DH pressuring me to find a job

What is wrong with working in a uniform?

OP, having financial Independence is so so important.
I went back to work (after 8 years, no college degree) having been out of the workforce when my kids were small. I now earn more than my H.
If something happened your DH, if he left you for OW what then?

If you work in retail or hospitality, you’ll probably have to work bank holidays, weekends and possibly evenings or nights so he can’t refuse to do more housework and childcare.

If your kids fall sick on a day you work who takes the day off?

It's not unreasonable to expect you to work, but it's unreasonable to expect that a 10am-2pm stress free job will be easily available. Gold dust where I am.

I expect you'd be thrilled to have a casual job during school hours and have holidays off with the kids and a relief from domestic chores. In reality he's expecting you to fulfilled the housewife and worker role, without his lifestyle changing.

Spell. It. Out. Thinking positively about work, show him a standard week and the school holidays. If you worked 9-5pm, which days (50/50) could be do drop offs or pick ups. Who will make packed lunches? How will kids sick days be covered? Kids admin? How will you split food shopping and cooking, not to mention cleaning. Will the children stay for after-school club everyday? Homework etc. life the chores you do each day for a discussion on splitting them. Holidays- will you take a week or two off each each year to just do childcare rather than go away. Etc. All framed positivity around you being keen to work and contribute.

DH and I split being at home (with pre-schooler) and children and it's SO useful for a stress free life. Money is okay/fairly tight, but life for and with the house & children very manageable.

I think you really do need to get a plan in place. Not only to contribute financially but for your own long term good.

if you’re not keen on finding a job in retail, etc then how about studying towards a qualification?

OP - if your youngest will be starting school in September, that means they were a covid baby and you had a toddler at home at the same time. I can easily see someone who has had such a different experience of the preschool years than most (particularly if you throw in that you aren’t from the UK so won’t have had a family network to lean on as it wasn’t possible to build a mum-friendship network due to restrictions), would find the idea of change daunting when life is just getting a bit easier.

But I would go back into this with an open conversation. I would definitely look at working in schools, so you have the holidays off for the first few years. But you will need to have your dh on board that you wouldn’t earn much per hour in that case, the upside is that you won’t have to pay for holiday childcare so until your dcs get older it might well balance out.

if your first language is one that’s routinely taught in UK schools (most teach French, Spanish or German) then you may get work in secondary schools as a language assistant- essentially a classroom assistant for the language department. If not, there are a lot of admin roles in secondary schools. Most will give priority to staff’s children for places in the future (all the state schools round here have at least 5 “staff priority” places each year, all the private offer either reduced fees or free places for children of staff.)

you might have to use some childcare- I went back to work in a school and had to use the breakfast club for our dcs but was home to collect them each night. You also will need to budget for a cleaner if he’s not prepared to take on any home responsibilities but wants you to work full time.

It is about been part of the team. It sounds like he would like some support and is feeling the stress of been the only bread winner. If something should happen in the future you are both screwed.

It is also about providing an example to the dc - about both parents working and contributing to the household finances.

You need to do something work wise for you regardless of what he wants in case the marriage breaks down or your DH drops dead. It’s as simple as that. Have your claimed child benefit? If you haven’t and then paid it back which you could have done as he is a high earner you will already have 9 missing years of NI payments.

Ask me how many marriages have broken down amongst my friendship group. Around a third , that’s better than the 50% divorce rate plus one friend was widowed. Depending on if they stayed in work or were a SAHP for years well it’s a shitshow for some.

Plus less of the disrespect for people in uniform.

If you have no money for luxuries and holidays etc and are looking to move to a house you need to get a job to contribute financially
your dh is suggesting low stress jobs that you seem to think is beneath you because of wearing a uniform.

Where does it say he says this? He actually encourages lower paid roles

Yeah it's this.

I am sure that you will find it satisfying to be in some part time work once you feel happy to start.

It is unfortunate that your OH does not want you to increase your prospects of interesting work by getting some further education.

He needs you to be clear with him - if you return to work then there will need to be changes at home. Either he will have to pick up some of the jobs at home that you are currently doing, or you will need to pay someone else to do them. The alternative is that you, like many other working mothers, will be meeting yourself coming back trying to fit everything in. He needs to grasp that things will change and a great deal of what he has taken for granted up till now will not be so easy - and probably for minimal financial gain if you take the sort of jobs that he is proposing.

