To wish my kids didn't come over as much

This is interesting. When my friends and I were in our twenties we were too busy going out at weekends to spend them at our parents homes.

I wonder if this is in part due to the cost of housing leaving younger people with less disposable income and tiny rooms in shared houses.
Going home to comfortable parents homes is probably preferable to spending it with grumpy housemates, not much money to go out etc.

The generations in their 20s and 30s now are the first in decades to face a lower standard of living than their parents.

Work out whether you want to see less of them or just want them to not take advantage when they visit. It's very easy to fall back into old parent/child roles when actually you're all adults and wouldn't expect/accept this kind of behaviour from anyone else. It is lovely they are so comfortable in your home but you want a bit of respect, so tell them.

Would I be unreasonable to say, I love you both very much but please can we plan visit better and have them less often?

Not unreasonable at all, if you want to make them feel really unwelcome. My adult dc know they can always come back anytime they want. We have a key safe and they can let themselves in (I haven’t changed the code, yet!), although they’ve never turned up unannounced. I don’t put my life on hold, though, or do cooked breakfasts on demand!

Just be honest with them. You love them and want to see them but you’re tired of running around after them and some weekends you need time to yourself.

When they come they need to contribute for food and they need to cook.

Tell them what you've said in your OP. It's perfectly measured and reasonable. If anyone takes the huff, too bad (and it won't last long). I'm sure they come to see you because they love you, but the frequency of visits is because you've made it like a holiday from adulting for them.

And yes, make yourselves less available and accommodating. Plan things 'Oh your dad are out on Saturday night', or just keep busy with jobs. If you're there making cooked breakfasts and waiting on them hand and foot no wonder they want to come round all the time! Make them less comfortable and they might choose to do their own thing more often.

YANBU and I can imagine feeling just as you do when my kids are in their 20s. Even now, the rare occasions that DH and I get the house to ourselves are bliss and there's a part of me that's really looking forward to not being a parent on duty all the time and to our time being our own again.

Could you tell them nicely that while you love seeing them regularly, you and their dad would like to have some quiet weekends too, when you don't have to cook and entertain and when your TV remote is your own? I'd say it kindly and try not to be too blunt, but they do need to start living their own lives a bit more, rather than pitching up on your doorstep every weekend. They're in their 20s - they should be enjoying their lives, going out, having their friends round, etc, not watching TV at their mum and dad's.

Or you could start doing major clean outs every weekend, so grass needs cutting and hedges need trimming, power hosing to be done, windows to be cleaned, rooms to be spring cleaned. It will do one of two things, put em off visiting or you will get loads of jobs done and wont mind getting a take away on a sat night that you all chip in for. One child cooks brekkie Sat morning, one Sunday morning. But also if you have stuff to do as well, just get on with it too and they can entertain themselves too

be thankful for what you have you will miss it when it stops. You are also clearly a lovely mum if you dc want to visit so often you raised them well.

In my very early twenties we (me, then DP and his brothers and sisters all used to pile round MILs and FiLs. It was just habit.

I remember us all being out in the garden sunbathing and MIL was on the phone to her sister saying pretty much the same thing. “Yes I suppose we’re lucky they still want to see us, but we’d love some quiet weekends”.

From then on the message “they don’t want us round this weekend, they just want a quiet one” would pass around and we started having to make our own arrangements. We did feel a bit miffed (why wouldn’t they want us round, how boring!) but did as we were told and habits changed.

I fully, fully understand how she felt now though! Just tell them they’ll get it when they’re older 😆

Be careful what you wish for ...
I wouldn't be doing all the cooking - time to tell them it's takeaways (everybody chips in) or all take turns cooking. Even the cooked breakfast thing - if you haven't got the food in, you have to suggest going out for breakfast! You need to reinforce the "my house, my rules" as far as tv goes. After all that, don't be surprised if you see less of them!

I think you just need to be firmer. If someone wants to eat something, then they cook it. If you were planning on doing a workout dvd then you still do that.

Do they ever bring a bottle of wine or other contribution?

Are you the one always expected to cook? Apart from golf what has your partner done?

I can't imagine behaving this way towards my own mum, it's so foreign to me. It just seems so rude.

You need to get tougher on them. It's your house so why are you letting them take over the TV. You should have got up and said sorry, I am doing Yoga this morning as planned. If they are waking you up talking loudly, ask them to have some respect for those still asleep so talk quietly or go out.

Ask them to bring food, ask them to help you cook, lay up etc. Tell them you are away on certain dates so they don't come down. Change the locks - joking before anyone gets arsy.

Some people wouldn't be bothered, but you are, so you need to find a way of dealing with it.

Can you move house? Downsize?

Well if it appears that poor lonely mum is sitting home alone whilst DF is golfing they probably think they are doing you a favour. So my suggestion is you get a life.

Have they ever had boundaries or have you always let them do what they want?!

I'd be texting to say I have plans this wend so please don't come over. I'd also be doing my yoga video and asking for help with the cooking.

They're taking advantage but you're letting them.

It's sad that there is no ability between both parties to say what they want eg, you wanted to do yoga so do it etc.

I agree with others, think very carefully about what you want the next decades to look like...

If you and your dh age honestly very happy with distant dc, fine but otherwise try and find a way to kindly compromise.

I reckon the time has passed beyond the subtle messaging. Just clearly communicate that dinner is their responsibility unless they've been invited for dinner, that they have to give reasonable notice of a visit (outside of an emergency). Really don't think any of that is BU.

Do they tell you in advance that they are coming or just turn up and let themselves in? Do you ask what their plans for the weekend are? Then you have opportunity to set some boundaries. Make plans for yourself at the weekends that means you’re not there all the time to cater to them.

Also, have you cleared out their old rooms, given them their childhood possessions and redecorated their rooms into guest rooms? That's always a clear signal that it's time for everyone to grow up.

If their rooms are still very much their rooms, with the same decor and some of their stuff in, I think they can get too comfortable.

I think you need to tell them that it's not convenient some weekends because you have plans. How much notice do they give you that they're visiting?

Sorry darling, doesn't work for us this weekend because we're seeing the Joneses on Friday night then your Dad and I have visitors.