Significant wage difference in a relationship

The day when your boyfriend sacrifices his career, his earning potential and puts himself in the vulnerable position of trying to conceive, birth and raise your child is the day that you can compare your situation with the OP's.

Everything must change when children are involved.

Exactly this.

Why are women still blindly walking into this trap?

Wtf where did you get that from?! Because he won’t pay for her to go on holiday? Warped

Op things like this are so upsetting.

It's really hard because your both starting out, you didn't say how long you've been with him?

I would stop trying for a baby. I would give my reasons 1) your saying 100 grand comment shocked me and it shows how little I know you. 2) if you can save that in a year why couidnt you pay for me to go to the wedding?

The man I want a family with I want to be a team with.
That means pooling everything, time resources, money.
If I pay for things it must be a % of my salary and yours that matches our salary.

Having a child will make me vulnerable for a while and I need someone to support me and the baby.

I won't repost it again but Mojomoons post has it nailed on. I would like to propose to MN that every single time an OP has the question 'my dp won't marry me and I live in his house, should I get pregnant' ,this response is posted immediately.

We've lost some kind of sanity with women thinking marriage is just a bit of paper and a pretty dress. It's a contract that in many cases can protect lower earning women and children against poverty and homelessness.

I earn 3-4 times more than my BF.

Whilst I'm happy to pay over and above for things like date nights, am generous with gifts, have paid for holidays, there comes a point where you simply cannot afford it anymore.

£100k doesn't go a long way when you have a mortgage/outgoings and you're living a decent lifestyle and then have to essentially double all costs to pay for additional person.

OP, I'm going against the grain here by saying it sounds like he's paid over and above for you but there comes a limit where he simply cannot do that anymore and that's absolutely ok.

Jesus Christ.

I read your post and was glad to see everyone else has raised what I was thinking.

I totally get ‘wanting’ to be independent and pay 50/50, i used to, despite my DH earning lots more than me. But the reality is you won’t always be able to when you have kids, because your salary goes down and your costs go up.

As an example, i’m currently in my second mat leave and this is how i’ve been financially screwed over more than my DH:

-2 mat leaves have meant less pay for me
-Student loan hasn’t been going out in that time, so more interest
-No pension has been saved in that time
-It has meant i’ve had less opportunity for other jobs or promotion
-Many work places have a clause that you need to stay in the business for 6 months/a year after you return from mat leave if they gave you an enhanced package, so i’m trapped
-We are exhausted with no local family support, so as the lower earner, i’ve gone part time. So even less money/pension.
-Nursery fees take all my money. I have to use my savings for holidays and home improvements

But I am married, and my DH and I have always known how much eachother earns, and anytime we’ve received bonuses. And we keep open discussions about money. It’s so important.

We don’t have a joint bank account though and I never would.

Please, stop TTC until you at least hsve an open discussion about how your finances will work, and i would urge you to get married to protect your rights. Your house is NOT enough protection. It may give you somewhere to live (if you eventually get the tenants out), but you need more protection for actual money.

OP you're getting a hard time on here but some posters do have a point. You really should know his salary and ideally be married before having a child with him - you're doing things the wrong way round.

I am also surprised that you've been together three years and don't know this information, and that he would make a flippant comment implying that he earns quite a lot, but then refuse to pay for you to come to the wedding.

Although with the £100k comment, he said if he 'didn't spend any money' - what does he mean by that? Because he might be earning £40k a year - when he says not spending any money he might literally mean spending no money 😅So it is actually quite hard to say whether that means he's wealthy.

A hypothetical comment about how much he thinks he could save, does not mean he has actually got that amount of money or is saving anything at all.

But the point is, you should have had this conversation way before even considering children.

For context, by the time I'd been with my now DH for 3 years, I was living with him at his place and he would not have dreamed of asking me for money (he earned more). We both knew what each other earned and saw our relationship absolutely as a partnership. These things are important if you are thinking of building a life together.

Get back on contraception until you have had a full and frank conversation about your future, including financial planning. In your position I would not have a child with him unless married. You are putting yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position.

If you are determined to stay with this guy and then get pregnant, I would treat your situation as if you are a single parent and he is like a sperm donor. Don’t give up working or reduce hours, put the child into nursery or daycare until school age. Go to a financial planner to sort your pension savings on your own. Assume that the relationship will not last and eventually you will move out and back into your house with the ongoing need to pay the mortgage and self funded retirement. Whatever you do, don’t become a SAHM - you don’t have enough protections and you need to plan for the unexpected.

I can only think you have some romanticised idea that having a baby will cement your relationship. It won't. & having a baby with him would just be plain silly. You're not married, you're his housemate and a placeholder. Take off the love goggles, go back to your own house and get a lodger fgs

This is why woman and kids end up in poverty. The biological desire to reproduce blinds many to the failings of the person they are reproducing with. He has different priorities to you op. He's not a keeper.

