Divorcing a teacher

@JennyTalworts no they don't, the house should be sold

Hi

He's conflating two issues here.

1. child arrangements - it is reasonable for you to request proper holiday time with your children during school hols. In my case, as a teacher, we had 50-50 for school holidays BUT my ex was pretty hopeless at booking any actual hols or arranging time off so the reality was my (admittedly older) children were with me most of the time. I had to put in a request to CMS to ensure his contributions reflected this. Maybe you could have a fixed 2 week holiday with them and then one week juggling WFH/ TOIL or even dependent leave with a mix of holiday club - something they would enjoy doing with friends to give you work time. They do need down time too, ie just hanging at home and not being away.

Also note that it is common to have different arrangements for term time and school hols. If your ex is a typical overworked teacher working 60-70 hours a week in term there is little chance they can do school runs, be there if a child is ill, do after school routines and activities. Can you? If you can then you might effectively be the default primary care term time. If you went to court they would look at what serves the children best and mirrors current arrangements.

2. financial arrangements- staying in the family home. This comes down to whether your joint assets and mortgage borrowing capacity are enough to house you both reasonably (by that I mean purchase not rent) so as to provide stability for your children (proximity to schooling would be key for example). It is extremely unlikely any judge would expect you to rent indefinitely whilst your share of the equity is tied up in the family home for so long (young children still) unless your ex can buy you out? A mesher order is rarely awarded now and only usually if children have additional needs or are much older, ie hitting exam years so it would be time limited. You would need to look at all your assets/ pensions/ equity and income potential to assess this.

It seems insane that you have free and available childcare by the child’s own father for school holidays, avoiding any worries about getting a/l or finding clubs and paying for them, and you don’t want it!

of course they should stay with their dad rather than go to paid childcare! You’d really not let them spend time with him when they get chance?

make it work to your advantage. You have no worries about holiday care, use your a/l to benefit your time with the kids. You can have 2 full weeks to go away in the summer, you can negotiate Christmas and new year around your time off.

the family home is a different issue. Are there enough assets for both of you to purchase a home?

I'm torn on the holidays thing, but he is 100% BU to expect to be the one keeping the family home for that reason, unless there are other factors at play. Who instigated the divorce, was it mutual or did you decide to leave him? Is there possibly an element of him punishing you for splitting with him?

I don't think it's fair to keep them from their dad just to put them in full-time childcare. If he's around and wants to have them, then he should. You could do weekends and an occasional overnight instead.

That being said, him having the majority of the holidays shouldn't necessarily mean he has more rights to the family home either.

He will be working some of the holidays.

Id watch the Christmas one more than the summer one.

See a solicitor and don’t agree anything at this stage.

Well one parent has to stay in the home.

Why should it automatically be the OP?

I am not saying that this is the case with your Husband but its not unknown for men to suddenly become Dad of the year who insists on 50/50 after a split to avoid paying any maintenance. It happened to a couple of my friends.
Of course NAMLT but it does happen

My exh is a teacher. He won't even have our dc 50% of the school holidays, it's more like 40%. I use the majority of my annual leave for the holidays but I still don't have enough to cover the 60%, so the dc go to holiday club or my mum sometimes. I think it's quite sad that he won't have them when he isn't working, particularly as my dc aren't a huge fan of clubs.

Has your husband always had them in the school holidays without you? Is he a good parent? If the answer to either of these questions is no, you might find that he changes his mind. The 6 weeks with small kids can be hard work with no breather. What does he teach, aren't most teachers working at least some of the holidays?

Or, you could compromise and say that when you are working, he could look after them for the day but they come back to you in the evening?

He should only stay in the marital home if he can afford to buy you out so that you can buy another property and you’d be ok with that.

I think that you should request at least 2 whole weeks of the summer (including weekends) so that you can take them away. I’m surprised that he won’t want the same tbh. I would also want half terms to be 50/50 (if you have the days to take)

I think that most kids would prefer being with a parent than going to a club.

Personally I think that most of the school
holidays won’t last once he’s dating and wants to socialise during the week.

Also what’s the plan when the kids are ill term time ? He can’t opt out of parenting like the male teachers on here seem to do.

No OP I would be sticking with 50/50 week on week off. Otherwise you will be paying CMS too and he will probably have a case for staying in the home. There are plenty of fun summer courses, daily tennis camps etc they can do whilst you are working in the holidays.

