Divorcing a teacher

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon sadly you can't make a disinterested parent do anything that they don't deem important and it's always the DC that suffer

hope he enjoys doing all the admin shit that you currently do, during his 50/50 time...

as that is what HE wants

@MarioBrothers what you have just said is why I didn't agree to 50/50 because I knew I would still be doing everything and having to chase him for money towards this or that and didn't feel he would support financially any clubs/activities they wanted to do and I just didn't want to continue with that level of communication with him as I knew it would cause me a lot of stress. I think in my case the fact he got to court and couldn't show how he could support 50/50 with his work was the nail in the childcare split argument though.

I don't think there's a way round that, it's the reality in most cases I expect.

I don't really agree with 50/50 for that reason (nor am I convinced it's right for the children in many cases).

But unless there is a huge disparity in income that can't be improved by the 'poorer' parent working more why would they give one party significantly more than the other? I had the same expectation as you ie you have them more you get a greater split and court didn't agree...although court is so fickle and dependent on what judge you get if you go through the whole process, so there will be a whole host of people with different outcomes but similar scenarios and no solicitor will be able to guarantee what the outcome will be, hence them always saying 'the starting point is 50/50 financially' because judges are a law unto themselves.

Could he have them in the day time but bring them back to sleep at yours once you’ve finished work for part the time?

It doesn't work like that unless there are not enough funds to adequately house both families. If there are enough funds (in the courts eyes) then you can have 70-80% care and the other 20-30% and the split of finances can still be around 50/50 so that there is no massive disparity between homes available to the dc and also as I guess it is thought that maintenance should help even out the expenses of having the dc more. If you have them 50/50 then no maintenance will be paid by either party (unless ridiculously high earner...so not a teacher 😆) as expenses are supposed to be the same.

My sister was in a similar situation. She is the teacher. They agreed that:
Christmas - 1 week each
Easter - 1 week each
Christmas - 3 weeks each (2 annual leave for her dh). His remaining week, she is the “childcare” - he drops them off in the morning and collects after work, just like he would a club.
Half terms - dsis 2 weeks, exh 1 week.

If in his weeks, he can’t take the full week for any reason (he always takes a minimum of 3 days for the week) then she is the “childcare” again. He just has to let her know way in advance.

It works really well. She is more than happy as she gets the extra time in the day and he doesn’t feel like he’s missing out.

Surely the children's needs are paramount.

They have, it seems, a father who loves them and wants to spend time with them - he is their father and they have every right to spend as much time with him as their mum. The children's right to seeing both parents equally isn't a bartering game for parents. Custody arrangements should be in the children's interests - not used as revenge against one parent.

The financial agreement when divorcing needs to be fair, based in the financial situation of both parties taking into account the children's welfare too. It shouldn't be about revenge.

Just going to wade in here and say that my friend (the father) took his ex wife to court over contact issues, one of which was she was prioritising clubs over the father caring for his child when he was trying to arrange contact.
Judge was very clear that clubs come second to a parent who’s free to look after their own kid(s).

My DC used to regard holiday club as a treat, not "childcare". They had a busy day doing an activity they'd chosen and be taken home nicely tired out and ready for tea, with several hours left to hang out with parents (XH and I were together then) and siblings before bed. The way some posters are talking you'd think the OP would be sending the poor sprogs off to boarding school in what's supposed to be their holidays.

Re the house, when I divorced some 16 years ago the starting assumption was a 50-50 split, provided there was enough equity for a reasonable deposit and affordable mortgage for each of us. The court deemed there was no reason to depart from this in our case. I'm not sure why a pp suggested OP should go for at least 70% of the equity, given that she is apparently the higher earner? Unless that's in expectation of being negotiated down.

The 'norm' during a divorce is that one parent stays in the family home with the kids until they leave full time education, isn't it?

Not necessarily, unless one parent can buy the other out to some extent - or make a different financial arrangement.
Often the house needs to be sold or bought out in order for both, or the other, parent to get themselves somewhere to live.

