Divorcing a teacher

Honestly ( and sorry that I have to say it, because I understand it's probably a bit of a gut reaction towards dh), I don't think children should have to be put into childcare just because mum does not want dad to have more holiday time. It is a bit selfish. SO technically your kids have the same amount of leave as you do. only 25 days for example. The rest of the time they go to school or have to go to childcare because you are working. Less downtime for them. And lets be honest for a second. Clubs are hard to wrangle when you work. Have you seen the many many many single mum threads saying 'summer club is from 9 -3, how am I expected to pick up my kids? I work.' So clubs won't be a good option. It will be wrap around childcare, which again that means a 5 year old has less downtime. It is stressfull to be in a social setting for 8 hours a day, that's why we see kids' behaviour are normally a bit 'worse' straight after school. They're letting off steam, because they had to be perfect for the whole day.
I am sorry because I understand that on the surface it is seems unfair, but it is a selfish thing to do. Take the amount of time that you have leave for and be gracious about the fact that they can spend their holidays on little morning outings or disney movies in bed with dad. It can always be revisited when they are older.

I've not read the whole thread so apoliges if I'm repeating others.

The devil, as they say is in the details.
You could insist that a weekend is defined as Friday, when you finish work (3 or 4pm) until Monday morning before you start working.
So you will then have 3 nights to his 4, with such young children you could suggest you wish to pick them up and see them in Wednesday evening.

Obviously if you take 2 weeks off work, and wish to have the children the full 14 days, you should allow him an equal 14 days straight.

Christmas and Easter holidays have bank holidays you can utilise to increase your non working days and half term one weekend plus 2/3 days off in the week.

If you try to look passed your emotions, which I appreciate is difficult at this stage, you should be able to find a solution that gives you plenty of holiday time.

Is he planning to have them at all during term time weekdays?

House and holiday arrangements are completely separate imo.

Why not take 10 days in SH and then 2-3 weekends where you take fri/mon off so you have 4 full days? Will still leave 10 days for Christmas and Easter and you'll get BH on top.

Im in the minority here but I think it depends on who does the majority of the caregiving day to day. If that’s you then it should be you that has them and DH on weekends or EOW. With regards to holidays you can split it and then use holiday clubs for the rest like the majority of other people do. I work PT and my DC still do holiday clubs because they can provide a range of actives myself and Ex DP I couldn’t do ourselves and it’s good for kids to have social interaction and opportunity to mix with other kids. There’s no reason why the majority of the time needs to be spent in the holidays with either parent if you can afford the odd week in holiday clubs. Don’t agree to anything without legal advice verbally or on paper/electronic communication with regards to living agreements until you have.

Edit - Ive just seen your last update which I missed and if he’s never had a problem with holiday clubs until now he’s working this for his own gain and not in their best interests which would be to not change their routine any more than it needs to when something as big as a divorce is happening. Your workload doesn’t sound like it’s so excessive that your kids would be negatively impacted by them living with you most of the time as it sounds as you do the majority of the day to day. Definitely don’t agree to move out and rent, you would leave yourself with no financial security which you deserve. The non main care giver shouldn’t reside in the house with the children, it should be sold and split.

Good luck arguing with a teacher! I do think mediation is needed so your views can be heard.
I don't think it is fair for him to have the house and this needs discussed legally. If you work you are contributing to the family and just because he perhaps earns more does not mean he is entitled to keep the house.
Definitely seek mediation and legal advice as in my experience teachers think they are always right.

You should definitely get some holiday time with your kids. And I can't see how he should be entitled to the family home, at all.

I'd go 50/50 and tell him what happens when the kids are with you isn't his concern, same as when they are with him

I get what he's saying about why pay for childcare when he's off anyway. However you are divorcing him so your finances will no longer be his problem.

Why are you considering sharing custody? I'd tell him to go to Hell and rinse him in the divorce. Unlikely he will get the house.

Can you use dependants leave to make 50/50 holidays? At least for the first year or two?

Exactly - it's just called being a parent!

As he's a teacher, it makes perfect sense for the DH to cover the majority of the holidays. OP can then take some annual leave, have the weekends and maybe offer to have them the occasional evening in the week too.

Seems perfectly fair to me, and it's exactly what would be suggested if OP was the teacher and her husband was the one with less annual leave.

I'd stick to 50:50 one week on and one week off. But let him know you'd be willing to swap his weekend days for weekdays on your weeks.

So for summer holidays, he can have them for 3 weeks, you take AL for 2. Then you put them in camps for 1 week (which is fine and not horrible for the kids - mine would like it!) OR if dad wants to swap his weekend days with the kids for your weekdays then he can.

