Stuck between parents and DH

I have read all your threads, Op but not the others.

Your husband (and his mother) sounds like an inverted snob. And also as if he is jealous of you/ family's casualness so he is making out that you/they are wrong. To me it sounds like both family's are great in their own way. You aren't being a prat telling him his family are wrong because you've accepted that's how they are. It's such a shame because he seems to be making a drama out of nothing and he's going to lose something in the process.

This is all so weird! My husbands family sound more like yours and mine a bit more stuffy and insular, though they would ask to use the loo at someone’s house, needs must! I do occasionally find my husbands lot a bit overwhelming, but that’s definitely a me problem not a them problem. I do my best to fit in and then take some decompression time after it’s over! Your husband’s reaction sounds really odd! It’s like he needs to get out more and realize families are all different, it’s fine and he should try and actually enjoy being in amongst something different for his own personal growth!

Your MIL’s approach is anxiety dressed up as etiquette. It’s a shame your DH can’t see that.

It’s easier for him to regard her as respectful rather than mentally ill, but maintaining that facade is only possible by him outright rejecting relaxed approaches to hospitality, such as that shown by your family.

Basically, he has mummy issues, and it’s getting in the way of your marriage.

This is such bullshit: the situation does not have to “balance” —both families have their good points and their discomfitting side. But I can assure you that childhood relationships with someone with severe, untreated, mental illness like OCD, agoraphobia , generalized anxiety and hoarding (which isn’t present here) is extremely destructive to children and the temporary delight if grannies doilies will not make up for it in the long rum.

To me I’d see that as a huge indication he’s not happy with your relationship and he’s using your mum and dad and break up of your siblings relationships as a reason (when it’s not).

Your husband sounds worse and worse the more you post about him. He’s been brought up and you’ve been dragged up?! What a fucking shit thing to say. Why on earth would you even want to remain with him - he is SO rude about you and your family!!! He sounds like he has a massive chip on his shoulder about rich people and you and your family are punished for this. He sounds like an absolute emotional bully who is wanting to leave you but has no balls so your parents are going to be used as the excuse. Awful man!

So many questions. How does he behave with your own children? Are they allowed to get themselves a drink? What happens when your children's friends come over and need the toilet?

It sounds like hes giving you an ultimatum- if I were you I'd use it and leave. His upbringing is very very strange, not his fault, but absolutely his fault not to now realise this and project his weird behaviour on you and your totally normal family. If you don't leave at least recognise his behaviour for what it is, weird and controlling and don't give your poor family any more odd rules in your home as you will alienate them

How does he react when you and the kids use the toilet at your MIL’s? Is he OK with it or does it cause arguments when you get home?

Where did he meet his friends? I'm struggling to imagine a group of young men congregating in a friends sitting room to have biscuits served to them on plates with doilies and tea poured from a pot. And then sitting there, legs crossed because they can't use the toilet. It's absolutely fascinating.

He’s sounding weirder and weirder. He’d have died at my cousin’s house, we had an Easter party, everyone helped themselves to buffet food, cakes, drinks, after the initial offer of drinks, everyone just helped themselves.

Is he an inverted snob? Mum lives on a council estate and is formal/stifling, so he has been brought up to believe that he needs everything on plates/served? Sounds awful, frankly. He also sounds very controlling. I repeat, is he prepping to leave you using your parents as an excuse?

Ruined by it!

Also-
your parents sound quite careless, and I don’t like that for my my kids that would hurt my feelings.

however all the casual interactions at the ILs sound very normal.

So everyone has completely missed the important bits again.

According to Mn your family are fine, just because they are relaxed or CBA to actually make an effort. They don't bother engaging with your kids, can't be arsed about their birthdays yet they are all cool. Off course they let you do whatever at theirs, because they can't be bothered so they get away looking all relaxed and normal. Op has even admitted that they are selfish people.

The IL's just prefer to wait on you and have that one odd take on the toilet. Yet they engage with the kids and have time for them.

