To exclude one child from family holiday

Has she always been like this?Have you looked into the possibility of her being neurodivergent? Does she have any other potential traits?
I'm only asking as we are currently getting our, much younger, son assessed and the short temper, mood swings, and meltdowns are the main reason.
I don't know your personal situation and it may just be that boundaries have never been set or she is upset because of the loss of her father. But if you feel you have always been consistent. Followed through with your threats and set consistent and regular boundaries and consequences and noting seems to work there is a possibility she has autism or another form of neurodivergency - it usually comes with an inability to fully understand consequence.

This was very similar to my life growing up so I hope I can give you some relevant advice.
My mum had me at 18 and then decided she wanted to go back to college so I lived with my grandparents from age 4. She met my step dad there and made an entirely new life for herself, she had two more children from when I was 8 onwards - my sister was even born the day after my birthday!
I always lived feeling that I was a terrible mistake - my mum celebrated my two other siblings - birthday parties, holidays, going to their sports matches etc
She never once attended any of my sports, arranged a birthday and in fact I found out that their 'adult only' holidays to Portugal each year were actually with my siblings - I presume she just didn't want me to come.
Not to say you are like any of the above but giving some context about my experience.
From this I would say that she is acting out of shame - no matter what you do right now she will feel like the unwanted one - whether you are good to her or not there are younger siblings who live with you and have a present father and it is unavoidable for her to feel like this. It is also a very hard situation for her to explain to people around her - friends, work colleagues etc
Being naughty will probably be the only thing she has that she has any control left over and it will mask her feelings of shame and being different which are trust me literally crippling - been there done it got the t-shirt on being naughty to cover the feelings inside.
It will naturally subside with age and the difference will be if she looks back and knows that you stuck with her through it all or not.
My advice - do everything you can now - take up a hobby together, write her letters to explain how much she means to you that she can keep and look back on later, take so many photos everywhere you go together, talk her up infront of the siblings - 'what would would do without her, she is so good at this etc'. This is important as otherwise the siblings will deem her as unworthy moving forward in life (been there too!) - the relationship between the siblings and her is hugely important as they are a bridge to you. For every naughty thing she does reply 'I love you' - because think how many times you casually say that to her siblings in day to day life and compare it to how much you say it her. Naturally it will be less as you don't live with her but you need to compensate / over compensate.

Literally smother her with love and try the best you can to make things entirely equal between her and the siblings. Let me know if I can give any other advice.

@Otherstories2002

its not an overstatement to say your posts was vile. Why are you vilifying OP (who is also a victim of trauma) in this way? it’s odd

You seem fixated on not helping.

Vile is a bit dramatic.

My disdain of her is a direct response to the screaming disdain toward her daughter.

And your vile post berating OP who came to look for help and flogging the dead horse tells me all I need to know about you as a human being. Hope you felt better about yourself :)

I haven’t RTFT, but I agree with the posters saying that an open and honest chat with her is needed to set expectations. I would definitely not just leave her out of the trip as I don’t think she would ever forgive you for it. She is clearly still struggling with the death of her dad and the restructuring of her family. Also, at 17, her prefrontal cortex (the part of her brain responsible for things like impulse control and behavior management) is not fully operational yet. Her brain is still ‘under construction’, which does not excuse terrible behavior, but does go some way toward explaining why she has trouble controlling it.

I think this is a crucial time to communicate to her that 1) your love for her is absolutely unconditional, no matter what she is like, and 2) she is not a second class citizen in the family who is in danger of being jettisoned if/when she is difficult to be around. Bringing her along in spite of her behaviour will go a long way toward communicating these things.

Presumably she is aware that things deteriorated on this last trip, so maybe you could sit down with her to discuss what went wrong and how to avoid that on this big upcoming holiday. I would be very clear as well about what the consequences of a repeat of her behavior would be.

*Completey dismissive of her daughter's needs ...

Is that why she's taken her to doctors numerous times, taken her to therapy, included her in family holidays, engaged with school and college, not thrown her out, spends one on one time with her?

You are the one who is dismissive of OP's attempts.

