DH pressuring me to find a job

Well the DH didn’t seem to have an issue with her being home until now? I’m guessing since they are a partnership and married that it was mutually agreed rather than the OP insisting. And we have seen that he barely made it home for bathtime very occasionally so on paper it has served him well in his career.

I’m still wondering where all the money goes…

Am I being too superior

That is putting it a lot more politely than I would.

@Peaceandquietandacuppa So many people wrongly assume TA'ing fits in around kids, but likely OP would need wraparound care before and after school and the pay is absolutely horrendous. Nowhere near the "equivalent" of minimum wage as not ft hours.
@OOBetty I couldn't agree more. Husband and I both work but we both take time off if our toddler poorly/needs taking to appts etc. In fact, he does far more of that than me as his work is flexible whereas mine is not. I'm a teacher so yes, I look after little one in school holidays, but there are very strict rules surrounding time off in term time.
No idea why the onus in 2024 is still on women to do the majority of childcare or why we should be accepting/facilitating this. Or indeed why women shouldn't be contributing financially to the upbringing of their children.

Oh, I'm not denying that it might make his life easier. Just as her life will be easier by virtue of not having to worry about earning a living. In that sense, they each make each other's lives easier.

To be clear, I'm not saying that SAHPs add no value. Of course, it would be nice to not have to think about the housework and come home to a cooked meal. I'm simply saying that it's primarily a benefit in terms of lifestyle - I don't think that having a SAHP typically any real impact on the WOHP's career progression, though there may be very occasional exceptions to this, e.g. in careers where there are global mobility requirements and/or extensive hosting requirements etc.

Care work. Join local NHS bank and work hours you chose. You don’t have set hours so if need be off for a school event or holidays then you simply don’t work those times. It’s a 24/7 demand inc weekend and BH there is a flexibility of hour you chose

Go to work, it will be nice for you after all this time at home but be sure he understands that any time the children are sick he will have to take time off work and drop offs and pick ups/holiday etc will have to be shared.

Totally, they should share. He should not be the only one carrying a financial burden. I am a wife, been sole bread winner, done that. Not in a million years would I pay for my husband's career enhancement, whist busting my gut to pay for everything else. Family needs are here and now - and the nebulous prospects of career advancement of a foreigner in the UK past the age of 30 with 9 years of economic inactivity?

Exactly.

I understand the principle about childcare being a shared expense, albeit it's sometimes one that can't be afforded. But when one partner wants the SAHP to get a job to improve the finances, obviously in order to know whether it would actually do that, the full costs of the childcare this requires have to be offset against the lower earner's wage. And only theirs.

None of which is to say there aren't sometimes other good reasons for working, even at very little benefit or a loss. But they don't tell us whether working in a particular job now is going to make the household more money than, say, retraining and working later.

The fact you are only now thinking about all of this is questionable. Why on earth didn't you consider this before, and make plans over the 9 years you had?

If not the husband, I suspect that poster is looking to just be deliberately provocative.

I empathise OP, I would be riled if my DH said I had to find a job as soon as the kids go to school. Oh and he plans to do FA to help at home if you find a job. Pretty sure we live in the century where men don't get to tell their wives what to do. There shouldn't be any time pressure on it. You've contributed to the household by providing childcare which is way bloody harder than any job. You've enabled his career. Now he needs to support you finding employment, which after a break might take time. I would think about what you want to do, make a plan, perhaps you need to do a course, take some training and study. Don't rush into something just because your husband says you should.
Ask him what his plan is for managing the home when you're working. Hire a cleaner, tell him he will need to take on 50% of the load or pay for someone to do his share if he can't be arsed.

"He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!"

Time for a serious sit-down at the table with pen and paper and a list of 'what do we do when?'.

What do we do when the children are sick and can't go to school?
What do we do when the children are on school holidays?
What do we do when the children are on school inset days?
What do we do when the children have medical/dental appointments?

That's just off the top of my head, I'm sure you can add loads more events which are 'covered' by there being a stay-at-home-parent.

And of course, the last item on the list should be:

What do we do when the I am sacked for the amount of time I have taken off work to attend to the foregoing 'what if's??

There are lots of coding courses around - 16 weeks to become fully trained and lots are gov funded. Then a lot of working at home. The suggestion of TA or admin in a school is good too.

Whether you work from home or not, you need concrete agreement from your DH that if you work X hours, this will reduce your time on household tasks and you still need to pick up the kids. So he needs to a) increase his involvement in household tasks and childcare or b) contribute financially to a cleaner/ dry cleaning / after school club etc.