When it comes down to it you need to do some planning for your future - how do you see yourself in 10 years time? What would you like to be doing then? If you can clarify these things in your mind, then you will have concrete plans to put in front of him.

I do have sympathy with anyone (male or female) who is working long hours and feeling stressed.

My dad did the exact same thing with my mum. Perfectly happy for her to stay at home and raise the kids, and look after the house, so that he didn't have to lift a finger when he was at home.
BUT, it all coincided with him having a stressful time at work, and even having to go on medication for depression. I think he looked around, saw mum sitting around doing nothing (as far as he cared), and flipping his shit on that, because it was easier than managing the work situation.
Bare in mind that this was the late 90s/early 00s, and mum hadn't had a paid job since about 1980. I think she applied for a few things, had one interview, that she didn't get. But it was all very much under duress.
But by then, dad's work situation started to improve, his mental health got better, and mum having a job was literally never mentioned again.

As it happened, a couple of years after that, she inherited the management of an indoor market, so would visit it once a week to collect the rents. She enjoyed that, because it was on HER terms.

All that being said, I think it's considered the norm that once kids are settled into school, that mum goes off and finds a job of some sort. But DH needs to understand that you can't work AND do all the other household tasks as well.

Get a part time job if you will still be doing the other stuff.

I’m team husband. I was a SAHM for 10 years when our children were 0-5. My husband earns a 6 figure salary and we could afford for me not to work at all, but why on earth should my husband pay for everything while I live a life of leisure, that’s just not fair. And what would I do all day while my children are at school?! We have a very large family home and I do laundry for 6 people, but that wouldn’t fill up 30 hours a week. I work 3 days a week 10-2 in a minimum wage job - yes it’s peanuts money compared to what my husband earns, but it means that I have my own money to spend, I can buy treats for the family with the satisfaction that I paid for it, my Husband respects me and sees me as an equal and it gives me self respect and a social life. I have zero shame in working a low paid job, I enjoy it more than my full two days a week doing boring housework! Right now some of my kids are still at primary school, but once the youngest is at High School I plan to start my own full-time business - the skills and contacts I have made in my humble job have been invaluable.

I agree but I’ve seen enough threads to draw a conclusion to what the high powered man whose wife has always looked after the kids and house would expect

Say no more.

I think you’ll find it’s the OP that’s turning her nose up and perfectly good, low stress jobs because she’ll have to wear a uniform (the horror)

Agree with you 100%
So many FM's often being diblebrately obtuse and always ready to put down the OH when there is no need for it.

No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.

Massive disrespect. Stop looking down on people. Get a job.

It's worth having a conversation with him about what he expects.

If you have kids in school then either a parent needs to do drop off and pick ups or you need pre and post school care. Does your school have a breakfast/after school club?

Sit down with him and explain that you want to get a job but you need to know what to look for. Ask him if he will do any drop offs and pick ups. If not, explain that either you will need to get a school hours /term time job or as a family you will need to pay for childcare.

My DH was desperate for me to go back to work in similar circumstances and I did but he had a much better appreciation of the problems after he took on responsibility for finding pre and after school care (I couldn't find anything and he said "you just weren't looking right" and then was crestfallen at at how hard it was).

He does yes

But the OP’s question is is it reasonable that she go back to work - to which the answer is yes.

The first step to making sure he pulls his finger out is her accepting that she needs to go back, taking control of it, and handing him a list of jobs.

The others are all 1-2-1s for children with significant special needs and require specific training or qualifications.

I agree that all jobs in schools now are 1:1 for very high need children. Unfortunately as things are so desperate, I wouldn’t say they need specific qualifications though as schools are so desperate. It’s now so often just a case of, ‘when can you start?!’ and an an hoc training will happen when they are in!

The jobs are generally short-term (as funding is attached to pupils in a short-term basis and may be lost at an AR or if the child moves setting) and will probably involve personal care-nappy changing, PEG feeds or some level of physical behaviour.

You would obviously still need childcare before/after school though if the child was at a different school to your own.

@Ellysa I don't think this is the sort of situation you think it is

We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.

Doesn't sound like the DH is on 500k