and if you find clean clothes that you have laundered thrown on the floor it will be the last time you do her washing. She is old enough to keep her room clean and old enough to understand you do not take without asking.. Tell her and mean it.

Dd 16 is the same. I clean and tidy her room for her. She struggles with mental health (anxiety asd referral) and it’s just one thing I can do to help her. I’m also v messy, so she knows there’s no judgement from me. She was a bit resistant when I first started a couple of years ago (shame/embarrassment) but now is grateful and thanks me. I can’t always help her with all the stuff going on in her life, but I can fold her favourite pjs up on her clean made bed for when she gets back from school.

OP I feel your pain. It was so much easier when the kids were little and I could keep things clean, tidy, organised and be in control. Now, all 3 of them (teenagers) are so messy. I've tried every which way......support, bribery, cajoling, helping, guiding, short bursts (3 minutes?).

I am not houseproud, but like yourself with rotting food, used sanitary wear etc it just drives me round the twist.
Sometimes, I'll go in and try to help tidy, clean, disinfect and I'll put stuff on their bed so they can put it away.
My youngest is so belligerent and defiant she will just sleep on the floor.
Then, I'll go in the next day and not only is the bed piled high, but there's a whole load of new shite scattered around the floor, on the sides. All sorts of random and unnecessary mess.

Nowadays, I will give so many warnings and then I'll just bin stuff.
I keep telling my youngest that I need to be able to open her door and walk in to her bedroom so I can put clothes away, and she needs to be able to get out on case of fire/emergency. She doesn't listen. So now her clothes are in quarantine and I hand out clothes as she needs them.

I love how people think that because the child lives in a cesspit that the OP hasn't taught her how to tidy up.

I did this last year in my daughter's room, everything that was on the floor or dumped I bagged up and put into the garage. Then over a few weeks we went through her wardrobe, all the bags and cleared out which left a tidy and organised space.
I did similar to my sd when I saw the state of her after she'd gone back to her mums.
And today again my daughters floor was a mess so I bagged it all up and put it on her bed for her to sort, which she has

I was bin bagged by my mother, at an even younger age. I'll never forget it, and it was traumatic.

It's definitely not a solution to this problem.

The day of the Grenfell fire, we had one of our students who lived there come into school. She sat her Physics exam, I think it was and passed with a really good grade.

In another school, a young asylum seeker lad, living in a hostel for the homeless, had snow coming into his room from a hole in the ceiling. had seen his mother hacked to pieces in front of him before coming to the UK. He had no shoes for prom, I organised them for him. He did well in his GCSEs.

Again, OP has not mentioned any nd issues. We are doing (some people, obviously not all) our young people a huge disservice by patting them metaphorically on the head, saying ‘There, there, carry on, you have GCSEs to sit’. I’m not suggesting sanctions, I’m suggesting we need them to face reality, clean up when requested (how dare she get her room into this state?!) and stop stealing her mum’s stuff.

I believe they may be traumatic for some people - kids who have been in care perhaps for example. The OPs kid does not come in that group. Suggesting a NT child in a loving home will be traumatised by a bin bag maybe a bit of a stretch.

There comes a point where it is actually just dirty.
Are you suggesting that OP enables her daughter to live in a fucking pigsty by cleaning up after her? Your having a laugh.

Not now come down like a ton of bricks after her GCSEs. If you screw up her exams you will regret it and if she thinks/says you screwed up her exams even if you didn't it could poison your relationship forever. Right idea wrong timing.

Can’t believe all the genuinely nasty messages on here, just wow. Why are you calling someone else’s daughter names? Scoffing at the fact I said bin bags are traumatic, they are. End of.

Just ask her to tidy it up herself. I wouldn't do it for her. I have a 16yo and he has to tidy up his own washing. I don't pick up after him as I have other younger children to look after.

And yet if MN is to believed so many on here pay a cleaner to clean up after them it's no wonder so many kids think that that cleaning is for other people to do. If an adult was overwhelmed on here with a messy house the MN solution is always 'get a cleaner'

Totally different things. You can teach and encourage a 3 year old to sit down in a restaurant.

Teenagers are a completely different ball game. There's a middle ground between allowing it completely and binning the girls things.