DH pressuring me to find a job

Plenty of people work without having a SAHP at home.

OP has a degree and worked afterwards.
Then had a family.

The idea that all the family money is her husbands is quite shocking tbh. I wonder if she’s walking round in rags as clearly apparently she has no right to anything.

They are a partnership, married with children. Dhs wages are family money. He does not have total control of family money just because OP isn’t in paid work whilst she’s been having kids.
If OP wants to retrain it’s not her dhs decision, it’s a family decision with each of them having equal say.

Furthermore
OP retraining for a higher level job as she already has a degree will give her, in theory, the opportunity for a higher salary which will benefit the whole family. This will also give her the ability to pay more into her own pension. I’m sure her dh has a pension which he’s been paying into for the 9 years OP has been bringing up the kids. I would also advice OP paying more into her pension as she’s lost out on those years which she has every right to do, to bring it inline with her dhs.

This is all covered in her OP. Whether her degree was transferable to UK I’m unsure.

Oh I don’t deny this at all! I know most working mums (and most work) who either retrain whilst their DC are young (before starting school) or deliberately return to work sooner than they’d like because in some cases they know that time off looking after children will mean their career drops several rungs on the ladder.

But OP made the decision to do what she did regardless.

9 years is a bloody long time and she could’ve got a masters, PhD and completely retrained but she didn’t. I can’t work out if she wanted to be a SAHM/W forever or if she wanted to return to work as she did wfh last year.

OP has posted here before (I checked) so she might be back…

What is your educational background? What jobs have you held in the past? Have you looked at returners programs like https://careerreturners.com/returners/returner-opportunities-programmes/ or https://www.ten2two.org/ which specialises in advertising jobs that can work around school times.

Getting back into work at this stage isn’t a bad thing at all. Your husband thinking it shouldn’t impact him at all or that you’ll have all the time in the world is ridiculous. I would also question him not wanting you to upskill at all, additional training could really help your confidence.

I don’t think you need to look at low skill, low pay jobs, there is much more out there for you, I am sure. If you do work full time you can get wrap around care for your children, hire a cleaner, and your husband can shoulder life admin along with you.

And also nothing wrong with uniformed entry level roles.

As for skilled professionals, I'm sure the people who delivered your babies were wearing uniforms OP. Stop being an uninformed snob.

I thought you’re a bit unreasonable until I read he disagrees to pay for further education. Yes, you can do casual jobs but you should also be at least a little fulfilled. Time to make a plan and to make it clear it’s not a fairy that comes around to deal with the house and kids; if you’re contributing financially he has do contribute domestically

Why should she have been retraining before the youngest went to school though?

Remember that he has benefitted massively from having no childcare responsibilities right through the preschool years.

And remember that he doesn’t want her to retrain or anything that might cost money. Just get a minimum wage job immediately (but presumably still be providing childcare services so he doesn’t need to interrupt his Important Work with that).

Yes, she should think about retraining and building a career now. Especially since she seems to have minimal access to money despite there being plenty of it in the marriage. But I don’t really see why you think not having done so previously is some sort of terrible failing.

(I say that as someone who has never been a SAHM and has mostly been the main earner in my household - but without the luxury of a SAHP to make that easier. I still don’t understand the nastiness aimed at the OP because she’s not delighted to try to get a care work job the instant her husband has decreed she must contribute financially - beyond saving them tens of thousands in nursery fees).

OP has told us her DH works very long hours and has little time for the DC. He also expects his life not to change at all. So it isn't going to be a split shifts scenario. He's not prepared, which is the whole point.

The trouble is that the (fundamentally conservative) 'girl boss/just do it' narrative hides the fact that structural inequality means that the vast majority of women single parents are fucked.

Nurses go out of the house in a uniform
You need to get over yourself 🤦🏼‍♀️

And they probably won't return

So he gets to have the fun and exciting career and she just gets the job to bring in a bit of extra money. Doesn't seem very equal. He should facilitate her to have a career of her choosing (within reason) if they are both going to work, and that may mean him making some changes to his life.

What that she needs to get a job (without any further training) and continue to have 100% of the childcare and household responsibility (since she’s a women)?

The time she should have been retraining was before the youngest child went to school. The OP ought to have anticipated and planned for a return to work. She even describes the 9 years as a "break".

However I don't think it matters what anyone posts because I doubt this OP is coming back to her thread.

I agree with your husband.

What degree did you do? Have you transferable skills? Worked 2 nights a week as a staff nurse when the kids were young.Wearing a uniform can show you have a professional job and can give you independence and a self of worth.Plenty of women work and manage childcare .

She’s financially dependent. He’s the sole earner. She’s beneficiary of his salary. She consumes he earns & pays for everything. Maybe you find that unpalatable,but it’s true. It’s not a partnership, she knows he is exhausted & stressed and does nothing to contribute or alleviate that. No woman has a right to be the beneficiary of the money just because she’s a parent. Not unreasonably he’s asking his smart degree educated wife to get a job. She’s aghast because well, it involves effort. So she’s tied it up in verbal gymnastics of double shift when actually it’s just doing what most other folk manage day to day. Op is putting up barriers and not now…yea but no but..uniform but.. she wants to consume

Him sounding like an arse aside…

Look at skills bootcamps to help you get into a career. https://find-employer-schemes.education.gov.uk/schemes/skills-bootcamps

It would depend what hours he workd I suppose. Many couples work opposite shifts. My dad worked days and my mum evenings when I was a baby so there were no childcare costs at all. But he'd have to be prepared to step up with household stuff.

If you have no debt (presumably you own the flat outright) and he’s a fairly senior lawyer, why is there no money?

Is he financially abusing you?

Part time and part time around school hours aren't the same thing.

But it goes to my point: the reason OPs DH wants her to start working now in these roles is financial. He thinks the household will see more money if she begins work in a low paid, inflexible role now, rather than funding retraining. He's talked about retraining taking money from the kids.

That is optimistic, as well as short sighted. The fact that lots of single mums manage to pay the bills in those jobs whilst simultaneously receiving substantial childcare funding doesn't change that.

Many are definitely, but there are also very successful single parents out there, not all are in poverty! I know one woman who is a millionaire off her own back. Obviously that's rare but I don't like this idea that we can't possibly make anything of ourselves as it's "too hard".

So he’s going to be doing his share of the school runs and taking days off when the kids are off school? And he’s going to be popping by Tesco on his way home from
work to do the big shop? And his half of the housework?

Lovely. Make all of that clear and start making plans to get the qualifications and experience you need to build a career.

What is your degree?

It would depend what job she got, obviously but if she got something part time.