Typical Mumsnet. I would rather your IL than your parents.

I think you just have very different outlooks on life. To him, visiting someone else's house makes him the guest and the owners the host. So he finds your parents rude because they don't treat guests well (expecting them to make their own drinks etc), whereas you and your parents see it as something more casual where there is no need for airs and graces. I'm sure there is more to it than that, but overall it is just different opinions on how people should behave. Your parents don't help by showing no interest in their grandchildren or bothering to buy them birthday presents. That just reinforces his opinion that they are selfish and don't care about other people, whereas his mother actively tries to make people feel welcome by hosting them/waiting on them and interacting with the children.

I think your family sound completely normal. Your husband on the other hand sounds like a right moaner. If he doesn't like your family then he needs to either suck it up for your sake or just not visit. Actually I would leave him at home because you would all have a much nicer time without him. He can stay at home and practice folding his doilles.

His poor mum though. Shes passed on alot of her insecurities to her son and there seems to be a fine line between being a nice host (offering drinks, making cakes) and then being anxious and uptight (no use of the loo, waiting to be offered a drink) around family.

I think instead of dh enabling her behaviour he should be trying to build a bridge. And that’s ok him. He’s not making any concessions for his mum who is mentally unwell. And I question that. I question his rationality.

I think your Dh sounds like a bit of a twat. He wants everyone to sit around formally and be served food. He cannot stand that others don't live like he wants and don't want to live like his ideal.
If this is so awful for him maybe he needs to go home to his Mum and stay there. He sounds like he doesn't like you or your family very much or at all. Your side of the family are half of his children's family, much to his disgust. He sounds unyielding and snobby.

It sounds as if your MIL anxieties have been justified to herself and your DH as manners - the toilet and kitchen thing is insane and definitely sounds like some kind of anxiety/hygienie in plan

that said I do think outside of close family hosting is expected and when friends come round and to get drinks etc. I would expect some hosting at your nieces and some getting it yourself

I think there are quite a few clues in OP's post about what her DH does that leads people to dislike him.

This all sounds odd to me. I could never stand my parents-in-law as they are not my type of people. I am clearly not their type of person either. When my husband was alive though he dealt with them and I had nothing to do with them. Why can’t yous just do that? Why do you need to be involved in each others families?

Your MIL has major OCD and anxiety about control and cleanliness and your DH either inherited something like it or picked them up (has fleas they call them) from having been raised by a mother with a mental health issue.

He needs help: he can not be flexible and can not accept that his mother’s way of life is a dressed up, doilied, horror show and he has been emotionally rippled by it.

Does your husband like you? Because the things he says to you makes it sound like he really doesn’t.

I feel quite sad for your dh. Your MIL clearly has OCD/anxiety and if she doesn't go out much maybe agrophobia, from the sounds of it your dh may also have some of these issues, plus dare I say it may he be neurodiverse. He has the rules because they give him a structure in which to operate , without that he is petrified, he has no framework within which to function. Your parents sound very dismissive of him tbh, I can imagine that he feels very stressed by the chaos of your family and the more stressed he feels, the worse the need to control his environment will become. He is probably right in a way , he should have realised when he first met them and saw how your family operated that this wasn't going to work for him. Its horrible for both of you but maybe separation would be best, in the short term not requiring him to cope with those situations may give both of you a breather.

Wow a lot of control going on here by your DH who is also extremely uncompromising. HIS house , when you read this back do you see anything wrong with this statement and your future and your kids ? Basically if you don’t live the way he sees fit then surely he’d just kick you out? You could live separate lives and only see your family away from his home and always without him, do you always want to do this for the next many years ? What happens when your children get married or any other life event where it’s your children and both families would be at a joint event ? Would his very critical opinion of your family stop if he was never in their company or does he want you to match is opinion and will never be satisfied unless you do. Good Luck I hope you make choices, whichever ones, that make you all happy, he his right that life is too short for this shit x