3 years together, trying for a baby and living together? And you don’t know how much he earns…. Wtf? Just ask him! Agree with others though in not having a kid until you’re married.

@Sooooootired01 no, what feminism is to me is ensuring that as a woman you make informed decisions when it comes to your life choices, and do not wilfully stumble into these sort of situations where you are actively working against your own best interests in the name of "equality".

Pregnancy and childbirth are two of the most vulnerable moments of a woman's life, and I do not understand why so many women continue to dive headfirst into trying for a baby with men who clearly do not have their best interests at heart.

Why act like a 1950s housewife without the protections of said housewife? That's the worst of both worlds.

It is 2024 and women need to wise up and understand that they need to make informed decisions about these things. And banging the "equality" drum in cases when they are actively placing themselves in positions of extreme vulnerability and giving their power over to men who give nothing in return is not a great flex.

How can you trust a man to take care of you and your child (practically, emotionally, financially) when he is not even prepared to take you on a holiday? Why literally risk your life for someone like this? What happens if (heaven forbid) the OP needs additional support after childbirth? Or the baby needs additional support? Do you really think she can rely on a man like this?

I see examples from women on here all the time about how they didn't marry their partner but behaved like a housewife for years, all for their partner to either up and leave or create an intolerable atmosphere leading to separation. The woman who spent years looking after a home that is not hers and a man who would not commit is then basically homeless, in some instances jobless (if she became a SAHM), and has no pension or savings because she entrusted everything to a man who was not even willing to marry her as "it's just a piece of paper". And she's left with nothing after years of sacrifice.

That is the life the OP is walking into, and she needs to wise up.

Feminism means choices. But with those choices also comes the responsibility of ensuring you educate yourself about the potential consequences of your actions. Stop allowing men to get away with giving nothing while you give everything.

What on earth would you do if you did have a child? Where would they live?

Then caviar at his place, beans on toast at yours?

Yeah this is exactly what jumped out at me

As previous posters have said, you are being a bit naive.

In his defence, you say you're paying enough for bills and food- not sure if that's just your half. If so, you are living rent-free so could potentially save this money. In that sense, he is helping you day to day. Definitely nowhere near the worst I've seen on Mumsnet.

However it sounds like you are on a very low income and he is is on a high/highish income. It sounds like he has money and yet is happy for you to work your bum off. I don't think much of anyone who watches their partner doing this when they have the means to help them.

You're not aligned enough as a couple to have kids. I'm not saying 'never', just not right now. Given your low income, maternity leave will be brutal if you don't have a partner who is financially supportive. On top of this, childcare is very expensive. Who will fund this when you need to go back to work?

I think you need to money talk. It's likely he doesn't fully understand your financials just like you don't understand his. You need to sort this before jumping into procreation.

@Firsttime0727 Jesus cgrist can people not just answer the question. Yes hes a tight arse. Whats your is his and whats his is his own.

I earn 3-4 times (depending on bonuses) what DH earns. From moving in together 20 years ago we've always had shared finances.
I'm not sure if it's because of the sexes being reversed in our scenario but we can either afford whatever it may be as a family or not. There's no him or me. Don't get me wrong, we have our independent trips / hobbies but they are always planned and agreed with the wider family expenses agreed first.
I know it may be early days for you, but this mine and yours would be a red flag for me. Especially when thinking about children and loss of earnings etc. I think if you're not team from the get go it doesn't bode well.

And for the record, DH has seen every pay rise & bonus letter over the years, complete transparency. But he is a mortgage advisor so he needs to be on top our finances.

@PamPamPamPam What's feminism to you? Is it finding a man who earns enough to be the sole provider so you have the "right" to become a SAHM?

Literally 🤦🏾‍♀️.

Hmmm.... in all honesty, dating someone that you have to support financially isn't an attractive option to most people. I earn a good salary, and to be completely honest, dating a lower earner and being expected to pay for everything would piss me off.

Some men enjoy playing the 'breadwinner' role, but it doesn't seem like your dp is one of them. Maybe you're just not suited.

I earn significantly LESS than my partner and I paid for his flights for our first holiday!!! I would be upset. I don't think it's wise to have a baby with him before marriage.

You need to have a sit down and talk about finances and what it will look like once you have kids. I'm not against paying rent (there are tons of ways to do this which isn't 50% of his mortgage) and holidays should be discussed. However you shouldn't be working extra to match his lifestyle. You need to find an agreement which makes both of you better off. Wethwr its 50/50 or % or whatever. You need to talk about salaries, savings, budgets and plans

I can see it now. You have a child with him and he still expects you to contribute to the household bills while you are on maternity. You end up struggling to buy basics like sanitary products while he lives a nice life. He grudges you a coffee when you are out and about. I've read this story so often on here.