DH pressuring me to find a job

@Macadamiamama
just to add - you mention DH won’t pay for further education, but I went back to uni and did an MA (and now a PhD), and got a govt student loan (11.5k pa for the MA; 9.7k for the PhD) - None of it is repayable until I am earning over a certain amount. And any unpaid balance will be written off at 60. It’s my debt, so DH has no input, but you could do this, pay fees (was about £5.5k so remaining money was ‘mine’) but you could contribute to family finances with that.

You’d meet other non-mummy people to make new friends and find ways into work through the university network? It can be a juggle fitting assignments around sick kids etc, but there are loads of ways to apply for extensions on compassionate grounds if a crisis happens. Unis are geared towards students with additional needs, such as childcare responsibilities. It would help you rebuild your confidence and step out of the parenting bubble - which may be what DH is actually hoping will happen?

Depending on which field of law her DH is in and which firm he works for he won’t necessarily be well paid, or only in so much as he can have afforded for OP to be a SAHM/W for the past few years. I mean they’re still in a flat and most parents with DC move into a house at this stage. But you need two incomes to afford that.

They’re being stricter who they hire as clerical bank NHS staff or a friend told me this last year.

The op will have 2 jobs (work and home) rather than one whilst the husband gets to continue not doing his share in the home? Hardly sounds fair.

This^
You clearly have made sacrifices, moved to a foreign country away from you family where perhaps your qualifications aren't recognised and looked after your joint children so having DC has had no impact in DHs working life.
However for your own security going back to work could be a positive thing.
I would try and find a job that uses your qualifications and take a course if need be.
You are also entitled to have a fulfilling career not just a job.
What would you like to do? It's scary going back to work but you have loads of skills as a parent and you may enjoy it.
However it needs to be clear to DH that when you find work he will need do 50 /50 of childcare- school drops/ sick days/ medical appts/ school holidays/ school activities like book day costumes etc and 50/50 of running the house- cleaning/ washing/shopping/ cooking/ admin/ organising holidays birthdays xmas etc to enable you to work.
If you've been at home with DC a lot of what you do will have been invisible work so when you do go back to work do sit down and have a discussion about fair share of household load

Temp work or try to get on clerical bank for NHS gives you more flexibility with your hours .

I don’t know. Cost of childcare here makes it easy to fall into mum staying at home until they go to school but that doesn’t explain the mentality that many have to begin with.

I think both of you are being a bit unreasonable. Your husband wants you to contribute but with no impact on his lifestyle. I think he is also underestimating the monetary value of what you do in the home. However I think for any modern woman it's very risky to be financially reliant on a male partner. Therefore make a plan to find a job and build up your finances. As there will be a big financial discrepancy in earnings, make sure you're not expected to pay 50/50 as that would be very unfair to you.

But why is it like this in the UK though? Because it certainly is not like this where I live. And hasn’t been since the 50s.

I guess the less you do the more everything seems like work. An ordinary task that most people don’t even think about or do in 10 minutes inbetween something else becomes a huge task. Like a decent breakfast and walking to school and back.

Your husband doesn't appear to earn that much money. Do you actually know how much your husband earns and if you have savings?

It is very telling that when you did WFH, you still had to do the kids and housework. What was the story there? Did you get childcare, or did you try to work and look after your own children simultaneously, thus short-changing both parties? Your husband doesn't have to bring his kids to work, so if you did, why did this happen?

I think your husband wants to have his cake and eat it. He wants you to earn money and be his childcare and housekeeper. He's choosing jobs where you get paid for your time, rather than advanced skills, so he can timetable you into doing housework and childcare, as you have a "token" job. This means the alpha can come home with his briefcase in the evenings and be fussed over and fed.

You will become de-skilled over time and if your marriage ends, you will be poor. I feel concerned that you have a degree, yet consider yourself to have little to offer. Did you feel this way before you were married? I think you should get professional career advice. I think you should consider your role within this household.

I genuinely find it shocking how many women still believe having a baby entitles them to never work again. It feels like an attitude that should’ve gone out with the 50s.

The competition for TA's is brutal. I know a teacher who trained at Cambridge uni who have been turned down for TA positions. It's also paid monopoly money and for that pittance you are expected to be able to withstand boundless physical and mental abuse.

I have worked myself when the children were small etc , but I don't agree with posters who feel being at home with children or babies are lazy ( be that a male or a female )
It's actually hard going.
the stay at home v working parents has been done to death on mumsnet and I can see both sides of the arguments and I've known people who had children and never worked much since.
It's their business.
You also need your partner or husband on board 100 percent for childcare and pitching in and that can be as tricky too for many for all manner of reasons. Many have family around and I was always envious of those people with on tap childcare for free! They seemed to thrive.
The work place isn't designed for people with children in the UK mostly due to costs , but that's just my opinion. I feel it's going backwards in terms of help available.
( as the ' pregnant and screwed ' article lady who was on lbc pointed out the other week)

@shepherdsangeldelight

The DH being around bit is the point I was making. I think a lot of posters missed the bit in the opening post that the ops dh is not intending to pitch in at all. He doesn't seem to realise that there is any work at involved in being a sahp to school age dc. Like many posters on this thread don't. And still don't, given some of the pointless defensive outrage at my post.

