To wish my kids didn't come over as much

I hope my DD still wants to come over as often as yours do when she’s older 🥰 it’s a sign you’re a good mum OP.

time to put boundaries in place 😁

My word I don't know anyone who would dare treat their folks like this.

My friend is in his 50s and we visited his DM yesterday and he politely asked if he could use her bathroom before we left.

I think you've been way too lax with them. Perhaps it's time you set up some rules.

I suppose we are wired to want them near when they are little and perhaps that organically changes with time.

I'm another vote for not discouraging them from coming but set boundaries.

They should be cooking you breakfast, don't entertain the gf go out, kick them out of the living room as you want to do your yoga.
If you cook they clean.

I am always welcome in my mums house and have a great relationship but there is no way I get treated like a guest. I cook more then her and have done since my mid -late teens even when I lived at home.

And mum doesn't have to be in her mid 60s either lol. I'm 52, my kids are grown ( the baby is away atuni) but I've now got time for a life of my own that doesn't revolve around them. My eldest lives 250 miles away. We speak regularly but it's a long drive to pop in DD2 pops in but doesn't be watching my TV and can make herself a cuppa.

Cooked breakfast? Sounds lovely but you'll need to go to the corner shop, I haven't got much in. Mine's a bacon sandwich. Tell me when it's ready, I'll be in the garden.

It's not sad...its great! They know mum in her mid 60s is living life to the full and not sitting at home waiting to die.
Equally they are leading great lives, good jobs, have homes, and travel.

Start doing yoga in front of them and stop cooking. Start saying ooh I fancy one too and leave it hanging.

Tell them. You want to do yoga video ask them to move to another room. Tell them to cook their own breakfast

The problem seems to be that they are stuck between expecting to be able to act like kids in their family home, and being special house guests. they are adult children popping in, which is different.

Time to set boundaries. Tell them your schedule. No begging for cooked breakfast - they can make something themselves. It’s your house - your plans come first.

Agree with this. I often used to stay with my dm if I had a work meeting in the area. I was always welcome and I know dm loved to see me but she continued with her life. She’d tell me what time she’d be back, I’d go and let myself in and more often than not say that she couldn’t be arsed with cooking so we were off out! She certainly wouldn’t be up early cooking breakfast for me (although she would always get bacon in in case I fancied it). They are coming to see you but you don’t need to stop your life just because they visit.

You are not the house slave. Just stop.

Oh I hear you sister!

Start getting used to the idea tbh. Loads of 'kids' have to move away and weekly trips back aren't practical. It's no reflection on your parenting or their love for you. It's just life. It's normal.

Why didn’t you tell them that you wanted to watch your yoga video so they’d have to turn of the F1? Why did you make your son a cooked breakfast if you didn’t want to? It sounds like you are letting them walk all over you. Start saying no to their demands and do what you want.

This 100%!!!!!

I'm trying to by sympathetic but at the same time can't help but feel how lucky you are that your adult kids actually choose to spend time with you.

I'm not sure I'd cook on demand if I was busy but I will always have food in the fridge for them to prepare if there's even a chance of them coming. It's my pleasure!

Put down your boundaries and you'll be in a better space to enjoy them.

I'm feeling like I have to just his GF as we still don't know him all that well.

I’m quite sure I follow this bit. What do you mean and who is ‘him’? If your son is bringing his boyfriend round and then going out with your husband, that’s taking the piss-your weekend job isn’t to entertain their other halves! I would ask him why he has bought his partner round for the afternoon to not spend time with them-why wouldn’t they just stay at home?!

I wouldn’t be rude and tell them to come less often, but start by laying some boundaries. If they ask for a cooked breakfast, say, ‘why don’t you do this at your own house?! If you do want to do it here, I’ll have xyz but you’re cooking it and washing up! I’m not your servant!’

I love my kids/parents but unless you’re visiting them (to spend time with them) you ‘hang out’ in your own house, don’t you?!

I’d be saying that-is your sofa really uncomfortable or something, you’re here again!? I need the telly for yoga at 10, so I’m going to have to shoo you all out, I’m afraid.

I’d start inviting them for particular things as well-come for a bbq on Saturday at 4 or a roast on Sunday at 2, to avoid this situation.

Oh gosh.. one day they will stop coming... and then you will realise how much you miss them coming . Don't stop them coming.. it's lovely to think they can come home whenever and feel comfy.
If you don't want to cook .. don't .
Personally l love my family n Grandkids coming.. we all chip in to cook.. they can have anything they want.. l go to theirs a lot and they cook for me.

They are your kids!!! You set the tone, they follow. If you 'allow' all of this carry on it will not end.

Yabu, I think they must have been raised to some extent to think this is ok. At those ages all my siblings and I moved out, but if we came home unexpectedly we were only too happy to bring over some food/ take my dp's out to eat/treat them. If my dp's knew we were coming over they made sure they had something good prepared- no expectations of them. Probably just our culture.

As two fully grown adults, why not bring this up with them. That's probably why they are so inconsiderate if you can't even call them out on it.

They'll move away if they want. My mum can't understand why my brother chose the furthest university possible from home or why I went abroad. She complains that her sister's dc all stayed locally. Crucially, it's because they LIKE their mum!

I think the OP is massively enabling her dc, immediate yes to anything they want. No need for nastiness, but definitely firm 'I'm doing yoga, you make dinner if you're coming over and BTW, you're bringing the ingredients/wine.' She's letting them behave like young teens, not adults.

Yes, I’m trying to imagine what my DF and PIL would have said if we’d carried on like this!!
OP, you did to be a bit more assertive! My DS23 doesn’t get to dictate what’s on TV, for example, and he doesn’t expect a restaurant service. Just tell them that’s not happening.

If you're coming home this weekend please note we're having a takeaway, please make sure you can send over your bill. I'll need the tv from 8-9am for yoga. I'll be out in the afternoon seeing friends.

If you fancy leaving it til next weekend I'm happy to do a family meal once a month, but more than that you'll all have to contribute as the col has driven our combined shopping up. Please be mindful that I and your dad like our choices of the tv occasionally and we also sometimes have plans too!

No I’m not. But it just forced me to rattle forward to the future and it felt a bit sad.