DH pressuring me to find a job

Many posters here will have fitted this all in plus worked because most couples with kids can’t live on a single salary, hence maybe the less than sympathetic answers OP is getting.

have only read OP.

It is reasonable for you go look for work. Is he at one of those firms where they work until 3am and the company thinks helping them is giving them a leaflet on better sleep and a pillow spray?

IMO: you go to work and he cuts down his hours. You both take over some of the household and child duties.

Expecting you to get a job is perfectly reasonable

expecting you to get a job while also taking care of all child responsibilities and nothing changes for him is ridiculous

He's not saying that, if you look he is putting jobs to her which she would be capable of, it's just that she doesn't want to do them.

He is right, for your families, and your own sake, you need to get a job.
A school hours only job is not necessary as he works a Monday to Friday job, you should be able to work while he does whatever needs to be done at home.
Has he actually said he won't pick up the work you do in the home, or have you just assumed written that here to sway opinion?
You may not be able to walk into your dream job, but no one can after years out of the workplace. You have to look for something you're happy to do, and have a plan in place to work towards what you'd really like to do. Not working is not an option, unless you want to potentially find yourself without a husband or job prospects in future because you refused to step up.

I think you should explore options maybe with voluntary work initially. Taking a low paid job is fine as a starting point to get you into the world of work but you do need to make clear he will have to help more around the house and with kids although if you work part time you should still have plenty of spare capacity depending on hours.

I don't think you can really expect him to continue supporting you financially indefinitely especially if your children are now school age. Surely you could get a house sooner with two incomes even if initially your wage is low? You will gain confidence and surely if you are at home when your kids are at school you will be bored? I personally always wanted my own money so worked part time from when my youngest was 2 and went to pre school. If you had a Uni education even abroad you are surely qualified to work. What about a job using your native language if not English?

I think your comment about wearing a uniform is uncalled for .

Not unreasonable for you to get a job, especially when both kids in school. Not sure what you’ve got against wearing a uniform versus his suit and tie. He’s worked his way up, and you can too, but obviously he needs to realise that someone needs to drop and pick up kids. Use wrap around care and get a cleaner or he does 50-50 on the evenings and weekends. He cannot expect you to go out to work and do everything you’re doing now and his life doesn’t change one bit. I’d make that very clear that his life will be changing.

My dh tried this a couple of years ago. Our situation is somewhat different but the principle was the same - he was happy for me to be a sahm to dc aged 18 months apart both with severe Sen yet when the youngest was starting reception I was told I had no choice and would have to work.

I was going to all the appts therapy, meetings ,into school all the time etc etc, doing all the nights , any admin related to Sen. I countered what he said with my own demand - actually that no I wasn’t prepared to be a carer full time to 2 children so he had to take a 2 year career break and we are both now carers . After that we will both work part time

The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing.

Well I can tell you many people don't like the idea of low paid work appealing, and yet they havento do it or otherwise they will starve.

You both sound as bad as each other. If you were my DD I'd tell you to imagine DH leaving. What position would that put you in?

You don't say how many DC you have but with no job you'd be at the mercy of UC, which only supports two DC (if born since 2017). This site has shown me many wealthy men can easily find ways to avoid child maintenance or pay very little. You are in a very precarious position. For your sake you should want a degree of financial autonomy as soon as possible.

As long as he agrees to be on speed dial from the school everytime they ring with sickness/forgotten PE kit/lunch whatever. There is a LOT of this at primary.
If you have fair practices in place fir all the sickness and emergency issues maybe you could look for something in school hours.
I had a wonderful DM who picked up for the sickness calls so we could both work.

You think retail or waitressing are low stress?????? Seriously? Those are some of the most soul destroyingly stressful jobs going.

Yes, agree with this! Larger supermarkets and fast food chains often have management programmes designed to have on The job training to move up into senior positions. Then after some time in a senior role, you can reevaluate if you want to stay in the supermarket/fast food place or take the management experience you’ve gained and apply it in another place of work.

shift availability in supermarkets and fast food could be helpful for you too

Only gets to have this attitude if he's going to do his fair share of housework and childcare- which he won't.

I suggest finding a job OP. When he realises how much this impacts his life, he'll be begging you to stop.

But you shouldn't. This is a man who has no appreciation for 'woman's work'. So you can't rely on him and need to gain some independence. One day he might just leave you high and dry, and then what will you do?

There are an awful lot of posters on this thread who don't seem to have a clue how much work sahps can do. (I will caveat by saying there is the option to not do anything and just ignore your dc but that isn't one that I would have thought people would aspire to).

7-9 - decent homemade breakfast, make decent pack lunch, help get ready, walk to school and back

9-11 - housework, errands, admin, garden, diy, shopping

3-8 - walk to school and back, decent homemade dinner, ferrying back and forth to extra curricular, help with homework, reading to them, bath.

That's 9 hours. Same as a full time job.

Yes, I'm sure people will be on this thread saying 'I do all that and I work full time' and if you do, and thus work 9+8=17 hours a day, then that would not be a work life balance I'd aspire to.

The suit and tie IS HIS UNIFORM.
Sounds like you don't want to get your hands dirty.
Do you not want to earn your own money OP?
I can't think of anything worse than not having my own wage packet, even if it is a small one!

Having a SAHP only works when both people agree to it. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect a SAHP to go back to work once the youngest child is at school.

I think you need to get off your high horse. Working a low paid job that works around your kids is still bringing in money.

How off turning it eventually must be to come home to someone like this. No ambitions, nothing really to talk about, just someone being dependant on your salary.

I’d be pissed off if I was in a stressful job with long hours.

No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.

So do you have a problem with pilots who wear a uniform, or is it just because you think a shop assistant is beneath you?

Why don’t you have any luxuries? If he’s a lawyer in London who has been working without a career break, he must be earning upwards of £150k surely? Unless he’s in criminal or family law.

He sounds like a stingy man so if I was you I would get a job in order to afford treats for you and the children.

It’s not unreasonable for you to go back to work once your child is settled in school- but this is completely unreasonable:

‘He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself! ‘

He needs to understand what household things you do now, how long it takes you, and agree to split things fairly once you are working, so that you both have a reasonable opportunity for leisure time.

Even if you do manage to get a School Hours in Term Time job (I’ve just realised the acronym potential!) don’t let yourself be suckered into doing everything else at home still.

My experience is that my ex was happy with the idea of me going back to work, but it soon became apparent that he wanted the clean house / dinner on the table / let Daddy get on with his important work lifestyle still, without doing any of the jobs that he didn’t like. Eg he wanted to take the kids ‘off your hands’ to the park at the weekend, whilst I got on with tidying, cleaning and cooking dinner. I eventually felt like a servant who was paying to be at work, and we’re divorced now!

Luckily I can support myself and my kids, as I found a job with scope for progression, that fitted my interests and experience/qualifications.

What was your degree/previous employment and what career would you ideally like to pursue? Think about how you can work towards that, even if it means needing after school or holiday clubs.

Exactly this

My DH probably would. Instead of wearing his suit and tie every day. But I’m (thankfully) in a country where men and women share maternity leave and everything else.

He hasn’t said she needs to work full time, or anything of the sort. He just doesn’t want her sitting on her arse 30 hours a week whilst the kids are in school. She can quite easily pick up 15 or 20 hours a week and still manage drop offs and pick ups.

how can she be a stay at home parent, when there are no kids at home to parent?

sounds to me like she was looking forwards to the kids starting school and having some leisure time! She hasn’t worked for 9 years, why on earth should he continue to support her.