I think the dh just needs laying out for him, how much extra he would need to pick up depending on the hours the op does.

When I was a sahm, I always thought the person who benefitted the most out of it was my working husband, because I got absolutely everything done whilst he was at work. He could just come home and play cricket in the garden with his dc if he wanted. He didn't know anything about if they'd done their hw or not, who mowed the lawn etc etc he didn't need to worry about any of it.

Thank you for the breakdown of your day. I'd always wondered how the complete sahp parent role plus full time work would actually break down, but I see you can achieve it by cycling to school (I guess school have a bike rack), having a hands on Co-parent, and picking up more of the errands at weekends. My point is to make sure the dh is aware of that.

I think you'd find that getting a job would help a lot with your confidence once you've got over the initial hurdle.

@Macadamiamama sadly not just your H who’s a bit of a dick head, MN is awash with them these days

if your dumb ass H won’t help around the house or with the kids, how does he think this work malarkey will benefit the home/kids?

waitresses and coffee shop people work early/late and some weekends, how does he propose to support that?

you do need to protect yourself and your situation, this is highly unbalanced

if your dc are only now at reception, the only time you have available is VERY short. You should look at becoming a TA, but even then there will be inset days etc to cover

im all for women empowering themselves and getting back to work if that is what they want/need to do, but it’s a FAMILY decision and adjustments need to be made by everyone. He will need to step up as a parent / man to do his share

Yep, you are being superior and unreasonably so. What kind of job do you expect to walk into when you haven’t worked for 9 years and by the sounds of it not that much work experience? You have been supported for 9 years, lm not surprised he’s sick of it especially with the cost of living crisis. But he needs to realise things will need to change got him as well, as he will need to do more round the house and with the children. He can’t have it both ways

I can see both point of views but there is something I don't understand:

Your partner is a 'well paid lawyer' in London yet you don't take any holidays and it sounds like you have a property that doesn't give a lot of space for kids.

You currently have no childcare cost or a cleaner, as you do everything, so where exactly is the money going?

I would sit down with your partner and have a frank conversation about this and start agreeing a joint plan to get you back to work but also look at the current family finances in details.

I can see that it is a good suggestion for you to find work.

But you might have to do some training or even voluntary work to get some experience and references first if you have been away from the workplace for years before you can get something so he needs to understand that.

He also need to grasp that if you work then you are no longer able to provide all the childcare and do all the housework and that means he will have to pul this weight and that there is also a cost associated to child care.

It sounds to me like a rather unequal relationship from the outside. It should be a partnership that benefit both parents, not just him controlling everything and always getting the best deal...

Wow

Hoppinggreen · Today 10:52

You arent a suit wearing lawyer, you married one.

Exactly. There's a bit of wanting the reflected glory, methinks.

You could always train as a lawyer, OP. 😁

You need to ensure that you aren’t the one making all the compromises if you get a job, so it’s not always you that takes leave if one of the dc is sick, for example. However, you need to understand your finances: if he’s so well paid, how come you never have holidays? Do you even know his salary/what’s left on the mortgage? If not, is he financially controlling you?

I agree with pp, there is no reason why you can’t get a job if the dc are at school, that’s an awfully long time being home alone otherwise.

You are being very short sighted here. Grab this opportunity to work your way into the career you desire... You are in a very enviable position to this now whilst the pressure to earn is off and you can juggle part-time. Make sure you ring fence that time for your career as kids grow quickly - it doesn't seem like it at the time, but the years fly past. You do not want to be older, less confident, zero experience, woman expected to be the one on hand to do all the household chores -(which in time, you will feel so resentful of). Yes, life will be full on in the moment, but you are investing in yourself, in your family.

So I say grab this opportunity. This is exciting. You husband sounds supportive. He also sounds stressed, which is terrible for his health and remember you are completely relying on him atm. Give it a try, you can always adjust as you go along. Be a team with your husband. I actually do think this is in your best interest, especially if you apply a bit of vision and drive to whatever direction /goal you set yourself - your future self will thank you.

(PS Since our second child I've had the privilege to work part-time (best of both worlds, completely manic when the kids are young I grant you, but I got to see them grow). And once they were up a bit, back to full time, which I am so grateful for.

Working towards your own financial independence is an absolutely priceless opportunity. Bite the bullet I say, it is in your best interest in the long run.

You have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life because your husband has worked non stop for the past 9 years.

I expect he would like to have time to spend at home and with his kids too sometimes, but he had to give that up so you could be at home.

It doesn't matter if you only bring in an extra tenner a week, it's time for you to step up too.

It's also in your own best interests.
What happens if your relationship breaks down in another 9 years and you have a nearly 20 year gap since you last worked with no experience, no up to date skills and no way to support yourself?
The older you are, the harder it is to get back into work so starting now is easier than starting in another few years.

Very few people nowadays have the luxury to only pick a job that suits them, that they love and that pays well.
You need to just get on with it, make it through the next few years of childcare taking most of your wages (but your pension being added to and your skills being up to date) knowing that soon enough, the childcare years will be over and you will be able to get a payrise while your costs go down a little.

It's also setting a really good example to your children.
What you do matters.

It's about individual people and choices, I don't see why a well paid lawyer needs to pressure you.

Because it’s his choice whether or not he funds her not working, and he’s decided he doesn’t want to. Individual people and choices, like you say.