To exclude one child from family holiday

You'll never please some people OP. When they asked if you spent time with her, you said yes, then it was how much time, you answered it was a lot, then it was but is it just the two of you, again yes, then but is it quality time...... it won't end.

You know you've done what you thought was best and are still trying.
Coming on here looking for help is still trying.
I know kids who were thrown out of home at 16 and their rooms taken away.
She on the other hand has a home/bed at yours and knows she's welcome there anytime.

Teens can be a nightmare but hopefully it's a phase.

Don't give her money if she won't apologise.

Could it be that there's never been any consequences to her behaviour thus it carrying on?

If she knows she can get away with stuff by going to her grans and coming back when you've calmed down, then she won't change.

There needs to be consequences to bad behaviour.

This is years of neglect. Shes been let down by her primary care givers since birth.

It's seems your daughter is very angry... This could be stemmed from loosing her father! And you developing a new relationship and having more children. Obviously, only natural for you but for this is a massive.
Have you tried family therapy? Just you and her.

It seems very difficult for both of you. You won't win either way! You're allowed a peaceful holiday however, excluding her will only impact her more and push her further way from you.

The poor girl. An awful experience for you too! I'm sorry you're going through this!

Why is location any consideration? It’s not about whether she wants to go or not

my 17 year old DS f**I’d up our blended holiday with his shitty behaviour last year. He won’t be coming this year. Or any other year unless he shows he’s matured, his behaviour has changed, and he deserves it. Currently, no

She needs counselling. She's troubled

She sounds incredibly spoilt and self centred. No surprise she wants to stay at her GPs if they give in to her. She wants money but refuses to apologise? Why do so many people think it’s acceptable to treat you like that, it’s bizarre.

She doesn’t live with you. Don’t kid yourself you’re the primary care giver. You outsource her bed every night. If you really think that isn’t the ultimate rejection you’re living on a different planet.

Sounds to me like you need to cancel the holiday and put the money towards some decent counselling and therapy for daughter before it's too late and you're visiting her in the jail.

She doesn’t live with you. You aren’t parenting her. That’s the issue.

If you think she has a disorder then maybe broach the subject of the GP with her?
My youngest is 14 and honestly, if not getting her way, she will be a downright bully. She’s undiagnosed but I think she has ADHD as I have it and her brother is also on the spectrum.

Me and my husband are going to Turkey this year and our 16 and 19 year old aren't coming. Our youngest doesn't like the sun, we took them to Benidorm last year and 16 was too hot. 19 year old was happy. We are planning to go away on a city break with our 16 year old instead. 19 year old will go away with boyfriend and friend. I would try and do a trip with just eldest if you can.

1. definitely don’t remove her from the holiday. That will be the end of any relationship you have or could have.
2. does she had adhd or autism? That behaviour of melting down when things don’t go as she expects is not always a sign of being spoilt, but can be a sign of not meeting the expectations she had. So she had an idea of what she thought your weekend break would be, and when it wasn’t like that she blamed you and shouted and swore at you. Perhaps discuss in advance what her expectations are, so she can have time to work through it if it’s not how she thought it would be. Also, make her aware of changes as they happen, let her help to make decisions - not get her own way, but listen to her voice and thoughts before coming to a decision and then explain that decision processs to her.
3. trauma can present in the same way as adhd or asd, so it could be that is what she is experiencing. Especially if she feels that your other children were replacing her or that you didn’t need her anymore. Trauma can be minimal to have maximal effect.

Really? I find that unbelievable.

She has deep seated issues that need to be resolved. I would prioritize spending time with her over a holiday.

I would suggest no big family holiday until you’ve spent time fixing things with the dd, getting her to a point where you can both appreciate spending some time together.
Lovebombing, family therapy, there will be a way to reconnect and learn how to trust each other again, and as the responsible adult it will have to
come from you.

I’m sure OP won’t be back, but the grilling, as so many have taken offence at, is posters pointing out what an awful time her 17 yo has had, and that few teenagers will come out of that unscathed.
Unfortunately teens who have been through these times tend not to be sweet, sad and easily helped, they tend to have complex and often downright horrible behaviour that pushes parents to their limits.
Treating this as typical bratty behaviour that can be dealt with like you would a 17 yr old that has not had these experiences is unlikely to solve anything and could make the relationship far more difficult. That’s not to say that there should be no accountability or consequences, not at all, boundaries are important, but in this case excluding her from a family trip is likely to push the dd even further away and deeper into being troubled.

she lost her dad, you got pregnant, she acted out and got shipped to her grandparents.

I wonder how close this ^ simplified statement is to the perspective of the dd. I’m guessing it’s quite accurate, even if the op and others find it offensive.

When you’re a parent of a tricky child you are often overwhelmed with advice that should just be ignored, mainly because most parents do not have the experience of raising a child with complex needs and cannot think beyond their own experiences of children and of parenting.

My kids are 20 and 21 and are still holidaying with us! They love it!

Great statement, no help to OP

My kids are 20 and 21 and are still holidaying with us! They love it!

We had same issue with my teenage DSS. He was a horror lol and I was the only strict one and he always said how much he appreciated it. He would get away with all sorts at his GPs where he often stayed, stealing from them we later found out with them keeping quiet. He’d tell them the poor me story about his half siblings (which he loves btw) and they lapped it up. Not me. Lots of teens misbehave but trauma and separation doesn't excuse it. You can still be kind and firm about bad behaviour.

Teenagers have their own beliefs and ideas. It's important not to shut them down immediately, even if their opinions may be unpalatable to you. The topics you mentioned are highly political and nuanced, and there is no consensus among any political party or even the general population. It's best to ignore any shocking speech that may come from her.

Both DP and I have teenagers who say some rather bizarre and challenging things, but we choose to ignore them. However, DP has a degree in politics and often takes the opportunity to engage them in discussions on political and moral ethics.
Sometimes these chats do end in one or all parties claiming the other is talking bollox.

Post on the first page says 17 is “very old” to be holidaying with parents.

it depends on the child’s circumstances as well. My eldest is 19 and wants a family holiday before she goes to uni. Of course I’ll pay as she doesn’t have an income. When she goes to uni I will pay (or contribute, it’s likely she’ll pay to fly from uni to wherever, and I’ll cover hotels etc).

I want to see her and spend time with her. If she can’t afford to cover the cost then yes I will pay.

mumsnet seems to expect children to be completely self sufficient and pay their own way the day they turn 18.

Why shouldn’t they be paid for on a family holiday? Key word is ‘family’, which they’re part of. I wouldn’t dream of charging DD to come away with us. It’s a rare bit of quality time