To throw DD's things in the bin!

Yeah. Because GCSEs these days are an absolute doddle aren't they?

I grew up on a farm. I came home once to my stuff thrown on the fire. Didn't teach me anything..

I would put a lock on my bedroom door so she cannot get my possessions and shut hers. Let her live in that filth. Don’t do her washing or anything.
When she asks for anything -
the answer is no. When you get chance, shame her. I dgaf - if she’s embarrassed by your comments then she needs to take action.

That would be my stance. My daughter is 7, does as I ask for now but I can see she’s one of the brilliant, creative but horribly messy types. She’ll be a pig too (already getting there!) so I’ve enjoyed reading my future and advice! 😆

My 16 year old DS has ADHD. His room
is regularly like a crack den!! Every so often I go in and clear and clean his room. He’s been trying very hard to keep it clean but once it gets past a certain point he gets very overwhelmed and doesn’t know where to start.The struggle is very real. I think your point about checking daily is a good one and one I will adopt. 😀

I just wanted to say I hear you - we have very similar with our slightly younger daughter. It’s very very difficult to deal with. Living day in and day out with it makes it impossible to react in the ‘ideal way’ and to ‘talk things through’. I don’t have the answer I just wanted to say you aren’t alone!

Ignore the negative posts. Mine was a perfect toddler/child - get clothes out for the next day, rubbish in bin, dirty clothes in laundry. Age 12/13 it all went to pot. Have been focusing on important stuff like brushing teeth and making sure bathroom is as it was before use (toilet flushed, clothes off floor, towels back on rack, bath emptied) and getting there. Have had grandparents pay "surprise visits" after school whilst I'm still at work to clear out bedroom. Teen has not liked this but is pleased with the result after. Any disgusting plates I find, she needs to clean. Bits at a time e.g. let's put books back in bookshelf today. Also explain that whilst we need to set aside time at the weekend to do this; we cannot do other things like cinema. I think gradually progress is being made. Also mine is having things put in place at school for possible ADHD. I still need to get her on waiting list for assessment. Just try focusing on small chunks e.g. plates/cups first. Visual reminders (signs) on bedroom door reminding "no food in bedroom" and check for this daily. Once this sorted, move onto the next chunk. As for my own things, this has caused problems. I sent an article about dyslexia (me) and the importance of not touching/moving a dyslexics stuff. Else you might need to lock things away/keep in the car.

Wow that's quite an overreaction at a time she definitely doesn't need you going off on one. Her room, her choice but have you ever thought she may be overwhelmed and needs you to help rather than judge and criticise?

You've got a lot of apologising to do, that's an almighty breach of trust and privacy. She's got every right to be furious and hurt.

It wasn't her makeup...

Have you read the daughter's reaction?

Read all the OP's posts have you?

This wasn't 'rampaging in' this was the last straw

She shouldn't be a disgusting mare then should she ! Blood stained knickers is just pure FILTH .
OP get a lock on your door so she can't touch your stuff and warn her you will go in monthly and chuck the lot if she doesn't start keeping her room clean

My mum used to pull that old trick too, and I’m certainly not traumatised. My room was a shithole and I was a stroppy teen, no wonder she was pissed off. I also had a job and passed all of my exams despite being at war with my mum over what I see now as me being an inconsiderate teen. And I am close with my mum now. Don't over think it, do what you think is best your the mum and it’s your house.

PP didn’t say autistic. She said neurodivergent. ☺️. I have 2 DS’s with ADHD and it definitely has some bearing on the state of their rooms (like crack dens). Not so bad for the 24 year old as his girlfriend practically lives with us and helps him with it. The 16 year old lets his get into a terrible state. I help him sort it every couple of weeks and he does try to keep it tidy but not very successfuly.

Teenagers are disgusting. Ive lived this lol.

You have your own line, when its crossed you need to deliver consequences instead of moaning for weeks then just blowing up and not actually following through with binning her stuff.

If you threaten to bin her stuff, you need to bin her stuff but it should be a last resort.

With my daughter, we LITERALLY took her bedroom away and made her live in the spare room (last resort) and that still didnt work. Reward charts, incentives, punishments, nothing worked until I actually binned her stuff (she didnt believe I would after threatning a few times until I really got to the end of my tether when I found dirty underwear thown in cupboards, plates and dishes with food on hidden in drawers, the list goes on.

Messy rooms are ok but broken glass and mouldy food? No wifi, no running her around, deffo no money.

If after all this shes still skanky tell her she has a week to sort it or you're binning it all and this time, bin it.

Good luck.

And anyone that has a perfect teenager? You are in the MASSIVE minority lol.

I hate to say it but this was me when I was your DD’s age. I’d have appreciated it if my Mum tidied it for me which she didn’t (and rightly so as was my mess). However I wouldn’t have liked to have her throw my things out or shout at/shame me, especially with such an important few months. Tread carefully I think.

