DH pressuring me to find a job

Great post.

Quite reasonable for you to work and contribute but it's also reasonable to develop yourself and for him to contribute as a team player to the home.

That isn’t possibly in many jobs though.

Plus, honestly, once they're school age a sick day is a lot easier to manage anyway. Tuck them up on the sofa or in bed with something to watch and leave them to it, with occasional checks. DH and I are both FT but if one of the kids is sick one or both of us can WFH and still put in a full day, as opposed to when they were little and clingy and needed constBt supervision.

The 'double shift' is her working and doing all household/child related stuff with no help while he 'just works'

This.

He can't have it both ways!

There are a few issues here OP- if your husband is a well paid London lawyer, I can't glean why you have no luxuries. Do you have a full understanding of the household finances and budget? If not, it us time to find this out

Your husband isn't unreasonable to expect you to enter the workforce once all of your children start school, however he sounds unreasonable in not understanding that you working will leave less time at home. Has he explained how he thinks school pick ups etc will work, as you are correct that he needs to be realistic about the types of jobs and hours open to you if you need to work around the children? Does he have a realistic idea about how much childcare will cost (depending on how much of it you plan to use)?

He may also be BU depending on what he means about his lifestyle not changing with you back at work- this needs delving in to

Also, please don't be trap yourself in to seeing all the childcare/pick ups/ housework as your responsibility- you need to be clear with him that you working e.g 20 hours per week means 20 hours less house stuff done e g shopping, cooking etc and that he will need to pick up x hours worth of slack

If you haven't already, you need to allow plenty of time to sit down for a calm discussion and tall thus through as a team. His responses will help you navigate what to do next

Edited to add- please clarify your comment about the uniform (from a uniform wearer)

As I'm scrolling on my phone putting off about to start putting together work outfits for the week ahead I'd quite welcome wearing a uniform. Why on earth you think there's something wrong with jobs requiring one is beyond me. Would you look down on him if you wore a suit to work and your husband was leaving in say, plumber clothes for work?

Get a job OP, even if in the beginning it's p/t and your joint household income has to pay for a cleaner etc it will be start of invaluable independence - why would you want to be wholly dependent on a man and while your family can't even afford a few treats?

Also, join any workplace pension on offer.

Try a hybrid or wfh job. Harder to come by these days though.

Or see what office support jobs you could do for businesses like estate agents, accountants, solicitors etc locally. Ensure you can do 9-3 say. Even shop work, cafe work you could do that, supermarket work if it’s part time and fits in with school pick up.

You can't not work just in case the kids are sick.

You have to juggle it. So you take it in turns

I’d love a work uniform, I’m so sick of having to figure out outfits for office days.

"he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform."

You sound very snob OP. What's wrong with using uniform?.

You arent a suit wearing lawyer, you married one.
If you want to leave the house in a suit then you need to get a job yourself that necesitates one.
I appreciate that its daunting getting back into work and its going to be a challenge if you have been out of work for a while but it sounds like you managed to get a WFH job before so you might be able to do so again.
Your DH does need to realise that things will change if you work though, which might be a bigger challenge than you finding a job

I think you need to address this frankly with him. With your youngest child starting school, you will gain some hours. Most kids are in school roughly 9-3 but will need to be dropped off and picked up so take an hour off.
School also adds some admin burden (reading, costumes to be provided, packed lunches) so take another 30 minutes a day off.
You are gaining 22.5 hours a week in term time, that’s 16.8 hours per week overall (as few jobs are term time only)

So either you are available to work 16 hours per week which could be hard to find or I would suggest you work more but he needs to contribute the hours back to the family. If you’re working 25 hours a week, he needs to give six hours more to family life to make it balance. This is an adjustment period for both of you. As work is inherently less flexible than being at home, you both need to consider how you will manage sick days/teacher strikes and also employers that don’t flex for the school play, the fact the kids finish school at 3pm. Is he going to do some pick ups, are you going to pay for after school club?

Sit him down and work out the details. I wouldn’t let him just say ‘oh don’t go back then’ and then resent you. You should go back. Working is important, being able to earn an income to support your kids matters but it should be clear to him that this isn’t just a change for you, it will be a change for him too.

