DH pressuring me to find a job

The way I see it:

If the household is struggling financially and you need the other funds to maintain a reasonable standard of living, you should pull your socks up.

However, if he's on a decent salary (80k+) rinse him in the divorce, take his house and he'll learn to be careful what he wishes for, lol!

It really depends on how much you think the household is struggling, OP.

Working is a good idea because you will have your own income and pension. Being dependent financially on a bloke makes you very vulnerable. Investigate before and after school care, holiday care etc because once you start work you will need it. Make it clear that you aren't paying for all of that yourself. Then decide what career you want. Research what training may be useful, and if there are any courses you can do before September to develop your skills and experiences. Then start to apply with a view to starting a job on September. Value your own worth. He's a solicitor with a great job? So what. You too could do that or be that. Infact you can be whatever you want. And being a solicitor with a great job doesn't mean he gets to shirk his responsibilities. Those kids are his too. His when they need feeding, taking to school or entertaining.

I agree with @C152.

And being a working mum is often a completely different gig to being a working dad.

If you get a job with any degree of challenge, you'll be running around like a blue-arsed fly trying to juggle everything while Mr Corporate swans in and out, loftily above such matters as clean PE kit and dirty breakfast bowls.

Of course he should do his share if you're now splitting the breadwinning. But he won't, will he?

What a load of bull.

DD gets a 'decent breakfast' every morning of porridge or scrambled egg and toast or omelette. None of these take more than 10 mins to make.

'Decent pack lunch' - sandwich, fruit, veg, cheese or yoghurt and water in the bottle. I defy anyone to turn making that in to more than a 5 minute task.

From the age of 5/6 your kids should be capable of getting themselves washed and dressed and they don't need to take much to school so bags are pretty much ready to go without any intervention in the morning.

So there's absolutely no way you could possibly be spending 2 hours in the morning doing that.

Within that 2 hour window there's plenty of time to get yourself ready, wash up breakfast stuff, run the hoover/mop around if needed.

A 'decent dinner' takes no more time to cook than what I assume you believe to be an indecent dinner.

Chicken breast on one tray, brocolli and cauliflower on another, season as desired and put in oven for 30 minutes, add microwave rice. Prep 5 minutes, cooking time 30 minutes, serve.

If you choose to make your life difficult and time consuming then that's your choice, but don't make out it's not possible to provide healthy food and a clean house while also working and having downtime.

@Macadamiamama

With comfortable earnings he is allready making why doesn't he provide paid support help at home such as proffessional cleaner and home etc help then?

Make life easier in some ways for you and family
Make family work life balance better then?

So you don't feel so pressurised as a family unit

especially going to work idea yourself etc

Get a job. Lazy and entitled not to.

Frankly I think a lot of longer term SAHP get used to doing things with fuss and/or at a niiiiiice leisurely pace and can't even comprehend that a lot of what they do is either unnecessary or can be done in a great deal less time. You can certainly see this with my parents, who having been retired a decade have long lost sight of the idea that tasks can be done any way other than one at a time, with maximum fuss. "Work expands to fill the time available" is very true, IME.

I won't soon forget the SAHM of school-aged DC on here for whom one of the reasons she couldn't possibly work was that "the online shop arrives on Wednesday and needs put away". The online shop, FFS.

OP have a look on the TES website, it advertises jobs in schools-exam season is fast approaching and many schools need exam invigilators for May & June to supervise GCSEs and A levels. It's not glamorous or well paid but it's a start & you can get yr foot in the door of a local school. Might lead to other opportunities....& you'll still have Summer holidays free to hatch a plan for September. I've been a SAHM for 20 years-worked my arse off! Is depressing to think how little money I'll be earning but I do voluntary work as well which is rewarding.

Many people work in the evenings when the children are small to get around the problems you have if it's a day time position / school holiday time off etc.
I couldn't do this as my dh worked away a lot for weeks on end and I didn't have any one to care for them , but if his around that might work as some shifts might not start till 7 pm.
It's a foot in the door at least doing it that way to start with, but depends what is around in your area and how easy it is to get to and so on.

Yes, like a barrister!

I'm not sure that post did SAHPs a lot of service tbh.

Here's mine from my FT work with primary school age children.

7-8.15 - make decent breakfast, make decent packed lunches, help get ready, cycle children to school, go to work

8.15-4.15 - paid job (7.5 hours, plus 0.5 hours lunch break during which I often did things like read school correspondence and order things online)

4.15 -8 - go to school and then home, make decent homemade dinner, ferry back and forth to extra curricular, do household jobs, garden etc, help with homework, reading to them, bath (yes, granted DH was around for the 6-8pm bit of this period, but I think that's true for lots of SAHPs as well.

Yes, that's less downtime than the SAHP, but equally I'm not sure I'd consider a lot of those things to be very hard work. For example, I like reading to my children! And meals have to be made whether there is children or not.

Nor is it the work life balance those that do it in under 17 hours aspire to. You're lucky you have the choice to faff around that much be a SAHP, because it is a choice.
What do you aspire to?

You're getting a bit of a rough ride here, OP, without people acknowledging some core realities, like the fact that minimum wage jobs are a poverty trap rather than a way out.