Knowing grief is a million off understanding the full impact of her daughter’s early years.

Thats why OP has sought and continues to seek help!

People seek help when they're at a loss of where they're going wrong.
When what they've been doing isn't working.
When they feel they've tried everything.

People offering first hand experience, offering support and links to suitable places are helping.

Bashing OP isn't helping.

No parent is perfect and to have such disdain over her trying to get help says a lot about you.

Holidays are too expensive to be ruined by a stroppy teen! I wouldn't blame you for not taking her, as she has brought it on herself.

BUT, I obviously don't know this girl's side of things. How did things between you get so bad?

I mean, the apple clearly doesnt fall far from the tree if this is how you model having a difficult conversation.

Your poor daughter.

You are aware that letting kids do stuff because they want to is an example of neglect right?

her dad is dead. The fact that you’re berating her for that complex situation tells me all I need to know about your parenting.

I bet alot of kids would like to be neglected in this way.
The daughter didnt need to exclude herself from the family and be angry. She wants in her life an abusive dad whom she idolises because her mom is the 'bad cop' so it's easy to pin positive feelings to a dead person (who was not even a positive influence in her life). And people seem to be sayign it's OK to treat her mum like shit because trauma. It's not.

Yep. That’s the sum total of her life.

She is completely dismissive of her daughter’s needs. Knowing grief is a million off understanding the full impact of her daughter’s early years.

OP some people here treat you like if your ex died and youshagged your new pertner on his grave, laughing Disney villain style as your daughter was being dragged away into her GPs basement.
Dont take too much notice, but do organise therapy and be firm. Many people do through trauma and dont belittle and sweat at their close ones in public as a result.

Neglect because the girl chose to live with grandparents who provide her with anything she wanted, f... me.

The daughter was a one year old!
She's had 6 years of being an only child. What was the OP to do, not marry, not have more kids?

We all know sibling rivalry is a thing, even with blood siblings.
Daughter might resent OP for having other kids or remarrying but that's no way to live.

OP has given more context because its not just about the holiday.

If it were, she'd have simply asked, my 17yr old daughter calls me names and is disrespectful, should I take her on holiday.... and people would have said no, she's a spoilt brat.

If OP was so bad, daughter would stay at gran's and never come back. But she knows she's loved and has a home there.

@Otherstories2002 ,He died after prison though. And he went to prison for what again?
Losing your dad at 15 is not remotely comparable

Seems like you're here to pick at everything OP says.

Saying her dad died at 15 isn't saying it's the same thing, she knows loss and was therefore more aware of the needs of her daughter, which she's tried to meet but with no luck.

There are loads of kids who've lost parents but behave well.
There's been no diagnosis, so could all be teenage angst.
OP doesn't know, doctors don't know, but interesting that MN-ers can diogonise without even meeting the girl.

@iLovee You don't sound like you like her very much.......

You realise you can love your kids without liking their behaviour.

What parent would like to be called names in public by their daughter?

OP knows what she's tried isn't working, that's why she's on here.
Are women not meant to marry when they have young kids?
There'll be loads of kids whose situation is similar and have blended well into the new family.
How was OP to know her daughter would struggle in her teens?

Holier than thou people on here projecting or wanting to kick a mother when she's down are not being helpful.

If OP didn't like her daughter she wouldn't have made numerous trips to the doctor's, engaged with the schools, taken her on holiday, spend time just the two of them, got her into therapy, kept the relationship going with the partenal grandparents etc.
That's not the actions of a mother who doesn't care.

I'm one of four, same upbringing with my siblings yet it was just me who gave my mum a hard time. Other 3 were perfect kids.
No reason other than teenage hormones.
Luckily I grew out of it and has never been mentioned since.

Some kids are just more difficult than others. For all we know, she would be behaving the same were her dad still here.

Sorry you haven't gotten any help with the doctors.
Try and talk as much as possible. Communication is the key, but I realise the other person has to be willing too.

A good trick is to not let it be a sit down let's talk approach but casually bringing things up as asking for a friend sort of way.
Good luck OP.