There really doesn’t need to be any more flexibility than for the dad once they start back working after kids.
Two people had kids together so
Two people take care of kids and other stuff.

They don’t need any more flexibility than their husbands
Its called equality

I agree - but the husband can’t have it both ways. If you choose the ‘economic reality’ view then it is also the economic reality that she needs to retrain. He needs to support her while she does.

I can see your husband’s perspective because even if you only earned a modest salary it would contribute to being able to get a bigger mortgage to upsize and go on a holiday or have other luxuries.

HOWEVER I am a City lawyer on a reasonable salary and I would never expect my DH to do the jobs you have listed. There is absolutely nothing wrong with those jobs of course except they earn maybe 10-15% of what I make in a year. It wouldn’t be worth the stress unless it was something he really wanted to do for himself.

As parents we know the school hours go by in a flash and there are always plenty of things that need seeing to at home. Plus school is term times only so you’d be out of pocket paying for holiday childcare etc.

I think if he’s on his way up in his career and you’re looking after the home life side of things then that’s a fair balance and he’s being pretty unreasonable to push it.

I must add in London there are flats and flats. Mansion block 2 bed in good area @ a £million
I dont think she’s in a flat above a food outlet in dire straits
in London there’s is no big deal about living in a flat. It’s not seen as a compromise or being poor. The trade off is a flat in nice zone 1-2 can be cost of a house on outskirts. That’s the reality
op does chores, she’s not actually doing any of the professional legal he does, she’s not making contribution that adds to his competences, his cod or skills. She’s being a parent & doing the regular chores everyone else does whilst working
All this she maintains & support him is clearly untrue because he’s stressed and seeking a change, want her to get employment. So, if she was so pivotal and responsible for his success why is he unhappy? He’s probably unhappy because he carries all financial responsibilities and sees that stretching out in front of them with her taking no responsibility and her not seeking any discernible changes . What a life being the work donkey whilst she…she..she does pretty much nowt to contribute

@PrincessHoneysuckle TAs often start work at 8.30/8.45 and finish around 3.30ish (all being well!) so would need wrap around care before and after school. The pay is also appalling; obviously not equivalent to full-time working hours. Can easily be less than £1k p/m take home pay.

Because they are married……they share……..it’s called being in a partnership

Are you the husband ?

This is exactly the problem. So many women’s education, experience and skills are wasted because there aren’t enough roles that allow the flexibility they need.

Earnings are joint.
It should be added together and shared. It should never be I earn this ……you earn that. I earn more so I am more worthy crap!

If childcare is too expensive it should never be up to the lower earner to give up work completely. They will lose out not only professionally but also in terms of pension contributions. Not to mention just getting out of the house and having a life other than family, just like their spouse.

If childcare is too expensive they both need to make sacrifices to make it work,,not just one of them.

Because she did not pay for his degree. Fair is fair. Why can't her parents pay for her? For her further education? Why can't she pay for her further education or for her staying at home or for their new house out of her own savings - she allegedly has a degree and worked after university, if I am not mistaken. If she does not have enough savings for her re-training, or staying at home or buying their new house, it can only mean one thing - she is getting a free ride on his back. How much does one man need to be exploited? I have worked in a high stress job in a company and I have been a stay-at-home-do-everything-yourself mum. There is no comparison. A real job is so much harder. All that nonsense about proper packed lunches, etc. is pathetic, tbh.

So you'd rather not work at all than have to go out to work in a uniform ? Yes, YABVU. I started looking for work a few months before my DC started school, bc I knew I won't be able to get a job as soon as I started looking. OP , you knew your DC would be starting reception this September for the last five-ish years, you should have already made a plan. I would accept the reality of your situation and start looking for work (uniformed or not) , and let your DH know that when you are back at work he'll have to start contributing domestically , including but not limited to , taking time off work when DC's are unwell and for Dr's /hospital appointments etc.

If the wages from the jobs he is suggesting to you are so badly paid you will have to think about teacher training days, a child being poorly, holidays etc. Your pay won't really compensate for these and it may not be worth it in the immediate future. If he's just being a bit spiteful do a useful course from home while the kids are at school and use it when they are older. Or perhaps do some child minding after school along side with that. Doing tea for a few kids from school shouldn't be shameful and can earn you a few quid.

I think you’d win that bet @Delatron.

Even if she got a really well paid job.

I have hideous memories of STBXH basically making out that my career was some pathetic, playing at things, pin money job, not like his Important six figure salary job. I was a senior lecturer at a university (and I have a PhD). But apparently it wasn’t good enough compared to his much more
impressive career. 🙄