He can't just have ALL holidays. When are you meant to take your AL then? Kids can't be pulled out of school for holidays/fun days with mum. Plus there are bank holidays where you won't need to use AL.

I'm glad someone said this!

The OP has her children every day at the moment and I'm sure she doesn't view that as 'childcare'.

It's not up to him how you cover your time with the dc .. he is just trying to control you .. /them.. in any other scenario most threads would say its up to each parent how the manage the childcare in their time...

Off the top of my head can think of at least 3 alternatives that are not clubs!! My dc really liked clubs too so we did a mixture even though shock horror i was at home!

Eg You could use parental leave, you could have a nanny, your next partner could be a teacher, you could be made redundant or wfh etc etc..

My mum was a teacher ... My dad took leave , took us to see his family we stayed there he came and picked us up after a week.or so.. He was crap but my aunt was lovely and we got to know our cousins...
At first mum found it hard but eventually used that time to have a break herself/see friends etc..
There's many ways of managing holiday..
Just propose what you want and go to mediation....
You're getting divorced he doesn't call the shots anymore...

Looking after your own children isn't childcare.

If a man was complaining about that, he'd be torn to shreds.

If I were you, I would ask for 3 weeks summer, 1 week at Easter and 1 at Christmas, the other half terms are pretty much weather dependent and I wouldn't feel I was massively missing out. That would use your 5 weeks and you would have almost half of summer which is where you can do lovely stuff and then at least one of the weekends in the other holidays. I understand what you are saying and I feel I wouldn't miss out so much if this were the case and is a compromise to both as I agree with your ex that if he is free and you are not, then it makes sense for him to look after them, especially if he is a proactive dad. Don't forget you may also have to cover upto 10? inset days between you too.
House is different story.

If you are having them for weekends in the holidays then he'll still have a fair amount of 'me time', so it doesn't surprise me that it's changed his view. I would definitely argue for some of the time with you: maybe 2 weeks of the summer plus some of Easter and Christmas.

Treat the house and finances as separate. It seems unlikely that it would be fair for him to keep the house unless he can essentially buy you out, but if it's 50/50 or close to that over the year then I don't see how he could argue that really.

I think a regular pattern is better for the children. If they are with you most of term time but then him for 6 weeks they may well get home sick.
Most teachers I know have to work some of the holidays.
Also this should be separate from making sure you are both adequately housed.

So get a calendar and do the maths. Using summer hood as an example, he has them for 20 days mon- Fri for 4 weeks. You have them for 2 weeks (14 days) plus 3 weekends when he has them )therefore 20 days.

Then look at how the rest of the year can be worked out for holidays and term time, and consider some of that parental
Leave to help you whilst they are younger.

Just to give people a heads up they CAN say "no not this week, but the week after" so you need to ask as far as advance as possible

You can, if your choose, look for unpaid parental leave. You could also ask about maintenance during that period.

If you dont want to give up all holidays you dont have to. Talk to your solicitor and have a goal and options in mind.

Depending on where he lives, kids may not want to be away from friends, they may want some holiday clubs, you might want to go on holiday with them, grandparents might want extra time.

He is asking for what's easiest for him, dont forget you have a negotiating position. He cant just expect to divorce and have kids around his job. It's not unreasonable for him to have responsibility for paying for childcare on his weekdays, same as you can cover it on some of your half term days.

I agree with him

50/50 doesn't have to mean alternate weeks, though. It could mean he gets more of the holidays, but she gets more weekends through the year.

Ok so OP gets to work all week then childcare more weekends.

This is not fair.

They used to go to clubs during holidays even though H is teacher to give him some 'me time'. He now says he doesn't want this 'me time' & he is happy to have them Monday - Friday for the whole 6 weeks.

With this arrangement though, he'd presumably get his "me-time" at weekends while you had the children, and you'd get yours in the evenings during the week?

CN you afford to take unpaid parental leave OP also if you wanted it? Every parent is entitled to 18weeks unpaid leave for childcare up to the age of 18 and a maximum of 4 weeks per child per year.

Lots of parents are finding this helpful to supplement a further say 2 weeks off per year that negates the need for holiday clubs. It's statutory as well so your employer can't say no.

It sounds like you need to consider living arrangements at the same time as child custody, presumably you both jointly own the house so one needs to buy out the other and if neither can afford to do that then the house has to be sold.

Which could have an impact on how the children are co-parented both now, and as they grain independence.

Two more things: You have a man happy to have his children with him and spend time with them. However you see the man right now, value that (one of my children has a completely absent father, so I do value my exH for that).

And don't go down the court-issued contact route unless you absolutely have to. It takes away flexibility, and you will need that as your kids get older.