Fair enough

Not sure what your problem is apart from the fact you don’t want to contribute financially.
Get a job and childcare like everyone else does.
Lack of confidence is a crap excuse. Avoiding work will make your confidence much worse.

If you have a degree from your home country could you train to be a teacher?

To be blunt, what choice do you have? There is no legal obligation on him to provide for you if he no longer wants to. He pays the piper so he calls the tune. If you're unable to persuade him to continue your current arrangements then you will either have to leave him and try to find another means of not working (which is basically another man, because you'd be expected to find work if you tried to claim benefits) or stay with him and work. Tbh the fact he's suggesting minimum wage jobs despite the money being negligible suggests he is feeling deeply resentful of you. The fact he expects you to work and do all the domestics doesn't bode well either, so your marriage sounds in pretty poor shape. Which is all the more reason you should be establishing some financial dependence while you still have the cushion of his income. It would be far harder to retrain and build a career as a single parent

What are your ambitions, OP?

I think it’s totally reasonable of you not to want to be pushed into a second shift of dead end work that you will find stressful, unfulfilling and which won’t build your earning capacity. But with all your kids in education it’s time to start looking at how you move back into the work force, because it’s likely to take time.

Both of your attitudes suck a bit like OP. Your husband and his wanting you to do all of the running of the household and bring in money and your snobbish attitude to the kind of jobs you need to be realistic about at the start.

First you sit down with husband and ask him what he's willing to take on himself because you won't be able to do it all. You also need to discuss school holidays and kid sick days and how taking time off will look like for the both of you.

There are jobs out there you could do when he's there to take over with the kids. Mega early mornings or evenings. Something like cleaning. Which isnt tacking and brings in a bit of coin. Means you're still free during the day.

Ultimately you both need to change your attitudes a bit.

Eh? He suggested waitresses or retail work, but the OP clearly feels that she is above sl these roles.

Of course you need to work. And it’s stupid not to. Many marriages end, and what would you do then? Your comment about uniform is very snobby and offensive. You know nurses and midwives wear uniforms? And if you want to buy a house, you aren’t in a good position if you don’t work, as you class as a dependent.

Op, how about project management or some sort of sales position which is commission based?

The issue here is that he seems to think you need a minimum wage job to contribute financially to the household while still doing all the housework, but I understand where you're coming from - you're a university educated person same as he is so surely if you're going to work you should have a career with prospects too.

It seems unfair that you both will be working but he gets the rewarding career and won't have to worry about childcare and housework. You still have to bring in money but on his terms, which mean a min wage job and all the household load.

Personally, I think it is right that you work. Otherwise he will grow to resent you for not pulling your weight and your marriage will probably fail. However, I think before you work you need to retrain in something that you feel reflects your abilities. Otherwise I would feel the same as you - youll hate being stuck in a minimum wage job, managing the house like a lone parent, while your wealthy (ish) husband continues with up the career ladder and has a lifestyle to match. This set up will hurt you in a divorce too I would think.

I am sure he will complain about the cost of a cleaner, wraparound care and has no intention of doing anything more around the house. He will have no intention of doing any school drop offs and there is no doubt that it is you who will be taking time off when the children are sick. I am a lawyer and it was only possible for me to work because I moved to work in government and not in private practice where the hours are really brutal. (The battle for fees and billing is awful.) It was only possible for me to do that because my husband did a lot of the heavy lifting when I went back to work six weeks after c-sections. He did the night feeds so I could rest and recover with the second one. He worked from home so the children could stay home with him if they were sick. (He was very disciplined about work hours though as he was very focussed on it being his livelihood.) We had nannies for the children for the first year for both of them. We had a cleaner and a gardener. It was awfully hard and expensive. Most of the partners when I was in private practice had stay at home wives who did everything. To give those partners their due none of them expected their wives to do a bit of waitressing on the side.

My husband works from home if the kids are poorly and need a day off school. He is lucky that he has a job where he can work from home - he can juggle his workload around looking after the ill child. If they were really really unwell (eg one of my kids was recovering from surgery) then I take a few days off. But 90% of the time my husband does it.

You might enjoy getting out if the house and into the adult community. Who knows where ut will lead ?