Significant wage difference in a relationship

But she says he does pay for holidays for her, just that he won’t pay for THIS long haul trip. We don’t know that he isn’t taking her away three times already this year and a fourth trip is just too much!!!

He'd rather take a long-haul holiday alone and leave you behind than take a more modest holiday that you can both afford, yet you're trying to have a baby together? Sorry, but there's no way I'd actively ttc with such a selfish man.

Tbh, I think he should be willing to help cover your share, if he can afford it, but the holiday is just a symptom of the problems here. I wouldn't have a baby with a man without marrying him first. At the very least, you need to know one another's income, spending habits, and so on. Who will pay for everything, if you do have a baby together?

Seriously, please hold off on ttc until you've had some serious discussions about how finances will work. If you think you're jealous now, just imagine what it could be like with a baby thrown into the mix!

OP, how can you respect such a man?

For god's sake, do not have a child with him. He won't even pay for a holiday for you! What are you thinking??? Wake up and woman up!

100% this! Read and re-read and stop being so naive!

Nailed it

Excellent post. Read this over and over til it sinks in.

OP please, do not have kids with this man.

And how will you be paying for the child?
Have you discussed that at all? What is your maternity pay and are you willing to go back to work full time once your mat pay drops to statutory? Will he be doing 50pc of the childcare including pick up and drop offs to nursery? Days off when the kid is sick and can't go to nursery?

Almost certainly not - he earns more money so it will be easy to argue that it is "logical" for you to take on the vast majority of child responsibilities and either stop working or go part time, stopping any potential for your income to rise.

Meanwhile he continues to boost his income, pays into own pension.

Then you'll think maybe it will be nice for baby to have a sibling so then two sets of childcare costs so no point you working at all.

Six years pass and kids are in school but he has climbed further up the ladder in the time so he can't possibly do drops off and pick ups or cover the school holidays so you'll either not be working or looking for a poorly paid school term only job.

No pension contributions for you in this time. But he will be paying into his own.

So yes, you own a house elsewhere (assuming no horrible surprises like repair costs or shit tenants so have been able to cover your costs there) but a decade has gone by and you've screwed up your old age because you've got no pension while he is sitting pretty on a great retirement income and his high salary.

You split up and you are entitled to nothing beyond some child maintenance until the kids are 18. Nothing to compensate you for all the domestic labour you did or to help you avoid penury in old age.

So yeah, if you can't even talk about sharing holiday costs, you need to get back on contraception and probably out of this relationship if he isn't willing to actually be a fair partner.

You are totally unprepared for a baby and screwing yourself over.

I make a lot more than DP. We had a conversation about it when we moved in together so we could chip in proportionately to bills. That's what you do when there is a disparity. And when we lived in my house, that I owned, he didn't pay rent, that's outrageous. I' d have a mortgage to pay without him anyway and it's my asset. Why are you paying him rent??

I’m not sure I would want a partner to be financially dependent on me after only three years of dating. I think it is a big thing after only a year to expect to be entitled to your partners wages. The fact you are trying for a baby does mean you need transparency, and to be protected if and when your career takes a hit- but right now I think you sound a bit grabby.

So many conversations to have before having a baby- how do we cover costs? What about parental leave? What happens if we split up?

Do not have kids. Don’t under any circumstances continue to make assumptions- he’s simultaneously shown you that he’s sees his money as entirely his, and is earning loads more than you thought. This might be fine in a casual fling, it’s an awful basis for children (and the associated impact on YOUR career, expenses and earning potential).

“I know I would want him with me if it were the other way around.“
It’s very easy to say this when you aren’t the one spending the money. Has he paid for you to have other holidays this year?

It worries me a little that your focus is on missing out on a holiday- rather than the precarious position you and your child could end up in. Does he think you are more focused on the material things like holidays? Could that be what makes him reticent about financial transparency?

Why would you knowingly bring a baby into this situation? This man does not respect you.

Op. Wake up.

EVERY
FUCKING
DAY

You are blindly walking into penury, @Firsttime0727 .

This man doesn't have your back.

Whatever you do, do NOT have children with him.

you say it has upset you, but you still don’t actually know how much he earns?

I think the fact he pays for most of your holidays and treats and he reckons that if he were to cut back he could save 100k in 3 years, probably means he’s spending around 10-15k a year on treats for you.

by all means kick off, but he is currently subsiding a life that you can’t afford. He might become more generous as people unthread suggest- or he might not and you pushing for more might cause him to rethink the relationship.

Why on earth would you try to haveas child with a man when you don't know what his financial circumstances are and you cannot afford the child without his contribution?

I'm sorry but that is unbelievably stupid.

I think it’s odd that you don’t know how much your partner earns and you live together

I always have, and always will, have separate finances in my relationships as that is something that is important to me. (I know that goes against MN norm but I can’t imagine being in a relationship where everything is pooled but guess it’s just the way I was brought up - financial advisor dad who drilled this into my sister and I)

Sometimes I have been the higher earner, sometimes not, but regardless of that there has always been transparency

Stop trying to conceive a child until you are married.

But - more than anything else - educate yourself as to his true financial situation. And sort out with him a better arrangement as to what you should be paying for the privilege (!) of living in his house.

You pay all the bills? And 50% of food?

Omg, please do not have kids with this guy until you have something in place that protects you like marriage does! I’d be very wary of any partner who is not transparent about finances, you need to have the conversation sooner rather than later

You are literally ignorant.
You didn't have a clue to his income and you couldn't even holiday with him because you weren't deemed worth it.