DH pressuring me to find a job

I don't think he's expecting her to walk into a high salary job. OP has mentioned retail etc.

It's not unreasonable to expect spouse to contribute something now that the kids are at school. Even doing 4hrs a day at a supermarket would help.

And from the sound of it, OP was happy to take on the role of SAHW, and is just comfortable doing that- so it isn't always a case of forming the wife.

I think there’s a lot going on with your post, and I’m not going to pile on with the “uniform” comments etc, as there are deeper issues.

Its reasonable that you get a job and contribute financially - but are people missing the parts where you say he won’t change anything about his schedule and won’t help support you in any education which might help finding a job easier…?

There are so many red flags in this post!

Your husband is rarely home, takes on non of the mental load and very very little domestic labour. Yet expects you to get a job when your child starts school and make no adjustments to his life. Wtaf?!

This isn’t a partnership! I think you should get a job. For your own benefit - mentally, socially and for some financial independence. However I imagine he will expect you to still sort all childcare (and no doubt pay for it out of your wage), and still expects all the mental load and domestic labour to fall to you as well. That’s unreasonable. Refusing to support you in education is also unreasonable. It’s not “taking money away from the kids” - what an ignorant short sighted view! Upping your skills and education means you’re more likely to enter into a career which will have much greater long term benefits that some of the jobs he is suggesting.

It seems like your husband has some very outdated views about gender roles whilst also wanting to have his cake and eat it.

It seems like a serious discussion is needed where you can sit down and get on the same page, and get some mutual support in place, if he wants you to work again.

It's not just being available for work that can cause problems but I found the school holidays and various days off they have a pain to work around. If the school offers wrap around care that is usually only available during school hours / days and not all year round.
Holiday clubs are expensive and your Dh will have to accept you might not be able to afford this on your wages ( at first , anyway )
If you have family available to help out that might work, but your Dh must realize he'll have to do more than he currently does in order for you to be able to work during the day.
I'm not suggesting it's not possible, but I have the impression he'll expect you to pick up the slack for every thing and not realize you may not be around on bank holidays ( for example) as you may have to work ( especially if you go into retail or hospitality sectors ) He'll have to care for the children more than he does now.
I feel for a lot of men it may come as a bit of a shock , but if he wants you out earning money then that's how it'll be.

You need to decide what type of job you want. Either go for pt and hours to fit around children or ft and him have to co parent. He’ll be in a much better position than you to work flexibly with a more senior job and longer service.
Things to think about - school drop off and pick up and after school care.
School holiday care.
If child is sick and unable to go to school.
Appointments eg dentist, optician, hairdresser.
Taking children to activities.
Housework and cooking.
Lots of jobs come with training opportunities eg look at jobs in local government.

I’ve done both and plenty of other jobs. They’re much more stressful than being a SAHM to school age kids, yes, but less stressful than loads of other jobs.

You leave both behind you at the end of the day, they don’t involve life and death, you tend to work as part of a team. Being a carer, or TA for similar money, is far more stressful and carries more responsibility.

The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing

I dont get much money but hey ho, what I do get is a feeling of self worth. I earn my own money, I dont have to rely on anyone else to buy me my things, I couldnt imagine relying on my husband for my clothes, cosmetics, hair cuts etc not when Im fit and capable to go out and earn. ( yes he has supported me in the past through periods when Ive not worked and I never had to ask, I have a card for his account )

I also have confidence and a wide circle of friends from being out of the house and meeting people

Im a lunchtime waitress, 11 -3 or 12-4 depending, so Ive plenty of time in the mornings and evenings to still care for my mum, still manage to keep a dog, have time for my hobbies as well as the housework I do because my DH does his share as well.

I only work 16 hrs a week because of my caring responsibilities having to fit around mum but the pay isnt bad, tips are better and it makes a huge difference to our finances

What do you actually want to do? Look into that first. Yes I think it’s time to go to work and have something for you. I love the independence of my own money etc and it made life much easier. But he needs to pay for a cleaner/after school clubs if your full time. Many people go to work in uniform roles as you describe because they work around the children. Personally I would look at retraining or companies that offer roles that you can work your way up in. He does need to help with cost for retraining if possible I think!

What????? You wear (gasp!) - a uniform!! How very dare you! 😂

Which industry were you thinking about?

He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.

Do you realise how snobbish you sound? And how it implies it is demeaning to wear a uniform? What is wrong with wearing a uniform? Or is it just wrong for you?

Many women work for their own financial independence and self-esteem. There are obvious dangers in being completely reliant on someone else's income, (should the marriage break up, for example, you might find you need to get a job) - and astute women realise that (whether they wear a uniform or not).😄

Maybe you're lacking a bit of confidence, it can be a challenge to get back into the workforce after a long break, you can feel a bit less than everyone else, not quite good enough but really you are! You do sound very selfish & entitled in your opening post. If that's not the case I apologise, but it is how you come across.
When your kids go to school you will be able to do life & house admin so much quicker & in a more organised way that will you have lots of time for a part time job at least and then have weekends free. I did what ever job I could to get some money rolling in until I could afford to be a bit more choosy.
Why wouldn't you want to help take some financial pressure off your husband so you can all enjoy an easier life, not just you ?

I’m not sure which part of the context was supposed to prevent anyone thinking you’re unreasonable 🙄

You’ve had nearly a decade of the luxury of not working. Some families, my own included depend on both parents working no matter how hard that makes life for one or both of us.

get a job - there’s plenty there even if they’re not ones you’d prefer, or paying what you’d like.

I think you are being a bit of a snob OP. Don't you want any financial independence??

I think you are being a bit of a snob OP. Don't you want any financial independence??

It means that as a SAHM, her children don’t get coco pops thrown at them in a rush because clearly working parents can’t also provide their children with homemade pancakes. 🙄

What role can a receptionist get promoted to?

As someone who raised two kids from baby and toddler whilst a working single parent with f all support, I would like to say, hang on while I find the world's tiniest violin

@Macadamiamama

maybe he wants to go on holiday op? Wouldn’t you like to?
get a job and you can!

We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket

That's a pretty massive luxury tbh.

From someone who wears a uniform on 55k.

No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.

A suit and tie is his uniform.

It's not unreasonable to expect you to work, but it's unreasonable to expect that a 10am-2pm stress free job will be easily available. Gold dust where I am.

Lunchtime assistants in schools do those hours and they're always being advertised, ok the pay isn't great but they're term time which is a bonus! Maybe you could do that OP?

@arethereanyleftatall

what do you mean by “decent homemade breakfast”? Like what?

Oh gosh, not a uniform

I wear a uniform to work, I have two degrees and I don’t live off a man’s earnings. I’ll stick with the uniform, thanks!

Plenty of people wear uniforms to work 🙄

Plenty also work and have children etc to sort, some even work full time and manage this!!

Hes not being unreasonable at all. I'm the higher earner and the pressure there with 2 of us working is immense.

As long as he's willing to pull his weight and do his fair share I agree with him.

Children with significant SEN, who are often not in school even close to FT, is a whole different ball game and yes, often does require a SAHP or low PT hours even when DC are in school.