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Original poster

To wish my kids didn't come over as much

166 replies

Elis123 · 07/04/2024 11:41

I have 2 kids, they are 24 and 26, both have good jobs, live in London seem generally very happy. However I'd say that at least every other weekend, if not more at least one of them come home. Then they eat all the food, take over my TV and somehow still bicker like kids. DD is single but DS has a GF who comes back with him too. I love my kids, but we don't have much to chat about, they always expect me to cook. It's not as bad if it's just one of them but if it's like this weekend it's just like having two teens home. I woke up planning for a quiet morning and they were up chatting loudly over F1 (I was planning to use the TV for a yoga video but that couldn't happen). Then DS begged for a cooked breakfast so I made that, thinking it might encourage them all home early but now DD has put gossip girl on (which frankly she's been watching since she was a teenager and we have all seen every episode of!!!), DS and DH have gone to play golf and I'm feeling like I have to just his GF as we still don't know him all that well.

One weekend a month, with an occasional longer visits and is going to them sometimes would be fine, but it feels like every bloody weekend and they just take over!!

Would I be unreasonable to say, I love you both very much but please can we plan visit better and have them less often?

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 07/04/2024 18:55

DS is at university, and it is hard with him being away. But I would think I had failed as a parent if his social life had to revolve around me

crumblingschools · 07/04/2024 18:53

@Calliopespa are you going to tell your DC that they can’t move away as you will need to see them regularly.

@Vacantstare do you not have other things to do. Do you not have jobs, hobbies, friends that you spend time with?

Calliopespa · 07/04/2024 18:49

AuntieMarys · 07/04/2024 18:37

Mine live 250 miles away and I see them every 2 months. We have busy independent lives and don't live in each others pockets.
I moved away from my parents at 18 back in 1978 and saw them about 4 times a year.

Show quote history

Mine are still young so maybe I’m missing something but the thought of this makes me sad .

AuntieMarys · 07/04/2024 18:37

Vacantstare · 07/04/2024 18:33

You only want to see them once a month? I see my mum every other day albeit she only lives five minutes away but couldn't imagine seeing her once a month!

Just tell them you want to watch TV or that you don't feel up to cooking so they need to sort something out for themselves, but to suggest you see them once a month is quite sad...

Why have children if you want them to be such an infrequent part of your life?!

Mine live 250 miles away and I see them every 2 months. We have busy independent lives and don't live in each others pockets.
I moved away from my parents at 18 back in 1978 and saw them about 4 times a year.

skinnyoptionsonly · 07/04/2024 18:37

Pick a night in the week for family meal night. Say a Wednesday.

They come after work for dinner. At that point you say you aren't able to do the weekend but look forward to seeing them next Wednesday....

If weekend night they might be more inclined to go home?

NoblyBobly · 07/04/2024 18:35

Stop pandering to them!
Carry on with your plans, you are making them too comfortable.

Vacantstare · 07/04/2024 18:33

You only want to see them once a month? I see my mum every other day albeit she only lives five minutes away but couldn't imagine seeing her once a month!

Just tell them you want to watch TV or that you don't feel up to cooking so they need to sort something out for themselves, but to suggest you see them once a month is quite sad...

Why have children if you want them to be such an infrequent part of your life?!

Noicant · 07/04/2024 18:22

Stop cooking for them and tell them you are watching your telly. You can’t enjoy having your kids around because you are not in an adult-adult dynamic. I’m sure your DS gf didn’t want to ditched either.

Runnerduck34 · 07/04/2024 18:01

I gave DC 23 and 24. One at uni one renting with GF, I still have 2 teens at home but I'm really pleased to have them home- seeing my DC all together chatting laughing and even bickering makes my heart sing.
But I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to say I need the TV now to do my yoga or ooh I'd love a cooked breakfast too can you cook me one? As pp have said you are family so can be direct! However it is easy to full into stereotype roles.
I wouldn't tell my DC they can't visit- but I might say me and dad are doing x this weekend.
Eventually they will have other commitments their life will move forward and you will probably see less of them

Calliopespa · 07/04/2024 17:49

LittleWeed2 · 07/04/2024 14:09

Well if it appears that poor lonely mum is sitting home alone whilst DF is golfing they probably think they are doing you a favour. So my suggestion is you get a life.

This was quite unkindly phrased .

Calliopespa · 07/04/2024 17:43

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 07/04/2024 11:47

Just carry on with your plans, they're your children not house guests no need to stand on ceremony.
Right kids TV is mine for half hour I'm doing my yoga, anyone welcome to join, happy for you to cook yourselves breakfast I've got plans this morning to do xyz. It's also not your job to occupy the GF.
I am always welcome at my parents' and in laws but they still go about their business, df cycles or walks/jogs at least 10k a day, he'll say I'm off out anyone want to come? MIL still goes to the stables, DM will say I was planning on going shopping and meeting friend for a coffee, no problem mum see you later shall I cook lunch?