I’m not like it now, I just remember thinking there was more important things to do than tidy and clean.

Can't believe how pathetic everyone is being about this. Of course you can throw her shit out, it's your house and she's a health hazard. It's probably full of cockroaches and mousepoo by now.
But you have to accept you're at fault here too if you haven't trained her by now. You don't start by asking or begging. You start several years ago by telling and showing them how.

how is she buying shein?! set up a parental lock to get on top of that immediately, she should not be buying stuff from there, its a one way ticket to hoarding. and yes you should throw her stuff out.

I do this. They do it or I do it. Blood stained pants and mouldy food and broken glass is basic health and safety.

For me a phone jail is a lifesaver. 😂I put their phones in and they don’t come out or get the new WiFi code (also in the phone jail) until room is cleaned to my basic standard.

I would not let them use my stuff, they would have to buy new laces/ make up etc out of their wages. That’s just so disrespectful.

My eldest ate an entire carton of something very expensive which I buy once a week to go in smoothies. I asked where it was and I was told they didn’t know. They blamed their sibling, who then also denied all knowledge. I asked again nicely and again they repeated that maybe o had left it in the supermarket or maybe I’d not brought some this week 😱It wasn’t in the inside recycling, it was buried at the bottom of the outside recycling. But the lying got me. Had they asked for some the answer would have been - have some. So yes, they have not only paid for a new one but been sent out to get it. It the bare minimum I expect.

and has she gone thru all the black bags ?
or are they still sitting there ?

Yes, yes yes. Doing this while your DD was out sounds like having a tantrum. I've no doubt that the room is as bad as you say, but really, going in when DD is out - she's 16 and entitled to some privacy - without warning too, is not on. Grow up, OP, and use your words like a grown up.

There are 5 full bags which are waiting to be put out for rubbish.

Please don't put them out! You've made your point; leave the bags for her to go through (or do it with her if she wants) when she has time, but throwing away her things is going too far.

I would try to make a clear distinction - both for yourself and to her - about what negatively impacts others/the whole household and what really mainly hurts her. The issues that significantly impact others need to be dealt with, effectively stand as a priority, with ongoing consequences if they continue. For the other things, offer your help and advice if she wants/will accept it but don't force it.

Taking your things back and taking steps to stop her from accessing them is reasonable and necessary. A rule about no food and drink in the bedrooms is a good idea - get her one of those big insulated mugs and enforce the rule that everything else stays in the kitchen/dining room.common areas. Or a rule that any plates, glasses, etc. are returned to the kitchen clean and put away before bedtime each nigh, or once a week, or whatever works. But make sure the whole household follows that rule. If her room's a health hazard, attracts pests, can be smelled from other parts of the house, etc. that also has to be fixed.

But stuff like missing makeup tops and stained knickers - assuming she's doing her own laundry and buying/replacing the things herself, since she's working - don't need to impact anyone but her.

People have a really weird attitude towards teens these days. They give them adult privileges and yet no adult responsibilities. They are the princes and princesses of the household.

It doesn’t work for me as a parent, and it doesn’t work for them either.

Their room is only their space subject to them taking care of it. Even as an adult, if a landlord inspected a room you were renting in that state, you could be evicted.

It is really worth having high expectations, and high expectations implies consequences if they aren’t met (otherwise they aren’t high expectations). Good teachers know this and so do good parents.

Of course, help them with the tidying and any relevant decision making but don’t let them get away with it on the grounds that they are stressed or might not visit you when they are adults. TBH, most teens/young adults respect strict but kind. If you ask them who their favourite teacher is, you may be surprised that it isn’t the most chilled who lets them get away with anything, but a combination of strict yet inspirational.

Superduperuper
Is she neurodivergent? Suffering with poor mental health or stress?

Bin bags isn’t the solution and is pretty traumatic tbh. Does she even know how to clean, have you ever taught her? In the time it took you to put her stuff in bin bags you could have tidied her room. She won’t still be doing this when she’s 25, it is just a phase because I daresay right now is a very stressful time for her.

Since when is being a slob and a thief a sign of autism?

I have autism, btw, an ‘official’ diagnosis.

The poster said Neurodivergent not Autistic. The daughter's behaviour could well be part of ADHD. Procrastination and task paralysis are actual symptoms. Body doubling helps a lot.

.

Yes to this.

My kids went to school in the US, where your grade point average is what gets you into university. This means that every piece of homework you hand in, every weekly test, and every end of semester exam grade goes into your GPA, from the first week of your freshman year onward. How did the poor darlings ever manage to keep rooms reasonably tidy, do chores, do sports, participate in clubs, participate in school musicals and drama, do babysitting and PT jobs, and go out with friends without collapsing in a sobbing heap? And before anyone trots out the old chestnut, "American educational standards are what the British would consider remedial," my DCs attended Ivy League and other extremely selective universities.

The adage "If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it" holds true for students.

No one has said that. They've said she should not throw her daughter's things in the bin.