Divorcing a teacher

I think completeness madness to put children in summer clubs when there is a parent available who wants to spend time with them.

I work in a school and I think using the word “holidays” is misleading. Teachers are meant to be using some of that time on non face to face work or preparing their term time programmes. The head can actually call teachers in to do training at school for example.
So it’s not like he will be totally devoted to the kids. It’s reasonable to request a split of “the holidays”.

I’d tell him what weeks you have as AL and he has them for the rest of the time. Just because he’s going to have them in holidays doesn’t mean he gets to stay in the house because of that. That makes no sense

Surely it makes financial and emotional sense they do stay with their father during the summer holidays.

Is it worth trying anyway? Especially as you say he already isn't interested in 'clerical shit'?

And what you read on mumsnet isn't always a reflection of the real world.

@MarioBrothers I wouldn't be too quick to assume 50 50 is the norm. IME, it's not

So he will never have to pay childcare costs. What if you have to change jobs and you will be paying child care during term time? Will he pay half the childcare cost?

Is he also expecting you to just give him the family home?

Tell him to fuck off.

Perhaps best to split tasks eg you deal with school, he deals with medical issues?

Set up joint email address?

Or one deals with everything?

TBH, it's partly due to issues like this that I'm not a big fan of 50 50 arrangements (sorry, appreciate that's not what you asked)

Well don't do 4 straight weeks. Do 2 weeks then a week with mum then back to dad for a week

Man wants to spend time with his kids- seen as wrong and unfair. Women takes child from dad for long periods- seen as ok. Make I make sense?

Why should she go 4 straight weeks without seeing her children and the children without one parent. That is too long. If he wants to keep the children in mind he can care for them during the day and bring them back in the evening.

For all of his big talk, I can’t see him actually having the kids for six full weeks. He couldn’t be bothered with the life admin of having kids when you were together. Now he reckons he can magically single parent for six weeks? No chance. He just reckons saying so will give him a better chance of keeping the house. I wouldn’t worry OP, it’ll never happen.

In our case, it's also split roles, but I take on the more irregular life admin tasks.

Birthdays and big holidays are alternate years.

I just do it all, basically. I don't really trust XH to remember to top up school meals, read all emails etc. He never seems to know if there's an inset day or a late start/early finish on first/last day of term, despite getting exactly the same communications from school.

He does come to parents evening when he's able, but I book it (you have to be online and booking slots when it goes live or you miss out, and I just can't see him managing that). He is also taking one DC to the majority of their orthodontist appointments, because our dentist only does NHS work on XH's day ( we have 50/50 but set days and alternate weekends, not week on/week off). I ask him to do school shoes and I do uniform. Tried getting him to do the whole back-to-school shop one year and he only managed shoes because "there was just too much and it was stressful". Really annoyed me because I'd been doing it on my own for several years and always managed without anyone having a meltdown, even when they were quite young.

If your ex is reliable, you could make a list and divide it so that one of you does school meals, one does clubs etc. Or you manage most things for one child and he does the same for the other.

One person (usually mum) does all this, at least my experience, and the experience of every resident parent I know.

Most men, including my EX, seem to think women are magically somehow better at DC admin. He won't have factored that into his suggestion, he just wants to avoid paying CMS/childcare while looking like Dad of the year

I think it's fair for them to be with their dad rather than childcare if he's off work in the holidays and wants to have them. Not the whole summer as you'll want to take holiday and spend some time with them too. I also don't think that means he gets to stay in the home - better to sell up and split it, unless you can afford to buy him out?

Slightly different take on it - I’m a teacher. My dh takes 2 weeks of the summer holidays for us to spend as a family. The other weeks I could look after ds full time, but he loves going to summer clubs/camps. He did one week at a sports camp run by the team he trains with 9-4 and another week with a hobby group 9.30-3. I don’t need the childcare, but he really enjoys the clubs, gets to spend time with friends and develops skills and some independence. Sending your dc to a summer camp they enjoy isn’t just about childcare.

If he he's available and wants to have the DC during the school holidays instead on childcare he's welcome but you pick them up at 4.30pm and have them overnight on your weeks!

Not divorced but the only way it works is to split activity by activity. Eg one parent does all the admin for music lessons and football, the other all the admin for scouts and drama club. Both have to read everything from the school but alternate term by term who pays for and fills permission slips. Or if you have more than one child each parent does the admin for one child. In our household Dad does all the school uniform, uniform for clubs, fancy dress and presents and cards for birthday parties. Mum does everything else.

He’s a teacher - that’s amazing, they will be so far ahead of their peers with a private tutor for a dad! I would be 100% on board with his proposed plans, they sound great. Why do you think your kids would prefer holiday camp? My kids absolutely hated camp 👀

So he wants you to have them for all the grunt work of the school year and he gets all the fun time holidays.
I'd want a two week holiday with the kids over the summer at least and alternate Christmas and New year.
Get the house sold so you can both find somewhere to live with the kids.
It sounds like he wants to be the main parent with residency of the children and you be the every other weekend and a weekday tea time with the kids.

This seems the best solution to me also.

Doesn't mean he gets to keep the house though! Get a proper solicitor to advise you & agree with PP re his pension!

A teacher who doesn't do "clerical shit" and doesn't work in the holidays or at weekends. I swear I have worked with this guy. Actually a couple of them. Tool.

You’re both in a lot of pain. Could you take a breath, be kind to yourself & think about mediation later. Lots of good wishes xx

Agreed. But you are right to be somewhat resigned to the current system