Edited

Yes I agree with this. I think if you tell them not to come as often you may regret it, but equally I think they may be coming more often than they otherwise would because you are basically letting your place be a free indulgent hotel. Who wouldn’t come to watch tv while having a breakfast cooked for them?Just be welcoming mum - then insist on the remote when you want the tv.

Zyq · 07/04/2024 17:41

Then DS begged for a cooked breakfast so I made that

Why didn't you tell him "Fine, if you cook it and replace what you use?"

ncforhusbandstory · 07/04/2024 17:39

Elis123 · 07/04/2024 14:15

I don't want them to stop coming at all, just less often. I want the spare rooms for future grandkids etc.

Show quote history

Well telling them to bugger off reduces the likelihood of them wanting to come when they have kids!
As a PP said you need boundaries. It's your house and they need to follow YOUR schedule.

RazzberryGem · 07/04/2024 17:31

I think it's less about them coming over and more about the boundaries when they're there.

Make it clear that you love them and there are forever welcome buuttt YOU are planning to do yoga at a particular time of day so that's what's happening. They want to watch F1, they can somewhere else. Or if they want to pop over for dinner, they need to let you know in advance so you can plan for it or whatever.

Sounds like that tricky stage where you need to reestablish your role in their adult lives rather than them still being seen as the children in your home.

Nanny0gg · 07/04/2024 17:23

LittleWeed2 · 07/04/2024 14:09

Well if it appears that poor lonely mum is sitting home alone whilst DF is golfing they probably think they are doing you a favour. So my suggestion is you get a life.

I'm quite happy having my house to myself, personally

So if I don't want to go out I don't want to have to do it to stop having a house full

Nanny0gg · 07/04/2024 17:19

OnlyOneAdda · 07/04/2024 12:24

I think be careful what you wish for. If you encourage them to visit less, are less welcoming and indulgent etc that is entirely valid but if it goes completely the other way then you have to live with that. I would want my kids to always feel they are welcome any time and my home is their home no matter what their age.

At the expense of any plans you might have?

Or just wanting to have peace and quiet and slob about in old clothes without worrying about cooking?

No. If there are no definite plans, then at least a courtesy phone call to see if it's convenient

Whatineed · 07/04/2024 17:04

Let them catch you and DH "in flagrante" on the sofa one evening?

Plant some pampas grass in the front garden and keep a fruit bowl for car keys on the coffee table?

Only joking op. Maybe invite them one a month for Sunday dinner and tell them you've cancelled Netflix. 😂

DJQuackers · 07/04/2024 16:53

As much as people want to say "bollocks", "set boundaries" etc, I'd suggest treading lightly as you might find that they'll drift away if you're not careful.

suburburban · 07/04/2024 16:48

I wish mine came more often but they live in other cities

However yours could help out a bit more and being some food or do the cooking

penjil · 07/04/2024 16:43

I can't believe the DC demanded a cooked breakfast and you just went and did it for them?!

This never happened with my parents. There was so way it would happen, so I wouldn't even ask, let alone demand.

I think you were too indulgent with these DC when they were young and loving at home.

It'll be difficult to establish boundaries now!

GauntJudy · 07/04/2024 16:19

When I was on maternity leave and quite lonely I'd pop in on my mum ... then she told me "you can have too much of a good thing." ie stop visiting so much. I must say it stung and I rarely went after that as I felt unwelcome.

So my advice would be to not put it so bluntly!

Im not sure if its their presence you object to, or the way they hog the telly/demand food - either objection is totally understandable, I think a good starting point is to talk more about what you want - to use the telly for yoga, to not cook for others.

SparklyBracelet · 07/04/2024 16:06

I love the company of my oldest son who left home some years ago. He is welcome any time x

JaninaDuszejko · 07/04/2024 16:04

If my teenagers want a cooked breakfast they make it themselves. I think you just need to decide what you're happy with both now and moving forward and then tell your children.

maddening · 07/04/2024 15:45

Gymmum82 · 07/04/2024 12:47

I’d just be less available. Christ my kids are young and live at home but if I want a yoga video on the telly you bet it’s going on. They can go elsewhere in the house while I do it.
As for the cooked breakfast I’d tell him to bloody make it himself!
Your life doesn’t have to stop because the kids are home. Take yourself out for coffee or to the gym or whatever else you enjoy. I would include them in meals but I wouldn’t make anything special just whatever myself and DH were having.

I myself used to go home regularly when I was that sort of age but my parents didn’t martyr themselves for me. If they were out they were out

This! Just take the TV back and tell them to cook for themselves - and tidy up after themselves!

ilovebagpuss · 07/04/2024 15:42

Do you talk to each other like adults? I feel like I could say to my DD 17 "look we love to have you visit but if (insert partner) is coming then you need to include them in your plans" "Don't drop in next weekend kids I am gardening/out with friends/having a quiet one"
"Hi are you dropping in this weekend, if you do please bring a curry/chilli and I will do sides"
Just have a what's app chat.
Personally I would love older kids dropping by but I wouldn't be dropping my plans to be hosting like it's Christmas every time.