Divorcing a teacher

What he’s saying does make sense. That way he’ll get to spend quality time with them, and you get quality time at the weekends. This is provided he’s a dad who will actually do stuff with them. Of course, you should get some weeks with them when you have annual leave during school holidays, and alternate Christmas/special occasions (or whatever works best there).

That certainly doesn’t mean he gets to stay in the family home whilst you rent though! That should be determined by your finances (do you need to sell so you can both buy separately), who can afford to take it on themselves, what will the term time arrangements be etc.

Sounds like a great and well thought out arrangement. Do/did your kids really miss you over a whole week apart?

I didn’t mean to offend but I stand by my comment. Two young children spending time with their dad is preferable to being in a kids club all day. The ‘children like clubs’ I also question, as I doubt they are currently being put in clubs for a week at a time now if their dad is at home. Enjoying an after school club is very different to having to go for full days for a week.
In my job I sadly see lots of parents putting their needs or point scoring above their children’s needs when separating.
I think OP could also organise it so that she has them for tea or overnight etc but they’re still with dad during mum’s working day. Between them they could make it work for everyone.
The family home is completely separate and needs to be treated as such.

Why could you not pick them up from your ex at night. Like you would from childcare. It’s unreasonable to put them in childcare when they have a parent that wants them. It doesn’t mean they have to stay overnight every night though. There can be a middle ground.

50/50 is fair and works enabling both parents equal access and time to focus on their own jobs and careers

50/50 doesn't have to mean alternate weeks, though. It could mean he gets more of the holidays, but she gets more weekends through the year.

If he's off during the school holidays and wants to have his children, it comes across as quite unpleasant to deliberately keep them from him only to put them in full-time childcare.

Even if you are currently going through mediation, get yourself to a solicitor who can advise on how the courts will want to see your finances split. Personally I would pay for a full hour rather than find one who offers a free 30 minutes- you need time to get all the details discussed. Get 3 valuations on the house and get your self a mortgage broker and know yyourborrowing potential. Get details of all your joint and individual savings, pensions and debts ready for the appointment. Divorce is an admin he'll.
He's following the script, he won't actually want the hassle of many many weeks of childcare long term, he's just trying to shit you up.

I agree with him or at least to have them during the day.

Much better to be looked after my a parent where possible.

So here is what we did and it works for both of us.

We each have the kids every other week. We chose a weekday rather than a weekend for swapover as that means we both get full weekends with them and can e.g. book a trip away.

Half-term holidays we each have the same arrangement.

Two-week holidays (Easter and Christmas) we each do a full week. Summer, we split into 3 weeks each. Sometimes consecutive, sometimes 1 week on/off, then 2 weeks in a row. That depends on whether we have booked holidays.

ExH has more time off than I do due to his holidays, so when I am working and he is at home, he has the children for school drop off and pick-up. I then collect them after work and take them to him in the mornings.

Likewise, if I am off when he is working (or is, say, on a school trip), I will do the same.

It works out as roughly 50/50. Neither of us pay CM and we split childcare in half.

The house is a separete issue - I let him pay me off my half of the money I'd invested and used it for a house deposit of my own. It meant we had one house still well within catchment of the kids' schools; something you will both have to consider. He didn't have any more right to the house than I did, but it meant that the divorce was more amiacnle than a drawn-out battle would have been and in hindsight with interest rates as they are now, I am glad I let him keep it.

@JennyTalworts no I don't think it is anymore. Most couples when divorcing can't afford for the matrimonial home to be kept and to buy / afford another home on top that the other partner can live in and have their children visit them at. I don't think courts will consider it's fair to make one partner perpetually rent for best part of the next decade.

She'd have them every weekend and would be working during the week anyway.

Each get half the holidays

@Strictly1 I find your comment offensive.

Let me tell you why:

1. I put women and kids first, I'm a feminist and no not the liberal version. I want OP to make sure she isn't setting herself up for being railroaded and financially penalised

2. OP said the kids like clubs

3. 50/50 is fair and works enabling both parents equal access and time to focus on their own jobs and careers

4. My partner and his ex has 50/50 of their DS it's worked really well for many years and this is the starting position in most divorces.