Are you able to WFH at all?

Whatever ever you do, make sure you take into account his teachers' pension when you divide up assets. Many many women lose out because they don't realise the value of their husband's pension.

AIBU to think that even if I have to use childcare, it's not fair on the kids to be separated from me for the whole of holidays (excdept for weekends).

It kind of depends on the wider picture. Do the kids have a good relationship with their Dad? Do you have any concerns about the way he parents? How do you think your dc would feel? Do they have separation anxiety, or are they happy to be left with him? If there are no other concerns, I would say they’d probably be far happier with their Dad, than in any childcare provision all day.

He is also arguing this is reason for him to stay in family home and for me to rent somewhere.

Why would he expect you to move out, if you’re going to have the children the majority of the time? It’ll still be their home, and presumably close to school, etc. Not a good move for them or you, to be in rented accommodation, I wouldn’t have thought. Much more sensible to keep the children’s lives as stable as possible, and for them to stay in the family home with you.

Given that you're a teacher/non teacher couple, it would make sense to have different arrangements in the holidays to term time.

Could you have them for 4-5 weeks of school holidays a year and then some extra days during term time to make it 50:50 across the whole year?

He is being unreasonable. He also needs to start being reasonable if he wants the sort of flexibility that might benefit both of you and the kids in the medium term.

I would recommend: custody split as it would be regardless of profession. Eg 50:50. During school holidays, if he would like to book with you to have the children for day trips then he is very welcome to, as long as he is reliable about saying which dates he wants ahead of you booking childcare. This would operate much like it does for many families who receive grandparental help. He would not get the children over night on your days. Nor would he get pay or reduce maintenance as a result of having extra time with the kids. When they are teenagers this might morph into going off doing exciting away trips, but they are still very young.

Being a teacher clearly does not give him preferential use of the family home. Divorce is expensive and the house is the major asset in most marriages. You will clearly both need a deposit to buy your own property.

I wouldn’t want my DD away from me for all of the school holidays, but I also wouldn’t choose for her to go to childcare instead of being with her Dad.

Could DC be with dad during the day in school holidays and you have them after you’ve finished work (I guess same set up as if you were picking them up from childcare), obviously you’ll have to agree that some of the holidays will be your days, which you’d then book off work to spend time with them.

It does seem to make sense for them to spend holidays with dad and see you on the weekend…and you take your annual leave as you normally would and spend it with them.

Gently, it isn’t unfair on the DC to stay with dad and see you at weekends. I think this is more upsetting for you than it will be for them.

Whilst it would be fairer to have more of a balance, it makes no sense to me that you don’t want to be apart from them but will then have to send them to a childminder during your time with them instead of having them stay with their dad. No judgment at all on having to use childcare, but seeing as you’ll have to spend some time apart for work anyway, why not let them be with their dad instead?

I think split it so that you have a couple of weeks in summer, etc, but this sounds like you would be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

But I think we should just keep to alternative weeks and that if i need to use summer clubs then fine. They like clubs with all their friends from school more than sitting at home all day. But perhaps i'm letting emotion cloud my judgement
I think it sounds petty to put your children in holiday clubs when their other parent is available and wants to parent them.

Him having all the holidays and wanting the family home is unreasonable, but I do think you're letting emotion cloud your judgement here.

Also don't agree to anything or throw anything out without help ie mediation. And make sure you get the time to really think about how the set up works for you and your children. This is a long term change.

Do they go to holiday clubs at the moment then, even though he is a teacher?

Could he not have them in the holidays for any time you can't take off and you have them overnight one night in those weeks ? Will probably only work if you are living close to each other but at least would mean they won't go all week without seeing you. They are pretty young to be separated from either of you for long periods. House sold and divided is best for a clean break.

I don't think it's unreasonable for their dad to have them in the holidays if he wants them. I would calculate how much leave you get and how much that would cover of the schools hols

I don't see why he should stay in the house for this reason. Sounds like the house will need to be sold and money divided

I think it's fine to stick to 50/50 if your children like clubs. Even more so if he then thinks that means he gets the family home (although this is a seperate issue, try not to get your hand forced on this or let it cloud your judgement on what is the best balance)

You probably are, and that's understandable.

Maybe time for some mediation.