Page 2 | Significant wage difference in a relationship

Firsttime0727 · 2024-04-06T20:10:50+00:00

Hi all, So I have been with my partner for just over 3 years, we've lived together for a year. I moved into his place and I rent my house out and pay him rent each month. I have a relatively low income and like a lot of people struggle month to month and so I try and work extra hours when I can. I've always known my partner earns considerably more than me although I don't know the exact figure, I've never asked! He does pay for most meals out etc and contributes more to any holidays but I always pay what I can, so he never pays for everything. However, tonight we were having a conversation about a competition on the tv and I said wow I'd love to win 100k! And he said "I could save that in 3 years I reckon if I didn't have any holidays or spend any money" this completely blew my mind! I had no idea he earns quite that much money! And it left me feeling a little resentful. I know I have absolutely no right to expect him to give me anything, we aren't married, we don't have kids (although we are trying), but I work hard and I struggle and he knows this. For instance we discussed a potential long haul holiday at the end of this year for a wedding, and he said he wouldn't be able to pay for me, he couldn't afford it and I said I understood and I probably wouldn't be able to go with him. He was fine with going without me. Now I know how much he earns, this has upset me. Am I being unreasonable?? I know I would want him with me if it were the other way around.

Testina · 07/04/2024 09:58

You’re planning to have a child with him? That’s just stupidity. Come on, you need to wake up. Contraception again until you’ve had an open conversation about finances.

Testina · 07/04/2024 09:57

You’re planning to have a child with him? That’s just stupidity. Come on, you need to wake up. Contraception again until you’ve had an open conversation about finances.

Hotdogity · 07/04/2024 09:49

AgileMentor · 07/04/2024 08:52

He can save 100k in 3 years but can’t afford to pay for you to go on a holiday? My partners the higher earner (hasn’t always been that way) and the only things I pay is food shopping and the sky he covers all other bills. He also pays for all holidays and if he wasn’t currently paying 2 holidays off would give me that money for anything that was needed. We know how much each other earns. I could never be with a man and have children when he thinks of his money as his own and I certainly wouldn’t be paying him ‘Rent’ I think a conversation is needed to be had about your income and what you can realistically pay towards bills each month.

He COULD save 100k in 3 years IF he stopped non-essential spending. So that isn’t 30k a year going spare, it is 30k a year he could find if needed.

He is paying for the OPs holidays-he just can’t afford to on that particular trip. Often these wedding invitations come through relatively late compared to other holidays. It might be he has already committed to all the trips he is comfortable paying for this year.

TotalDramarama24 · 07/04/2024 09:22

hangingonfordearlife1 · 07/04/2024 07:58

well he doesn't earn that much if it takes 3 years to earn 100k after essential outgoings..he's not on over 50k is he? so picking up approx 2-3k a month.

He said he could save that much if he didn't spend much outside essential outgoings.

Saving £100k in three years works out at approx £2.8k a month. Let's say mortgage and essential outgoings are £2k a month (I'm being conservative with this amount as it seems that OP is paying for bills and food). This would mean he earns a minimum of £80-85k a year.

OP won't even be entitled to child benefit because of his salary and I would wager a guess that he's the type of man who still expects her to pay all bills while on maternity pay.

MarieG10 · 07/04/2024 09:02

Firsttime0727 · 06/04/2024 21:20

@Wibblywobblylikejelly I wouldn't say I'm completely ignorant. And I have my own stability having my own house which I chose to keep. I would never want to be completely financially reliant on a man, child or not. I think you missed the point.

I found it difficult to understand how when you are looking at getting pregnant and all that involves, that you are so clueless about joint finances. Have you even discussed what the future looks like once you have a child. How do you pay for childcare etc, especially if it soaks up all your individual salary?

I'm sorry but I'm very much with the no ring no child.

I get the current set up if a simple cohabitation as a couple, but yours is not like that.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/04/2024 08:59

What will happen if you have kids without knowing his finances and are married -

He will say your salary doesn't cover childcare or only just does so not worth working. Or as he earns so much more than you, you will do all nursery pick ups, drop offs, sick days etc and your career will suffer, and you'll give up work anyway.

You won't have full access to finances, he will give you spending money that pays for some stuff for the baby but nothing for you. He will go out with his friends etc for meals and not invite you since you 'can't afford it'.

Eventually you'll be so sick of the financial abuse that you'll leave but you'll have been out of the workforce for a few years so finding a well paid job with flexible working around kids will be a struggle.

OP before you TTC you really need a talk about finances. Why aren't bills being settled in proportion to earnings? You also need to discuss how finances would work when you have a child, ideally after you're married. He can't on the one hand be saying he wants to have / be a family, but on the other hand go separate holidays as he earns more, how would that work with a baby

3luckystars · 07/04/2024 08:54

That went well.

AgileMentor · 07/04/2024 08:52

He can save 100k in 3 years but can’t afford to pay for you to go on a holiday? My partners the higher earner (hasn’t always been that way) and the only things I pay is food shopping and the sky he covers all other bills. He also pays for all holidays and if he wasn’t currently paying 2 holidays off would give me that money for anything that was needed. We know how much each other earns. I could never be with a man and have children when he thinks of his money as his own and I certainly wouldn’t be paying him ‘Rent’ I think a conversation is needed to be had about your income and what you can realistically pay towards bills each month.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 07/04/2024 08:49

Just as well you haven’t had a baby already, because he’d be fucking off on holiday and leaving you both behind.

LordPercyPercy · 07/04/2024 08:45

Wtf, why are you trying to get pregnant?!

turkeymuffin · 07/04/2024 08:45

MojoMoon · 06/04/2024 21:40

And how will you be paying for the child?
Have you discussed that at all? What is your maternity pay and are you willing to go back to work full time once your mat pay drops to statutory? Will he be doing 50pc of the childcare including pick up and drop offs to nursery? Days off when the kid is sick and can't go to nursery?

Almost certainly not - he earns more money so it will be easy to argue that it is "logical" for you to take on the vast majority of child responsibilities and either stop working or go part time, stopping any potential for your income to rise.

Meanwhile he continues to boost his income, pays into own pension.

Then you'll think maybe it will be nice for baby to have a sibling so then two sets of childcare costs so no point you working at all.

Six years pass and kids are in school but he has climbed further up the ladder in the time so he can't possibly do drops off and pick ups or cover the school holidays so you'll either not be working or looking for a poorly paid school term only job.

No pension contributions for you in this time. But he will be paying into his own.

So yes, you own a house elsewhere (assuming no horrible surprises like repair costs or shit tenants so have been able to cover your costs there) but a decade has gone by and you've screwed up your old age because you've got no pension while he is sitting pretty on a great retirement income and his high salary.

You split up and you are entitled to nothing beyond some child maintenance until the kids are 18. Nothing to compensate you for all the domestic labour you did or to help you avoid penury in old age.

So yeah, if you can't even talk about sharing holiday costs, you need to get back on contraception and probably out of this relationship if he isn't willing to actually be a fair partner.

100% this. Every day on here there's a similar tale.

turkeymuffin · 07/04/2024 08:44

Bobbybobbins · 06/04/2024 21:36

So many conversations to have before having a baby- how do we cover costs? What about parental leave? What happens if we split up?

This. He isn't willing to pay for you to attend a holiday (of his choosing for his friend). What happens when you're on mat leave or working PT or the kids need new cricket kits? Ridiculous situation

Bestyearever2024 · 07/04/2024 08:37

We are in 2024

You can easily find out the consequences of earning much less than your partner, NOT being married and then going on to have a baby with him

If you don't get married in your situation you are foolish

If you dont get married and have a baby, you are just mind blowingly stupid

noworklifebalance · 07/04/2024 08:26

Whilst I agree with all of the PPs’ comments about your financial vulnerability esp if you go onto have a baby with your partner, I would also be interested to roughly know how much your partner has been spending on paying for your holidays etc. A long haul flight plus accommodation and spending money would costs £1000s, which he may not have access to.
@Firsttime0727 - you need to know your partner’s full financial situation, including his pensions, savings that are locked etc, rather than speculating and then feeling unloved. You have happily let this go on for 3 years and it is on you to look after your financial future.

lemoncurd1995 · 07/04/2024 08:20

MojoMoon · 06/04/2024 22:04

A brief amount of time of Mumsnet will tell you that your story - or where you will be in ten years time - is the same one told here hundreds of times every year.

You want a baby.

You've got this idea that once the baby comes along, somehow it will be a Magic Baby who fixes your boyfriend and turns him into a responsible, committed partner and he will change and want to marry you and take you in fancy holidays that he pays for.

So you don't feel like you need to actually think logically about your financial situation and talk with your partner about a fair division of costs, living standards and protection for you as the person bearing the child (most easily provided by getting married, no need for a big wedding, just £100 paperwork signing at the town hall).

You are too scared to hear him say "no, I won't marry you, I won't share my finances with you and I won't ensure we fairly split all domestic labour". And you know deep down that is what he would think (whether he will say it openly or not)

So it's easier to dream about Magic Baby.

Lots of people on Mumsnet think they will have a Magic Baby and this will fix their partner and relationship. But babies are not magic - they add stress to a relationship, not take it away.

The baby will not turn him into a committed, good partner.

Don't kid yourself.

👏🏼

lemoncurd1995 · 07/04/2024 08:17

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 06/04/2024 21:13

You're trying for a baby while un married and completely ignorant to the financial?

It's 2024 when this goes south its your fault. Women can't blame naivity or ignorance anymore.

Edited

This all over…

Sorry OP but I’m completely baffled as to why you haven’t had the discussion on salaries/finances and splitting thing proportionately BEFORE you moved in, never mind before you decided to try for a baby! You have been extremely silly. How do you know how much he is going to support you when you are on maternity leave?

My partner and I discussed this when we moved in together after 6 months and have been very transparent from day one.

100k to save in 3 years??? Let’s say he’s can save 50% of his wage a year (which is being very over optimistic), that’s £2780 a month. He must be earning around the 100k mark. All rough estimates. And you are struggling day to day?

Massive red flags here OP and nativity on your side.

GreatGateauxsby · 07/04/2024 08:17

we don't have kids (although we are trying)

For the love of god WHY?

Everything @MojoMoon moon wrote in caps.
You are being beyond naive into foolish. You dont know his salary and you want a baby?
To quote a disney movie "tale as old as tiiiiiiime"

Wake up OP

My then boyfriend and i had a full and frank finances discussion before even moving in together. He is now my DH we have open finances and shared financial goals that are jointly planned. I would not have married him let alone had 2 children with him otherwise....

smellpretty · 07/04/2024 08:12