DH pressuring me to find a job

Some of us are lone parents and manage to do it all ourselves. The idea that you can't work AND run the household is ludicrous. I'm not saying that OP's partner shouldn't step up and take on some household responsibilities but saying that you need someone at home to have a decent career is nonsense because lone parents do it all!

Your child going to school means it’s time to start work.

The longer you don’t work, the less confident you will be. No magic moment is going to occur where you feel more capable - you just have to get out there. Your husband know this.

Get some career advice, figure out where you think you want to go and start working towards it - slowly at first.

Start PT so you aren’t fully double shifting. Tell him he needs to step up a bit more so you can build your career.

This is definitely a conversation they need to have. But the answer to this issue is not to simply not go to work.

I would take the opportunity to really think about what you would like in a career. And then work out how to get there.

You could look at a degree apprenticeship for example

Your DH will need to step up more at home for sure but I would start with working on what you would like to do

The most challenging part of this change is getting the f/t worker to understand that if the SAHP goes back to back to work then the f/t worker has to do more. I was a SAHP for 8 years and despite having a very supportive DH when i went back to work he found it a bit of a shock how much didn't get done at home when i was at work. I was able to go back to a very professional well paid role though so didn't have the problem of not knowing what job i could do.

This issue has come up before OP and most Mumsnetters will be very unkind to you about it. According to the average Mumsnetter, the work you do at home is meaningless, and even if your DH is on £500k a year it’s still somehow worth you taking a £14k teaching assistant job even though half of the family money legally belongs to you.

Mumsnetters who have husbands who actually do housework and childcare cannot comprehend how much work the traditional housewife role requires and do not care to. They also don’t realise how highly some men are paid.

Anyway. It is not fair for your husband to obtain all the advantages of having family and also a high paid middle class career for himself, him having both of those things required you to support him with huge amounts of unpaid housework and childcare, and then suddenly announce that he expects you to work in a minimum wage job.

What might be fairer would be for you to identify a path towards a career you would find suitable. A lot of middle class mums go into low paid but high prestige jobs like publishing or academia.

Both DH and I work full time. It's shit sometimes and it's hard to manage but you just do.
It would be so unreasonable to expect someone else to fund you through life

Exactly this. You are already contributing quite a lot. If you’re going to contribute financially, he has to cover the gap that will be left with kids and household responsibilities.

Time to get off your backside OP

I was just about to suggest this. If you have a uni degree, and English is your second language, you could privately tutor in your native language?

All of you suggesting the OP looks at being a TA - the job is changing beyond recognition. It isn't as simple as just walking into a school, doing a bit of reading and helping the teacher with displays, etc. (Not that it ever really was!!)

In my school, we only have 2 'TAs' in the traditional sense. The others are all 1-2-1s for children with significant special needs and require specific training or qualifications. This is happening in many many schools across the country as budgets have been slashed.

It's an incredibly tough job for crap pay & isn't as straightforward as you may think. The only plus is that it fits into term-time. Although you're also only paid pro-rata...

Sorry - just thought I'd mention it...

Could you find a temp job? Maybe brush up your skills & update your CV? (Not that being a SAHM doesnt require a vast skill set before anyone pounces!!)

I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.

What was the job? How many hours and how long did you do it for?

No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.

You clearly think you are better than this. What job do you think you should be doing and what qualifications do you have which would enable you to do so?

I think he is being perfectly fair. With your children in school you won’t have the care element of your contribution to the household for 30 odd hours a week. There is only so much cleaning and meal prep you can do.

Of course you will start at the bottom with a job - but that won’t change if you look for a job now or in 10 years time.

Is he going to take time off when the kids are sick or its the school holidays?

I think @Heronwatcher has nailed it. I understand that your confidence may be a bit low after being at home with the children for so long, but if you don't make a start, your confidence won't increase. You're an educated woman, you have experience of living in different countries, you can turn your hand to anything.

Once children are in full time school it doesn't take an adult 30 hours a week to do housework. You need to contribute financially to the household. Your attitude to certain jobs is also ridiculous. What do you think you should be doing? Are you qualified for that? If so great get a job in that industry instead, if not get any job.

I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.

Honestly, just grow up. And get a job.

You sound like a princess. Plenty of people have to manage part time work and children.

Not having time to do anything round the house as a reason not to work is a cop out, how do you think we lone parents manage it? I am a single mum working full time and have no partner, I manage.

However, as you do have a husband, he should be taking on more household responsibilities if he wants you to work.

https://www.westminster.gov.uk/jobs-and-volunteering

Click on the school jobs tab to see the term time jobs. I don't know which borough council you live under but I used Westminster as an example.

You could temp and find interesting work that way? When you get a job talk to him about how to handle school pick up etc. Quite apart from what he thinks you should always have your own income. There’s enough threads on mumsnet to show you that marriages don’t always work and you need your options open

Look, quite apart from anything else you need to start protecting yourself financially. What would you do if he met someone else, got ill, lost his job, or just started behaving like a twat and you needed to get out? Getting some financial independence is irreplaceable and he’s giving you the green light to do it.

Of course there will be changes in your life. He might have to start pulling his weight a bit more with the childcare (like dropping off at school- loads of people in high pressured jobs do this), maybe you’ll have to use a school club occasionally and holiday clubs- and of course he will have to pay for these. But 1000s of people manage to have both parents working, and it’s usually a good thing if there is some balance.

I completely agree that you shouldn’t be doing all of the childcare and working though so best to get that sorted out straight away, plus I also think that re-training for a fulfilling career is compketely justifiable (so long as it will eventually get some bills paid- so not a typical hobbyist course like interior design, yoga, etc (unless you’re amazing at it)).

My advice would be think about how you want to spend your time when the kids are teenagers/ left home and work towards that.

I would be very clear with him that he will need to change if you go out to work including taking days off when the child needs to stay home from school. Ask him what will happen during school holidays. The kids will need to be in holiday club every day etc. I imagine he expects you to do all this. I would personally think about what job you would like to have. Do you have any qualifications? What qualifications would help you to get a job you want? Could you get a part time job while you also study? He might not want this but tough. I think you need to start to contribute but you also need to protect yourself. What would happen if the marriage ended? He would still have his 70k job and you would be stuck with low paid employment.

You say you’re not from the UK. Do you speak a second language? Could you tutor that language online? What is your degree in? Could you tutor that? If your husband is okay with you earning minimum wage, he would likely support you working fewer hours tutoring as you can charge £20-£30 per hour There is daytime, evening and weekend work so you could fit it around your life.

Unless you can find term time only work your childcare costs are going to be very high. Has your DH investigated the costs and does he recognise that he has to contribute towards this cost? If not you both need to sit down and realistically plan ahead. Of course it’s preferable for you to earn, have a pension etc but it’s a joint enterprise.

He definitely also needs to commit to contributing more to the family time-wise and taking responsibility for using his AL to cover the many, many occasions that the DC aren’t in school.

Bit more to it than popping out and getting a job in retail that magically fits in without rocking his boat.