I can see both sides. I've been both the sole earner and the SAHP. Even though he's in a good job with, presumably, a pretty decent salary, the responsibility for being solely responsible for other people's welfare can sometimes be quite a stressful burden. I think it would be unusual if it hadn't at least once crossed his mind, what happens if I get made redundant? What happens if the mortage increases beyond x amount? It can make you resent the other person, who you may think has it easy because they don't have to constantly worry about these things.

From my own SAHP point of view, it is extremely hard to get back into to the workforce after 5+ years out of it, particularly if you didn't have a good, steady job before you left and you haven't stayed in touch with your contacts. Added to that, local jobs where you can rock up at 10am and leave at 2pm are rare. (And if it wasn't local, forget those hours, because at least where I live, there's no way public transport would get me from the school to town within 1hr.) People suggesting lunchtime supervisor shifts have got to be having a laugh. Yes, those jobs are always advertised at the local schools in my area too - they can't fill them because they are minimum wage and are only 1 hour in the middle of every day, meaning it's highly unlikely you'll find another job to fit around them.

So, although he's not unreasonable for wishing you would share the financial burden with him, your DH is very unreasonable for not wishing to help pay for your further education which, one would hope, would lead to better prospects for you. He's also unreasonable to expect you to continue to be a full time carer for your children and manage the household while working. Have you thought in any detail about what you actually want? You mentioned education - is there a skills-based course you want to do that would help you get a job? Would you be happier to get a part time or a full time role? Would you be happy working if your DH paid for a childminder to do some/all school drop off and pick ups or looked after them after school on the days you're working?

The longer you are out of work, the harder it is going to be to get a job. Kids in reception is a good time to try and pick something up part-time. Some of the local mums round here do a couple of bar shifts.

Well, don't hate me, however....
I came here 20 years ago, also from another country, also started studying (so I could learn English at a proficient level).
My husband never pressured me to find work (we are landlords, child free) and I never wanted to, honestly.
We also don't need to check supermarket prices and I would love to live in an apartment rather than a house.
It's about individual people and choices, I don't see why a well paid lawyer needs to pressure you.
🙂
Soz if I didn't get the plot, I live in a fairytale land, or so my nasty relatives seem to think.

It sounds like you've had your confidence knocked by being out of the workforce for so long and potentially being undermined/made to feel that your contribution isn't valued by your DH.

You can definitely get a job - it might not be your ideal job, but you'll get something. And you can definitely work up from there until more opportunities open up for you. You'll gain in confidence as you start to feel more independent and self-sufficient, and it will be infinitely better than being supported by someone who resents you and doesn't value you.

It will be tough. There will be a lot to juggle. You will find that you can do it, but you will feel exhausted and mentally fried at times with the challenge of not dropping any balls.

Your "D"H may or may not step up to help. The truth is that you have become default, he views you that way and so you can't make him. If he doesn't, I predict that you may well be back on these boards in 6-7 years time, with your youngest about to start secondary and even more independence in sight, saying "AIBU to divorce my husband and take half of everything, we both work full-time but I do everything at home and for the kids".

I'd consider a career in the civil service - government departments like the Home Office, HMRC etc have really good flexible working options, garaunteed pension, and hybrid/working from home. A lot of positions don't require qualifications and you can even earn a qualification whilst you are in the job. Google civil service jobs.

Wearing a uniform,the ignominy
8 year at uni, two degree and a postgrad. Yea I wore a uniform
actully it was really liberating. Literally didn’t have to think what to wear to work
i am in civvies now, way more tricky

OP, if he's a well paid lawyer in London and you still have no luxuries beyond supermarket shopping, what does he do with the money? Do you have full access to your finances?

As for the Yes, I'm sure people will be on this thread saying 'I do all that and I work full time' and if you do, and thus work 9+8=17 hours a day, then that would not be a work life balance I'd aspire to. - it is quite interesting to ponder that for working women, the time we are expected to do all the cooking and cleaning and homework etc, is considered time off.

Most of my TA friends have to do courses , had to go for four hour interviews for jobs , do exams and all sorts in order to then be offered fixed term contracts which don't offer wages during the holidays. I wasn't surprised, but I think that people assume it's easy to get and do and I don't it is anymore. Schools expect a lot more than they did years ago when it was relatively easier to find a job like that.
It's worth looking into though as at least the holidays are then sorted.

You’ve constructed a list of tasks and embellished it as if it’s a job & onerous. Utter nonsense. Working parents manage jobs & life chores, you are being avoidant and disingenuous

I want to know too. 😂 But it takes two hours, so it must be Michelin standard breakfast.

What’s your degree in Op? And your work experience to date. Maybe people could suggest job options knowing this info.
If you’ve not had uk student finance you may be eligible for funding to retrain.

Get a job yes. Start contributing and stop finding reasons not to work. You’re being lazy & entitled. Get a job for your own self worth, to have an experience other than consuming and spending his money. You’ll meet people,have to engage and you’ll probably enjoy the experience (if you’re open to change)

Most people manage this, including making decent food. It’s just silly to compare it to working tbh.