To throw DD's things in the bin!

I'm 28, I had to move back home due to not coping, I'm also a bit messy, was absolutely diabolical as a teenager, also got the bin bag treatment.

It was traumatic.

It didn't matter what was done, until my stress levels are down I'm barely functional unless it's something that captures my complete interest.

That isn't to say I don't try but when I fail it's internalised and really fucks with my mental health because I know other people judge me.

I just got my autism diagnosis this week, and will be chasing my ADHD diagnosis as it was recommended by the consultant psychiatrist that did my assessment.

I am now building up an evidence file for financial support so that I can pay for cleaners, but I'm also lucky enough for now to have supportive family like your daughter and I just wanted to thank you for being incredibly understanding towards your child.

Maybe it’s just because it’s how my teenage years looked, but does your daughter have ADHD or is she struggling a bit with her mental health? Most people, even scrubby teens don’t want to be around broken glass and mouldy plates. The taking your stuff and damaging it is not on, but the clothes on the floor is quite standard for teenagers and the stuff that poses more dangers like crockery in her room and broken glasses etc. makes me think there’s more at play, as even in my most despairing moments I’d find the time to pick up glass off the floor in my room. My mom never taught me to tidy and would clean up after me, but I’d shitty it up so fast because I just didn’t feel good about myself and didn’t care about anything so why would I care about washing up or making my room habitable?

I realise it’s super frustrating, but I would unbag all the stuff that’s not actual rubbish and give her another chance to start sorting it out. I’d have struggled to forgive my parents for pulling this in GCSE season. My mom would use tidying as an excuse to snoop in my stuff and that felt stressful enough.

My mum did similar to me as a teenager except she took everything out of my room that was on the floor and put it outside and said I had till the end of the day to put it away properly or anything left outside was going in the bin.

I didn't suddenly become tidy but was a lot better at maintaining my room so it was messy not filthy.

And almost 30 years later I still have a fantastic relationship with my mum.

She didn't call her a pig

She called the room a pigsty which is not unreasonable if it's disgusting

The only 'belongings' the OP threw away were the ruined ones.

Unless you think the DD really wanted to keep bloody knickers, ruined makeup and broken glass?

Feel your pain. I’m not sure I would have done the same but I can understand why you have.

'End of' doesn't make it so

Does he leave shit stained pants lying about and broken glass everywhere?

You say he can look after his room- it's pretty clear from the OP that her daughter can't.

Well I managed ( many years ago) because my mother wouldn't have tolerated that disgusting tip

So did my children, although their rooms might have been a bit untidy, they weren't hovels.

Her parents have worked hard to buy a house that gives her the luxury of her own room and that's how she treats it?

Not in my world she wouldn't.

Teens are locking themselves away spending hours and hours of their lives on social media and adults wonder why they have poor mental health and haven’t grown up properly. Just take away her phone and give it back when she’s grown up enough to have one.

And let me guess - she also tends to lose things, do things last minute and is always running late?

Why our you all going in your 16 year old rooms? They are old enough to keep it how they want it if that's a shit hole then so be it!!
I remind my ds16 once a week strip ya bed and there's the hoover, no dishes in there apart from his water bottle he refills he nearly a man he can sort his own room.

Year but she's 16. She knows where dirty crockery goes, just doesn't care. Sadly not unusual.

Some of this is true-eg the GCSE stress bit. Broken glass is completely inacceptable. Theft of mother's stuff also unacceptable. Mum-get a lock on your door, taking your stuff is not on. I wouldn't chuck but I would sit down and talk. There's something amiss, not sure what. My daughter simply doesn't care about mess either but this sounds atrocious. Put bags in shed or garage, get her to sort them when calmer.

Get a lock for your room, if she wants to borrow or use something she needs to ask, then return it as she found it.

Regarding her bedroom, I would give it a massive blitz.
Bin the rubbish, fill a bag with anything you don't know what to do with, give it a good clean, fresh bedding, dust, windows, the works. Really make it a nice, welcoming place to study. Get on top of it for her.

Then sit her down and tell her it's a one off, you are trying to support her during her GCSE's and she cannot focus when she is living in those conditions. But you expect her to maintain it now it's done otherwise there will be consequences.

None of that is reasonable, and you've had conversations; she knows there is what you consider to be a problem.

I think the bin bags approach is fine.

I'd get a lock for your own bedroom door, and make sure she can't get your stuff.

I'd forbid any eating in bedrooms.

I'd make sure there's a laundry basket available in her room, and make her do her own laundry.

I'd take the door off her bedroom and only out it back when the room has been kept clean and tidy for a fortnight. A bedroom door can be considered a privilege to be earned back.

To those saying "But GCSEs!" - it is possible to keep a room free of broken glass (!), food that's gone off, and other detritus, and it's also possible to stop helping yourself to other people's stuff, and still deal with exams.

The description of this pigsty of a room is completely disproportionate to the stress associated with exams. Exam stress isn't an excuse for any of it.

Bedrooms get to this state because of lack of expectations, lack of the need to be organised and to prioritise - the problem is not too much of any of that. If you want a teenager to become tidy and deal with the demands of normal life, you have to keep the expectations of normal tidyness consistent regardless of upcoming exams. People learn to keep multiple plates spinning by having multiple plates to spin, not just one or two.

The shopping addiction needs to be addressed.
Possible issues around depression need to be addressed (bearing in mind that a bedroom like that can become part of a vicious circle).

@ooerrrr Good for you! Your house!

Slightly off topic, but the broken glass is a bit of a red flag for me.

Have you seen her bare arms or legs recently?

My DS "accidentally broke" a few glasses and it transpired he was using the broken glass to self harm.

Not saying your DD is doing this, but as soon as I read that, it was the first thing that sprang to mind.

Jesus, you don't have to be a Stepford wife to find broken glass, bloodstained clothes and food remnants in a bedroom beyond the pale. Surprised it's just your teeth that are itching if your hygiene standards are that low...

Your daughter is not a pig.

She's not a little girl who's having her precious toys thrown out, she's practically an adult. And you think that someone of 16 should be allowed to get away with living in an utter pigsty and to steal/destroy her mother's belongings? She is ruining the relationship all by herself.

She needs a massive kick up the arse.

My mother/parents were the same and cosseted me in the lead up to public exams. However I did take dirty cups/plates downstairs, but they tidied/changed bedding etc. This is the approach I would take until her exams are over. I would also help her tidy her desk and sort the papers out into different subject areas so she can revise properly. And also she shouldn’t have a part time job until the summer holidays!!!

I would have rather had the bin bag treatment than the years of nagging and moaning from my mum. I wasn't as bad as your dd though.

Getting a boyfriend made me sort my shit out pretty quickly though.

For my ds, I think it's a mixture of nd, cba and genuinely he doesn't see why his room needs to be tidy, cos it's his room and it doesn't bother him. We go round in circles, because I want the room to at least be hygienic.

Like a pp, I have to give him specific, short instructions. But even then, that means the burden falls on me, who then has to clean and tidy all the other rooms in the house. I don't want to spend my free time standing in his room, giving him step by step instructions like 'put your t shirts in that drawer', when I did the exact same thing 3 weeks ago. He can analyse texts in detail and remember historical dates perfectly, but not how to pick an item of clothing up from the floor.

And part of my frustration comes from knowing EXACTLY what's going through his head, but knowing that he needs to learn how to sort his shit out.

Where is she getting the money from
To buy things from SHEIN? Does she do any other chores in the house? What are the consequences for a messy room?

that would be my approach also.
I have an 11 year old who has adhd among other things. He struggles hugely with organisational tasks.

What I have started doing with him instead of asking him to tidy his room and then it just being shoved into cupboards etc is take 5 minutes out of each day to go into his bedroom with him and give him one task to do eg dirty clothes into wash basket. Once that is done give him another task, books put away properly on bookshelves etc.

This way his bedroom stays clean and tidy and no one falls out.

Obviously he is a lot younger and has SEN considerations but could this be a possibility for you with your daughter? I know it will take some time each day but may be worth it to minimise stress on everyone?