Weekends are not the same quality time as holidays, there is often homework, clubs, other children’s birthday parties etc. So definitely not fair for you to have weekends and he has holidays!
I would suggest starting from a 50/50 split of weekdays / weekends / holidays and then agree on swaps, for ex out of the 6 weeks summer holidays he has them 4 (7 more days than a 50/50 split) and in exchange you have them for 4 more weekends.

Re the house, if you are having the children 50/50 (or near) then selling the house and you each buying/renting something else makes sense.

That's not what was being suggested.
The op says that he would like to have them during the week, whilst he is not working so they wouldn't need to go to childcare/holiday clubs.
The proposal is that the op then has them each weekend during the holidays.

To be fair, the week days make sense - he is off work, the OP's childcare costs are reduced.

In the summer the op could take 1-2 week's holiday perhaps to break that time up.

The house proposal doesn't make sense though.

@MarioBrothers
His six weeks thing is crazy.
You'll want to have a holiday with them too.
Just say no.

Something like the following might work:
Week 1 him
Weeks 2+3 you
Weeks 4+5 him
Week 6 you would make far more sense, allowing both of you to go away on holiday with your kids.

I'm a divorced teacher and do have the kids most of the holidays, but they live with me and exH tells me when he's taking time off.

If he's not particularly hands on now, I'd not worry about it too much, and most definitely don't agree to anything.
These things can be sorted in mediation.

What are his week day plans for covering parents evenings, open evenings etc?

They used to go to clubs during holidays even though H is teacher to give him some 'me time'. He now says he doesn't want this 'me time' & he is happy to have them Monday - Friday for the whole 6 weeks.

This is quite telling. I don't believe he now 'magically' will want to look after them rather than put them into clubs for is 'me time'. He will revert to form if and once he gets what he wants: the house and a childcare arrangement agreement that would have to be challenged legally after the fact.

Can't say I'm surprised.

Has he happily looked after their care and entertainment during all his non-term time breaks up until this point?

Who has done the bulk of childcare and household care for the past 6 years?

Who is the primary caregiver now?

These are all important factors ...

I suspect this is all a red herring....He wants to stay in the house. So having the kids 'more' is a way of arguing this. However, you might want to have a full financial split now as having assets held until birth kids turn 18 would be a pain. I assume you'll both need somewhere to live.... You are both going to have to live in cheaper housing unless one of is about to win the lottery

@MarioBrothers he sounds like a bully. Is he controlling? My ex tried various things like this when we were splitting. Be very careful as he may well try and use against you in the future - could be maintenance related, emotionally with the kids or something else. He's obviously already trying it with the house.

Yes it makes sense to utilise childcare availability where possible but not to keep you away from your children! He could have them in the day and you pick them up after work, no problem IF he's being a reasonable decent person. The best thing for the kids is to have plenty of time with both of you.

I'm FT now but when I worked PT I'd have the kids in the day in the holiday then ex would collect them after work on his nights. And even now I WFH and he doesn't so I do more days in the holidays but they still have their nights with him.

Don't agree because he's wearing you down. And don't take too much to heart from Mumsnet either, a lot will be responding from a different place: NOT having experience of someone who's controlling and with no understanding of the pain of being away from your kids - which is horrible for you and for them.

Stay strong and if you find it easier talk to your ex about it via email instead - easier to put your point across without being shouted down. Especially when you're still living together and the atmosphere is toxic.

Good luck 💐

On the flip side, I have found it pretty unfair when my ex has insisted on having the children for "his share" but then worked and put them in a holiday club when then could have had time with me (not a teacher but get decent holidays/Flexi time). Mine don't particularly like all-day clubs, or sloping round the house while he/I WFH

I expect your children would prefer to be with the parent who is on leave.

The suggestion of you having more weekends instead makes sense.

Otherwise I would look at buying extra leave from work or something so you can have half the holidays

This sounds like a sensible solution

Can you take unpaid leave /parenting leave so you can have them for half the holidays?