To throw DD's things in the bin!

completely agree with you. My daughter was very similar at that age, and used to leave used sanitary towels lying around, often still attached to her underwear, rotting food, mugs with thick mould growth, and piles of worn and ironed clothing mixed together. She always said she would tidy up later but later never came.

You've got my sympathy, OP - you've clearly tried to get your daughter to keep her room to at least a basic standard, and as that's not worked, then I don't think there's any alternative but to do something more drastic. Having read your updates you've clearly bent over backwards to be as reasonable as possible, and I would be inclined to give her a short deadline to sort through the bin bags before you chuck them out.

She's doing exams. This is an intensely stressful time for her.

Keep the stuff in the bin bags and help her sort through it .

Honestly, the “gentle parenting” comments on this thread!

Blood-stained knickers, broken glass and mouldy food - as well as constantly nicking OP’s stuff?

And the answer is “take her for a Starbucks?”🤣

No bloody wonder kids are so entitled these days.

No, op it isn’t acceptable - it’s a health hazard, an accident waiting to happen and also thieving your stuff isn’t ok.

By all means help her sort it out but put your foot down - “right, we’re doing this now - let’s get it done together” and just crack on - if she won’t get involved then yes stick it outside or in the garage for her to go through herself whilst you vacuum and dust. Maybe suggest going and buying some nice stationery/organisers together to prepare for exams. Try and approach it in a positive way but make it clear there’s no excuses - it’s getting done today one way or another.

Broken glass and using shoelaces as belts are red flags to me. Have you seen her arms and legs recently? Has she lost weight? Does she eat okay? How's her mental health generally?

I personally couldn't cope with a room that bad in my house so would say something along the lines of 'I'm assuming all that crap on the floor you don't want so I'll bag up for the charity shop...'

Do you give her money? I'd be stopping that until some improvement is seen.

And if the child was a boy they’d all be telling her to kick him out 😂

I understand that and that list looked useful. It's the general implications on this thread that the Dd can't help it, rather than she's more likely to be lazy and pretty awful to ruin her mother's things

I think the ND suggestions are because she might hate it being like that but not know how to change it - and avoidance of the situation is another ND trait. I have ADHD and it’s exactly how I was as a teenager - I was shamed and expected to sort it but was never actually taught how, and besides that I lacked the focus and organizational skills to be able to. And even when family offered to help I would feel overwhelmed and exhausted at the prospect so would just shut down.

it’s just a suggestion so op can possibly look at other explanations and solutions to the behaviour.

I know. But there's no law that states that things that work for ND people can't be used for anyone else. LOL

In fact it's great if ND friendly things are used more widely. Makes them more normalised. My NT daughter benefits a lot from things I find helps me and my son who are both ND.

We are not gatekeeping stuff that might help someone!

And as some of us famously struggle with mess, why not share what helped us in the hope it helps?

I'm amazed by all the replies here. Would you all really accept such terrible behaviour from your own Dc? If OP's dc can study for GCSEs and has a part-time job, then she can tidy her room.

And there's no excuse for taking and wrecking OP's things, which she has worked hard for.

And op has tried and tried to talk to her dd but nothing has changed. Maybe a short, sharp shock is what's needed.

The OP has not said that her daughter is ND...

If you know any Neuro divergent people, ask them for tips.

I have always had rubbish executive functioning and it's a question of trial and error until you find the method that suits you best. Plus accepting that it will always be a struggle and there'll be times you need to overhaul everything and re set

This was a game changer for me.

I think you were quite right. You have tried reasonable now it is time for shock tactics. Mumsnet largely seems to think anyone under 18 must be excused anything and everything and all problems are your fault. Bollocks to that. 16 is old enough to take responsibility for her own bedroom.

Don’t throw those bags out. It’s good if her room is clear for her revision and exams. Get her to sort through them AFTER her exams

This was me too, precisely!

But op has done that multiple times!

I don't think it's 'unfair standards' not to have smashed glasses in your room, or to leave make-up with lids off so things get stained. I'm not surprised OP is upset/frustrated.

What kind of support? For Mummy to tidy her room? I disagree.

Op said she has asked, pleaded, threatened, too many times and I lost the plot this afternoon

Dd needs to learn how to keep her room tidy.

Let us know what she does with the bin bags OP

If she is neurodivergent, she will really struggle with finding a place for stuff due to executive function/object permanence issues. I’ve come to realise that if I put something away, it ‘stops existing’ (save for a few very important things like passports). My friend (similar issues) has taken all the doors off all the cupboards in her house so that she can see inside. Our brains work differently so we’ve had to find ways of coping.

Mine did the same to me although I was much younger so they were toys/toy animals. I remember being hysterical. Was one of many things though that weren’t right in our house.

I do the same to my DS. He just doesn't see mess , I go in with my bin bag and chuck all rubbish and broken things. He then sulks because I've moved his stuff, but there comes a point were it's a hazard and unsafe.

Op’s daughter can take herself to a&e then when she steps onto broken glass with bare feet.

How did she react op?

I’m in the YANBU camp. She has literally NO EXCUSE not to put her dirty pants in a washing basket, clean up broken glass, or wreck other people’s stuff. Literally none. If she is old enough and responsible enough to have a job, then she is old enough to have basic hygiene, safety and courtesy at home.

There’s a huge difference between between having a messy room, and what you’ve described.

I’d also go one step further and refrain from taking her out for any treats or withholding any extra cash until you’ve made back the money it cost to buy the stuff of yours she has wrecked. Tell her you’re not made of money.

She's doing her GCSEs and working part time, this hardly leaves her with no time to keep her room clean.
Many of us have sat exams whilst doing things far more stressful than a part time job.
Both of my kids have worked part time from the age of about 13, both keep their room tidy, neither have buckled from the 'stress', in fact they still seem to find time for friends and hobbies!

The OP isn't talking about putting her daughter's possessions in bin bags, she's talking about things that are broken and ruined.

Seriously??? You think OP is being unreasonable to do this? That she just has to smile and accept broken glass? Ruined possessions? There's neglecting tidiness during times of stress - and I can be slatternly AF at times - and there's extreme selfishness and neglect and I don't think being stressed about GCSEs is a good reason for this at all.

@ooerrrr I don't think YABU at all.