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AIBU?

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Original poster

To exclude one child from family holiday

343 replies

Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 16:03

I have a strained relationship with my eldest daughter. She basically lives with her grandparents. I try my hardest to make her feel loved, wanted & included. We have booked a summer holiday abroad this year. 6 of us in total so it’s not cheap. We have just been on a weekend break and she was a nightmare! Shouting and swearing calling me names in public etc. I don’t get it because she was really looking forward to it. It’s as soon as she doesn’t get her own way she kicks off. Now me and my husband will work hard all year to pay for this summer holiday and I don’t want her to ruin it for us and the other kids! AIBU to cancel her off? I feel like she would never forgive me and it would ruin any chance of building a stronger relationship so I’m torn!

OP posts:
WhatADayToHaveEyes · 07/04/2024 17:39

I can’t understand why you are getting such a hard time here OP I’m sorry.

from what I understand:

  1. you split from her dad due to DV. Understandable and pushed for on every DV thread. You did what you needed to do to protect yourself and your daughter.
  2. you met someone new. Understandable and again, people are always saying on threads that you deserve a life after a break up etc. Setting up a new relationship and family is normal. Only you know if that was an appropriate time to do so?
  3. your ex then died. Tragic for your DD but not your fault. Are people like Pickledf expecting you to have ditched your DH and other child at this point to solely raise DD?
  4. ? years later, when you were pregnant again, DD has been struggling and eventually has made the choice to spend more time at her grandparents. Were you supposed to get a termination and ditch the husband and child at this point to focus on DD alone I wonder? Maybe Pickledf can elaborate on when this should have all been timed perfectly…
Herewegoagainandagainandagain · 07/04/2024 17:38

Did it never cross your mind to think - when she was 14, kicking off, being sent off to her dgps because your relationship was so fractured - I have a child who is kicking off because they are in a world of pain, with the family history she needs me now more than ever as she enters her difficult teen years, and having a 3rd child that is going to take me even more away from her is perhaps not a good idea?

You must have seen this coming and the choices you have made were not in your first child's best interests and she feels every one of them every day. Time to put her first for a change. Is it possible for the two of you to holiday alone where she is put first for a change to try to get a break through?

rainbowstardrops · 07/04/2024 17:34

Firstly, lots of 'children' act up at that age. They think they know it all. I certainly did.
There are clearly deep issues going on here as she's been living with her grandparents.

I absolutely would not leave her out, unless you want to cause irreparable damage to your relationship.

Talk to her. Tell her you're a family, you love her but the negative behaviour 100% won't be tolerated.

I feel sorry for her. She's been through an awful lot in her young years.

Original poster
Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 17:28

princessbeetroot · 07/04/2024 17:20

You come across as very unable to hear any criticism of your parenting. And very unable to take any responsibility or accountability for how this situation has turned out.

Your poor daughter had an abusive father who subsequently died. You moved on and had a new relationship and new children in the mix of that and at crucial times in her development. Now you are worried that you holiday is going to be ruined more than you are worried that your relationship with your daughter is going to be ruined?

Your daughter might be a bloody nightmare, a lot of teenagers are, but she is a product of a lot of trauma and your parenting. Which you clearly don't want to hear, but it doesn't make it not true.

Not at all, people are making things up to fit their own narrative and I’m correcting them with facts :)

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 17:27

Londonrach1 · 07/04/2024 17:22

At 17 living elsewhere don't understand why she's not included in a family holiday. However you need to talk to her. You might find she wants to come in which case you have to take her

Edited

She is included on all holidays

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 17:26

xSideshowAuntSallyx · 07/04/2024 17:23

So she lost her father twice, once when he went to prison and then when he died. You have gone on to have more children whilst shunting her off to live with her grandparents because she's not behaving the way you like.

My guess is she's desperate for attention, any attention will do. If you're shouting at her you're giving her attention

She was only a baby and it was only for a few weeks. I don’t tend to shout at her to be honest but maybe I should!

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 17:24

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This is like my daughter. She’s lovely if she’s getting her own way, but if not, that’s when the behaviour starts! Obviously we can’t all get our own way 100% of the time so it’s inevitable she will create on holiday. It’s how we deal with it thats the question. I just ignored her today as I was that angry and humiliated if I’d of reacted I would have done/ said something I’d regret

OP posts:
TwigletsAndRadishes · 07/04/2024 17:24

ghostyslovesheets · 07/04/2024 16:28

I had a difficult relationship with my eldest and she spent lots of time with her dad - she stopped coming on holiday with me at about 15 as she 'hated' my holidays (Eurocamp) but her dad did AI in nice resorts - we have a great relationship now though.

For me, what stands out from reading, she's been bereaved and 'replaced' and I am guessing their is a fair amount of anger being processed. You keep mentioning 'in front of the kids' so maybe the first step is to spend quality time JUST with her - not dragging her half siblings along so your attention is not on her - she probably needs some1-1 with you. No I wouldn;t take her away with your new family - it would make you both miserable.

good post.

xSideshowAuntSallyx · 07/04/2024 17:23

So she lost her father twice, once when he went to prison and then when he died. You have gone on to have more children whilst shunting her off to live with her grandparents because she's not behaving the way you like.