I’d take 2 weeks in summer holidays and a week at Easter, alternate Christmas. Would you be able to condense your hours into 4 days in school holidays so that you could have them Thursday night until Sunday night or Monday morning?
Who is going to cover PD days? I’d be wanting those split fairly too.
The house is a separate issue.

So he is arguing for having the children through the week in the holidays when he is off work and you are working, then you have them at weekends when neither of you is working? So basically you are either working or doing childcare all the time, apart from when you are using your own leave to take the children away (or have them with you at home)?

I would say that given the differential in your leave allowances it would make more sense to divide the number of days off over the year (including weekends) between you - 50/50 if you agree that's fair, or differently if you both feel that as he has more time off it is sensible for him to have them more often, as probably happened when you were together. As they get older it will be more a case of them staying overnight than needing actual care a lot of the time - the days of needing to be fully supervised all day don't last very long. Even though there has to be a parent on the premises at all times, from the age of 10 or so children can usually amuse themselves and play in the garden/at friends' houses etc. I would definitely have it agreed that the arrangements are renegotiated every couple of years to take this into account.

I agree that who stays in the family home is a separate issue.

Why? The kids are going to go through enough upheaval without having to move out of their home too.

The 'norm' during a divorce is that one parent stays in the family home with the kids until they leave full time education, isn't it?

It's seperate to who gets the house though.

If one parent is available to look after the kids they should have first refusal

Mine like holiday clubs too but being with their dad doesn't mean they can't also go to holiday clubs as well - it just means they can do it more flexibly, can do some of the shorter hours ones or half days, and it also would be handy when they are in the awkward tweenage years where they are too old for most forms of childcare

You don’t say what job you do and whether you have complete flexibility with holidays.

I would suggest you take
Easter week - either week (4 days holiday plus bank holiday)
spring bank week (4 days holiday plus bank holiday)
Christmas one week-(4 days holiday plus bank holiday)
August bank holiday week (4 days holiday plus bank holiday)
two other summer weeks- maybe the part week they break up/ go back and one other week approx 8 days

that way you get a chunk of the holidays with them. He can then have the rest of the holidays and you have the weekends those weeks- could you work longer days those weeks for example and accrue time of in lieu?

my son loved holiday clubs (sport based mainly) so some depends on the children. He went even when I didn’t work sometimes as he’d want to go and see his friends.

No way can he just have all the school holidays though- when do you get time with them away from the grind?

Is no one reading what OP has written? Her kids like holiday clubs and would prefer to go there than be at home

I've read it, but if their dad wants to have them then he should be able to, IMO.

If this was about a man insisting on using full-time childcare instead of letting the children be with their mum while she was off work, I'm sure there would be uproar.

Doesn’t seem that unreasonable to unfairly split the holidays . You could have 2 weeks in summer, one and Christmas and Easter and still have enough AL to split the half terms a bit. Do you get bank holidays on top of your 25 days? I assume he wants 50:50 term time so he gets more overall and therefore CM and the “family home”. I would be aiming for a 50:50 split, even with an uneven holiday split and splitting assets. The kids are tiny - it feels messy to have to have one parent in a joint asset for 13 years (unless one can buy the other out?)

Is no one reading what OP has written? Her kids like holiday clubs and would prefer to go there than be at home. Mine are the same and so was I as a child - no clubs but bored rigid stuck at home and desperate to get back to school! Considering that preference, there is no reason why the holidays can't be split between parents. Dad won't have to pay for childcare on his weeks, mum will (though obviously she can use annual leave for some of it), fair enough.

Cynically, it sounds like dad is engineering things so he can keep the house and claim maintenance from OP. Oh yes, and have every weekend free to please himself. He might change his tune in a year or so when he realises he can't go on holiday with his new girlfriend because he has his kids every weekend ...

I mean if he's free it makes sense he'd look after the kids presumably that's what would happen if you were together?

I don't understand his reasoning for having the family house. I am assuming you'll have them more during term time so why would he feel more in need of the family house?

Isn’t this what men are frequently accused of? Not what’s best for the children but what will reduce money exchanging hands.