DH pressuring me to find a job

He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!

Well he’s a knob.

Draw up a list of everything he will have to do when you go back to work.

And make the fucker work!

Does he think you will be finding a 9 am-3 pm job with all school holidays off and that's without the travel to/from your children's school/s and your place of work.

When one of the children is off sick and not at school will he take the time off work to care for the child - as surely he won't expect you to do that each and every time...

Even a TA's at your child's school will work longer hours, i.e. 15 mins before school starts and 15 mins after school finishes and if the TA also does breakfast club or after school club then that needs to be taken into account too.

The only school position |I can think of that will be less hours than a school day, is a lunchtime assistant, poss 11 am - 1.30 pm or thereabouts so 2.5 hours x 5 days for 39 weeks of the year at min wage = £465 per month before pension contributions being taken out.

Would you be expected to do the cooking / cleaning / shopping / laundry / ironing / childcare / dentist apts etc. when you finish work,

or will he be sharing that with you at weekends...

What's wrong with doing a job where you wear a uniform?
I did when l was with the police (28 years) and l do now working in a supermarket. Am l missing something?

Frankly in most families both of the adults work, whether full or part time. They manage the household chores and parenting on top of that.

As a woman I have never not wanted my own career / job. Its part of my identity as well as giving me the self respect of being able to provide for myself / family.

Personally I think you do need to make a step towards establishing your own career/ working life. I understand a lawyer will do long hours but he is also well paid by most people's standards and can afford to pay for a cleaner and a bit of childcare for school aged children. He can also do more childcare and chores.

And it's also the case that busier people are more efficient at using time. Years ago when I worked 3 days a week, and my first child went to nursery 2 and a half hours a day, I planned my child free time on those two days away from work with military precision - doing all the chores I couldn't do with her around. Now my kids are grown and I have one day off in the week, I fritter the time away unless I have made advance plans.

You'll work out what you can fit in around work and you'll find there is more time than you think.

Well this post is a bit of a stretch from reality

WFH didn't work last time because DCs were there, but now they are all at school or nursery, it could be different.

Also in real life with most couples I know, when the DCs are young,there is generally one person with the big money earning job and one who works less hours to allow them to work round the DC to some extent.

He isn't asking her to bring in an equal salary, just make some attempt to earn money now that she has some free time during the day. I agree it may not work out as planned and the house is likely to be less well maintained and the meals less proper, but rejecting any form of job doesn't feel acceptable to me, or maybe I'm just jealous as Ive always worked apart from 10 months maternity leave.

I don't know how he thinks you will have time to work as a waitress on your feet until midnight and manage the home and kids?
You'd be on minimum wage anyway. What skills do you have? If you've got a degree then you should be able to get entry level work in many places for ok wages.
Definitely get your CV out there and start applying for stuff.

Unless he steps up it will be you doing all the cleaning, cooking , washing When the kids are sick you will have to take the time off work. You need a very serious conversation . But you need to think about your own financial security as well

What was your degree in?

selfish & entitled to want to be kept with zero financial contribution. Happy for him to be the work donkey whilst she consumes

He’s not asking you to do anything millions of other mum’s don’t do. YABU because you feel entitled to live off his money when he’s telling you he’s not comfortable with that, and you want a bigger house. Maybe he feels that with the pressure of his job and the long hours, he’d like a few of the luxuries the family goes without so you can stay home.

And probably won't be back, because it's not going the way she'd like. But then if it takes 2 hours to make breakfast, then anything's possible...😂

She says she tried that last year but it was impossible, presumably because she didn’t have childcare in place or children in nursery/preschool.

I think what’s happened is they had a discussion when DC were born about her being a SAHM/W to save on nursery fees and being good for the children and she’s agreed to this without thinking it through rationally, she doesn’t say if she’s had help with housework eg a cleaner but as a pp says a flat doesn’t require much cleaning.

Are DH’s parents in a position to help out with some childcare?

Can you do something working from home? I haven’t had a job in 20 years but have managed to support myself by selling travel as an independent agent and other things.

I agree with this.

He can’t be that well paid if he can only afford to buy a flat in London area. Depending on his fees and how he works he might be working for himself but he’s probably on £72,000 which is average for a London lawyer, which isn’t a huge amount if you’re covering 2 salaries like he’s doing.

I really wouldn’t recommend teaching, most I know have left or are only doing it because they have no choice. I certainly wouldn’t do it. My DM and her friends were primary teachers.

What other plans do you have when your children are in school? It's not unreasonable for him to want you to contribute financially, but it's not unreasonable for you to want him to do more of his fair share with home/children either.

What is wrong with being a SAHM/housewife if you can afford to do so?

You can’t be a housewife if the sole-earner doesn’t want to be the sole-earner any more.

You don’t need to get a ‘good’ job.

You need to get ‘a’ job and work towards getting a good job.

You are being superior and it is unfair to not work.

Regards the house, you pay a cleaner to come, either once or twice a week or once for a longer session every two weeks. DH pays half.

Yes, do sit down and berate the only working adult. Tell him his financial contributions is equal to her noncontribution. Disregard that he pays the food,accommodation and clothing. Ahh yes tell him he’d be nothing without her. She made him the man and lawyer he is, he owes it all to her.

Maybe he doesn’t want all of the financial burden and responsibility any more?

Maybe he wants to lower his hours and spend more time with his children?

Maybe he feels adults should work once children are at school?

I don’t see anything wrong with that at all.

Unless they have two working parents and only one does any chores or childcare. Then it is pretty shocking (but sadly not an anomaly).

So he has “supported you for 9 years”? While you have been bringing up his children and looking after the housework (presumably, with laundry and cooking thrown in?) since he only helps YOU with the kids baths?
You need to sit him down, explain how looking after a house and kids is equal to the hours that he does at work, and, indeed, allows him to hold that job!
That being said, if you’re to find paid employment once your youngest goes to school and you are willing to do this, find out FIRST how much it will cost him to pay for a cleaner and childcare once you’re otherwise employed, and enlist his undoubtedly realistic help in getting you a job that will make you both better off, while paying for the domestic tasks that you’ll no longer be able to fulfil, due to having that paid job he so desires for you!

You need to go back to work because he doesn't agree to you being a SAHM.

However, do your absolute best not to get a part-time dead-end job. He won't respect it, and you'll end up a drudge, doing everything and getting nowhere.

Get a full-time job with some prospect of progression. Tell him he'll need to do half of everything regarding the kids/house, including drop-offs and pickups.

If you have to do a second shift, so does he.