My guess is she's desperate for attention, any attention will do. If you're shouting at her you're giving her attention

Confrontayshunme · 07/04/2024 17:22

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Londonrach1 · 07/04/2024 17:22

At 17 living elsewhere don't understand why she's not included in a family holiday. However you need to talk to her. You might find she wants to come in which case you have to take her

TwigletsAndRadishes · 07/04/2024 17:21

Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 16:17

Sadly her dad died many years ago so they are half siblings

Show quote history

Ah. I imagine this is the root of the problem.

princessbeetroot · 07/04/2024 17:20

You come across as very unable to hear any criticism of your parenting. And very unable to take any responsibility or accountability for how this situation has turned out.

Your poor daughter had an abusive father who subsequently died. You moved on and had a new relationship and new children in the mix of that and at crucial times in her development. Now you are worried that you holiday is going to be ruined more than you are worried that your relationship with your daughter is going to be ruined?

Your daughter might be a bloody nightmare, a lot of teenagers are, but she is a product of a lot of trauma and your parenting. Which you clearly don't want to hear, but it doesn't make it not true.

givebeesachance · 07/04/2024 17:20

oakleaffy · 07/04/2024 16:11

Crosspost-
17 is very old to be holidaying with parents, I stopped going at 15 while younger sibs went.

Wow this is so sad

ohthejoys21 · 07/04/2024 17:17

Yes absolutely speak to her. 17 is such a hard age.. it really does get easier when they appreciate you more in around 3/4 years time. I'm told I was a nightmare too. I'm not so sure our adult kids and their partners would come if it wasn't on us!!

Scarletttulips · 07/04/2024 17:14

I haven’t taken mine since they were 15/17

They now go with friends and have a fab time. I go with DH and have a fab time.

I think it’s time you grew a backbone and let her know how much she’s upset you.

Have you had her assessed? She could be masking.

Pickledf · 07/04/2024 17:13

This reply has been deleted

We are taking this down as this is it not in the spirit of the site.

Original poster
Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 17:09

ohthejoys21 · 07/04/2024 17:07

Can you talk to her and explain how you'd love her to come but are worried doe to your recent trip? You really don't want her to feel unwanted. My adult children in their 20's still come away with us (we pay) so even if she didn't come it would hurt not to be asked.

Yes, I think once I’ve calmed down and got over the upset of this weekend, I will need to sit down and speak to her about it. I love you all still holiday with your grown up children. I’d like that too for my family.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 17:07

bstar2024 · 07/04/2024 17:03

I'm sorry but your replies tell us a lot about you and your behaviour.

Like my selfish mother, never taking ANY accountability for the part you've had to play in your child's pain/rejection/behaviour etc.

A "loving and devoted mother" wouldn't be online asking this question and then getting on the defense when faced with reality.

I guess I just feel I’ve done / am doing all I can to support her but nothing will replace her dad. All we can do as parents is our best, especially in challenging circumstances. I don’t want to exclude her which is why I’ve written this post as I’m at the end of my tether being shouted and sworn at in public so not sure wether I should set a harsh boundary at the risk of alienating her further!

OP posts:
ohthejoys21 · 07/04/2024 17:07

Can you talk to her and explain how you'd love her to come but are worried doe to your recent trip? You really don't want her to feel unwanted. My adult children in their 20's still come away with us (we pay) so even if she didn't come it would hurt not to be asked.

Pickledf · 07/04/2024 17:07

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bstar2024 · 07/04/2024 17:03

I'm sorry but your replies tell us a lot about you and your behaviour.

Like my selfish mother, never taking ANY accountability for the part you've had to play in your child's pain/rejection/behaviour etc.

A "loving and devoted mother" wouldn't be online asking this question and then getting on the defense when faced with reality.

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 07/04/2024 17:03

Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 16:50

I did not push her away! It was 6 years later I had a baby. I’m allowed to move on with my life! She chose to live there and often chooses to come back when she falls out with her grand parents. We often do things together. How dare you assume otherwise? Did this happen to you? Are you projecting?

Show quote history

Of course you're allowed to move on.

But while a vulnerable child was struggling with the death of her father, a new guy on the scene and a new baby coming along you moved her to her grandparents.

You moved on, largely without her.

Now she feels rejected and 'othered' which influences her behaviour and your solution is to reject and 'other' her some more.

If you can't see your part in her behaviour then I'm not sure anyone can really help you.

Original poster
Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 17:02

bstar2024 · 07/04/2024 16:44

As a girl who's mother had another family yet was bought up by her grandparents, she will never forgive you and you will never have the same relationship as you do with your other children no matter what you do now. This is a fact. She won't forget that you didn't take her and you can't predict her behaviour that comes from a place of pain and a huge feeling of rejection.

I was ready to be quite harsh in my response. But she is 17 and not a child anymore.

I was the same, now in my 30's. Successful career. Amazing husband. First baby on the way. Unfortunately my grandparents are not around to reap the rewards of picking up after my mum. My mum now watches from the sidelines, she misses out.

You do you. She thinks you do that anyway.

I’m sorry to hear this. Your grandparents must have been special people. I’m so happy you have a successful life now!

she definitely thinks I do that a way no matter how hard I try but at least I can sleep at night knowing I’ve done all I can.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mama1209 · 07/04/2024 16:59

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shame on YOU you have no idea! Actually her dad went to prison for domestic abuse and we were separated years before he died. I was already with my husband before he died and had my 2nd child already before he died, having my 3rd 2 years ago. Not sure how that means I’ve put my own happiness before hers. For your information I am a devoted, loving mother so someone on the internet who doesn’t know me is not going to make me thing otherwise!

OP posts: