Significant wage difference in a relationship

When you're a family is he still going to have holidays alone because you can't afford to go?
How are you going to split the cost of having a child? And any reduction of earnings while you're on mat leave? And childcare?

@Firsttime0727 hope you're still reading this and evaluating the relationship l. Please read all the depressing threads on the relationships board. There is a very realistic prospect that your situation could go the same way.

Did you miss the bit about him claiming that he could save £100K in 3 years - he's either Billy Bullshitter or he's earning a healthy enough amount of money to afford to pay for the OP to go on a trip for a wedding. But instead he's "happy to go on his own" without her. In my book that makes him a tightwad who puts himself ahead of the person he meant to be partners with. And an unpleasant one at that. More like he won't pay rather than he can't pay.

FFS op! This isn't the sort of relationship that you should be 'trying' for a baby in. I say this from experience, because my partner is wealthy - true partners are transparent about their finances. If there's a big difference in income then a decent partner wouldn't expect the poorer one to contribute 50/50 to everything. They don't leave their partner at home and go on a wonderful holiday without them. I haven't paid for a holiday since things became serious with my partner because he knows I can't afford to. He wants to go to some brilliant places and he wants to share the experience with me.

I'm not married, but given the legal position I'd definitely want to be married before having children. I know that's controversial, but at least that way the mother has some real protection in the case of a split. (I'm protected, but not by marriage). You say you want to be independent now, but think about how things might be say 10 years down the line when you've continued paying more than your fair share of everything, and your career has been affected by a couple of kids.

He’s said he can’t afford one additional holiday for her!!! That isn’t restricting her holiday FFS. She specifically says he pays for her holidays, this is an additional one because of a wedding where he can afford to pay for one person but not the two of them!!! Just because he earns more doesn’t mean he has unlimited funds.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

we aren't married, we don't have kids (although we are trying)

OP, are you seeing the posts advising you that having a kid with a higher earning man you’re not married to is a really bad idea?

Tell him marriage before kids.

But really he sounds selfish and I would dump him.

Don't have a baby with someone who won't marry you, doesn't see you as his equal, and is prepared to leave you out of a holiday unless you pay for it. You are kidding yourself by referring to him as your 'partner'. He's not.

You are struggling now, and he's not helping you out - in fact, you are mostly struggling financially because he's taking money from you, despite apparently earning a significant amount more. Enough to give him savings of £30k a year if he chose to do so. He's watching you struggle whilst feathering his own nest.

Imagine how much more you'll struggle, trying to keep a child on SMP. Because this prince isn't going to support you, is he?

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/#:~:text=Your%20legal%20rights%20as%20a,than%20if%20you%27re%20married.

She is being financially abused and I stand by this. Her situation will be even more precarious if she gets pregnant. He's already restricting her holiday by not paying for her so I'd bet he'd refuse to pay for the basics for his own kid. This is financial abuse. Get out op, this is no relationship, it's a very convenient arrangement for him.

This is unhelpful.

She is not currently being financially abused. She is on a path which leaves her vulnerable to financial abuse in the future if she does not protect herself now.

But it doesnt work to reverse the sexes because the man never gets pregnant, rarely takes equal mat leave, so therefore doesn't pay less into pension during that time, and when pension contributions are most valuable, and rarely goes part time due to childcare costs. This is an issue that predominantly impacts women. Why pretend it has the same impact on men?

FFS OP don't have kids unless:

You are financially independent and under the worst case can afford to do this alone (saying this as a lone parent)

Or

You are married

You don't know his income, you aren't married and you want to have children with him? Not a chance

She is not being absused. That is daft.
She is paying for her living expenses.
I think she's a fool but let's not get ridiculous.

This exact situation was here the other week but sees reversed

Every poster said he shouldn't be making a profit living with the OP and should absolutky be paying 'rent'

@Firsttime0727

I hope you come back to this thread and read the replies.

This is not a healthy, supportive relationship.

You need to sit down and be open about your finances if you're going to have a child together.

we don't have kids (although we are trying) - before you go down this route get the finances in order. You don't know what he earns, you do not share financial responsibility but you are prepared to share your gene pool🤔

we discussed a potential long haul holiday at the end of this year for a wedding, and he said he wouldn't be able to pay for me, he couldn't afford it and I said I understood and I probably wouldn't be able to go with him. He was fine with going without me. 🚩 I would be asking questions about the relationship at this point

Why are you planning to have children with a person you haven’t even talked open and honestly about finances with?

For most of our marriage post children, my earnings were "pin" money. I bought my clothes and could pay for a day out for the dc without reference, not that dh ever denied any spends (although we are equally tight).

Our relationship began unequally, the house and capital were mine, dh's career was a much slower burner. The arrival of dc and loss of my income caused no issues - because dh was and is a decent man. We supported each other when suppprt was needed and neither have ever had to consult or divvy up our spends.

When I didn't earn, I gave him a list and receipts at the end of every month and he never once demurred.

We have a similar attitude to money and both are inclined to squirrel it away but also to treat ourselves.

The essence of a good attitude to family finance is being on the same page and accepting equal input in the context of both time and money. He facilitated me to stop working when he could, I facilitated his career. We have always been on the same side.

Whatever you do, do not have kids with this man without marriage. Seriously.

My husband earned 20 times what I did. There was never a question about who would pay for a holiday or what percentage I contributed. I paid for my own personal stuff (and I paid the deposit on our house when I sold mine - the equity from his house he gave to his ex wife), but he paid for everything else. (Mortgage, bills, food, holidays etc). And he'd never would have gone on holiday without me!
This guy does not sound at all generous and I couldn't stand that.

You are being financially abused because you're bankrolling his savings by renting your house out & giving him the proceeds. Why aren't you paying into a pension with some of the rental income. Get out of the arrangement pronto and move back into your house and cease ttc immediately. Get back on the contraceptives immediately and Don't be so fucking naive.

No kids or relationship or anything until you're married first. Mention wanting to get married first and his reaction will tell you all you need to know about him. Ditch him and move on, you're with a financially savvy abuser.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/#:~:text=Your%20legal%20rights%20as%20a,than%20if%20you're%20married.

Not read anything beyond the OP so might be putting my foot into something, but oh my good, you’re living with someone, and trying for a baby and you don’t know anything financial about this bloke? Give your head a wobble.

Excellent posts like these make me wish MN had an upvoting function.