To wish my kids didn't come over as much

Nope. I never go without notice. We do visit often, however, as they love having us over. Sometimes I get busy and they call to moan that they ‘never’ see us.

Yesterday I took my mom to church, my dad stayed home and made dinner, so for dinner they had me, my daughter and my 2 nephews who are with me for the holidays.

Next week she may not be in the mood for any of us, and she will let us know. Or I’ll call to go over and she’ll say nope, not today/this week you won’t.

They come to mine too.

Time to sit down and have a chat!
Things aren’t going to change unless you instigate it I’m afraid.
let them come home one week end a month. Tell them they need to contribute to food chores etc.
Time for them to grow up.

Doesn't mean she has to be taken the piss out of for the rest of her life

I think the problem here is they are treating you like a hotel!! It's just rude. have a slightly light hearted chat with them? guys my parenting days are over, you are welcome to come over but Im stopping the cooking/ cleaning - and make yourself unavailable for a few weekends.

So the default is that you go whenever you feel like it and she has to actively tell you not to?

And until you decide one way or the other, they don't know?

No it isn't!

How old are your children?

At what point are we allowed to get our lives back and do exactly what we want to do (even if it's nothing) when we want' to do it, without worrying about anyone else?

I don't just turn up at my children's homes demanding bacon and egg and the telly. Why should they do it to me?

I've been a parent for 45+ years and then a GP. Don't you think I've done my time?

Love them dearly but on mutually agreed time

Start declaring it their treat when they come “home” or just oh fantastic I didn’t feel like cooking steaks in the fridge bring us a glass while your in there too.

At what point do you expect them to be of an age where you won't see them that often?

Or will you be in your 80s and still seeing your kids every day?

Ooooo, this is a tough one. My parents love when we descend like this and my dad is always happy to have people to cook for, so my mom provides the balance.

When she’s not in the mood she will call and tell us she’s not receiving anyone this week etc. We also know what she’s watching and when, so children and grandchildren have to watch around her.

Part of having a good relationship is being honest, so speak to them next time they’re round to lay down some ground rules around visits and expectations.

So we should never expect our offspring to be fully independent? A parent never has the right to a life of their own, even when their children are grown adults and don't live with them any more?

Bollocks!

YANBU!

DS just asked me if I would make him a sandwich for lunch while I was downstairs making a cup of tea. I told him I was working, wasn't having lunch until a bit later and he could make his own sandwich or wait and I'd make two sandwiches when I made mine.

he's 13.

I think the problem you have is that they're coming home AND still acting like small children. I'm nearly 50 and am still welcome at my parents' house whenever I like. BUT... I'm expected to accomodate any existing plans they have, be considerate etc. I don't turn up, flop on the couch and wait to be served.

Sounds like they’ve done well to move out in London at their ages. So they’re either paying massive mortgages or a fortune in rent presumably?

Which maybe means they’re a bit skint and welcome a few meals at mum and dads. Mine are the same. One local who we see a lot, the other less so as she’s moved away.

We did this with our presents when we were in our twenties, and ongoing at different times.

They lived in an area where we loved the walks, beaches etc, and we had a great relationship, very easy going and comfortable.

BUT we cooked our own breakfasts, often cooked dinner and recognised that our parents’ tv choices trumped ours!

I am quite sad that I won’t have the same big comfy house for everyone to pile into for family Christmas etc.

Well, you are giving in to their every demand, so no wonder you're finding it stressful. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Do the yoga, don't cook breakfast, don't entertain the girlfriend etc.

If they are still treating your house like their home, then they don't need to be looked after. Only guests are looked after once children are capable of living independently.

Or treat them like guests which means they only come when it has been agreed in advance by you.

My 23 year old still lives with me but I don't actively 'look after' her. She does her own thing and asks if she needs a favour. If I cook a family meal I know she likes, I ask if she wants some. Otherwise she sorts out her own meals.

My mum was an excellent mum but I wouldn’t have dreamed of turning up and slobbing in front of Gossip Girl while she waited on me, even at 18 never mind 26!

Or if she continues to indulge they’ll continue to take the piss when/if they have children too and expect full time childcare and sleepovers every other weekend.

Do you think the ADULT offspring would appreciate their mother rocking up, eating their food and hanging out in their space every bloody weekend?

The early Christmas meal is a great idea. So many threads pop up with angst about Christmas, who is going where, ILs don’t don’t like turkey , ILs only like turkey etc etc. Something that ought to be a special day seems to become charged with tension because people are often too invested or torn in too many directions. I often think why make the particular day matter to the point of undermining it, when the point is to enrich life and relationships not wreck them.

I love it when my adult DC comes home for a weekend. I love it even more if all 3 come at once. Sadly that only happens very occasionally. I do an early Xmas meal the second week of December and they all come then. On real Xmas I'm invited to one of their houses and they cook for me. If they arrived unexpectedly if I had plans I'd tell them. My DS's both liked cooking and when they come they will often cook for me. Freeing me up to play with my 2 DGS's. DH and I go out for a meal most weekends so if they don't tell me they are coming I'll be going out.

Adult DC moving away doesn’t mean you are not a good mum or they don’t like you, it can be a sign that you have given them wings to be independent. Also it isn’t good to be a parent that expects their DC to come home so regularly.

If you have a social life or just want some time in the house to yourselves it is good to have a few boundaries in place. Not put them off coming but if you want to do yoga, for example, then tell them. If a weekend isn’t convenient tell them, but arrange another time they can come or you can go to theirs. Maybe they can host once in awhile

Why can't you say 'hey guys I want the tv to do yoga so scoot'
Or 'I'll cook breakfast but one of you can do dinner tonight'.
Or 'sorry we have plans this weekend so no visiting'.
Stop being a doormat!